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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26113948">On My Way Home To You</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/badboybellamy/pseuds/badboybellamy'>badboybellamy</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Misfits (TV 2009)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depression, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Friends to Lovers, Idiots in Love, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Molestation, Nathan Young Being Nathan Young, Nathan Young Being an Asshole, Nathan Young Has Feelings, Nathan Young doesn't really want to be immortal he wants to be invincible, Nimon, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Past Character Death, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Simon just really wants for Nathan to stop calling him a melon fucker already okay, Slow Burn, Temporary Character Death, nathan has ptsd, no future!Simon</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 07:15:19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>48,928</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26113948</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/badboybellamy/pseuds/badboybellamy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Nathan Young has always been an eccentric and invincible character to everyone around him but that's all it is...a character. Sure, he's funny as hell and great at deflecting any kind of real and raw emotion but that's from years of trauma starting from a young age that molded his personality. A personality he uses to keep himself safe and distant from everyone in his life, mostly because those in his life don't tend to stick around for very long. That was until the stupid tattoo gave him emotions he had to face head on. Emotions that may have been there all along. And maybe, just maybe, Simon is starting to catch on to these emotions now too.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Simon Bellamy &amp; Nathan Young, Simon Bellamy/Nathan Young</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>184</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I got hulu and started rewatching Misfits and got mad all over again that we didn't get the end game we deserved. </p><p>Title is from the song Night Bus by Gabrielle Aplin if you don't know it you should check it out. I love her and her music and I think this song in particular screams Nimon</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ever since that fucking tattoo <em>incident </em>Nathan couldn't stop his thoughts from spiraling. Even he wanted to beat himself up at this point he couldn't imagine how the others felt about his odd behavior. Why the hell couldn't he stop thinking about bloody Simon Bellamy? Even now as they painted over giant graffiti dicks and curse words he couldn't stop his eyes and thoughts from wandering over to the other boy. Something about having been in love with Simon changed him and the way he saw Simon. Sure, after the incident he made a few jokes to let everyone think it hadn't bothered him and proceeded to pretend that nothing had happened between them. But it had. Multiple things had.</p><p>Before he couldn't help but resent the other boy a little bit for not saving him from being fucking impaled. But he wasn't really angry at Simon for not saving him, it was the nightmares of being buried alive that made his fucking skin crawl. Sometimes he would wake up gasping for breath and afraid of the dark. Other times he was scared that when he did wake up he would be back in the coffin.</p><p>But now, he couldn't stop thinking about how it felt to be hopelessly in love with him. What it felt like to kiss someone and have it actually mean something. Two things he had never felt before. He had never been able to get close enough to someone or let someone get close enough to him to feel those things. But with the tattoo Nathan didn't have a choice. Those feelings were forced onto him by the tattoo and in turn he forced those feelings on his friend. Now, every time he saw Simon he felt a hole in his chest where those emotions had been. He'd never freely expressed how he genuinely felt about anyone or anything before and the vulnerability of it had him a bit shaken up. He wondered if Simon felt the same way of if it hadn't meant anything to the other boy after all.</p><p>"Why don't you jus' talk to 'em like he's fockin person instead of just bullyin' 'em all the time?" Kelly's voice brought him back to the present where he realized his eyes were trained on the boy that occupied a most of his mind lately. He looked at Kelly and saw the sympathetic look on her face and cringed. She must've overheard some of his thoughts.</p><p>He looked back at Simon and shook his head. "Nah, I think it'd just be too weird. He'd probably think I was still in love with him or something." </p><p>Kelly looked around them. Curtis and Alisha were off to the side far enough that they couldn't hear his and Kelly's conversation. And Simon was painting over the wall opposite them. "Listen', Nathan, as your best mate I think you really ought to talk to Simon. You don't have to tell him how you feel about what happened between you guys but you should talk. Might be good for both of you." She gave him a pointed look as if there was no point in arguing with her because she knew best. She could read both his and Simon's thoughts, after all. </p><p>Nathan let out a loud, dramatic sigh that caught Simon's attention. Everything he did lately seemed to catch Simon's attention. Those sexy shark eyes followed his every movement and Nathan couldn't help but either want to squirm under the scrutiny or give Simon a show to hold his attention and keep his eyes on him. It was exhausting. 'Fine." He grumbled and made his way over to the other boy.</p><p>He lifted his paintbrush and began helping Simon clear the wall he was working on alone. "Alright?" He asked breaking the silence.</p><p>Simon's brow was furrowed and his eyes were narrowed in suspicion. He'd probably thought that Nathan was taking the piss out of him behind his back to Kelly and was here to bully him some more. "Y-yeah. You?" He finally stuttered out.</p><p>"I've never been better, Barry. Tanks fer askin'." He replied, Irish accent thinker than usual because he was nervous and when he was nervous he slipped into an exaggerated version of himself.</p><p>Simon's eyebrow quirked up but he merely nodded in reply and busied himself with painting over the graffiti. Nathan fumbled with the paintbrush in his hands and in an effort to do something, well anything really, he raised his paintbrush as if his arm had a mind of its own and swiped it over Simon's cheek. </p><p>Simon turned around to face him, his eyes wide in surprise before his face hardened in anger. Nathan held his hands up in surrender a laugh escaping his lips. Simon's face softened, just a bit, and he took his paintbrush and swiped the white paint all over Nathan's face. Nathan gasped in mock shock before grinning at Simon and painting over his chest. </p><p>"Nathan what the fock is you doin'?" Kelly yelled and before Nathan knew what was happening he felt hands on his back and was shoved forward. Nathan fell face first on the pavement, scraping his palms and knees in the process. </p><p>"What the fuck is your problem, man?" Nathan asked, turning around and glaring at Curtis from the ground. He held his hands close to his chest as they stung and began to bleed. </p><p>"My problem? Why the fuck were you bullying Simon?" Curtis shot back.</p><p>"You're such a dick sometimes." Alisha said, glaring at him from beside Curtis. </p><p>"Yeah, why'd you haf to be such a wanker sometimes, Nathan?" Kelly said sounding more disappointed than angry.</p><p>Nathan scoffed as loud and dramatically as he could. He ignored all of them and stared directly at Simon who seemed really confused and shocked by what had happened. "Barry, was I bullying you?" He asked.</p><p>"No I-I we were just-" Simon stuttered, patting his hair down nervously. Simon looked at Nathan and then looked back at Curtis. "Why'd you push him?" He asked, confused that Curtis even cared enough to "defend" him.</p><p>"'Cause Nathan was getting paint all over you an' harrasin' you." He said like it was obvious. </p><p>Simon's hands clenched into fist at his side. "No." He said sternly. "No, he wasn't. He was just playing around with me."  </p><p>All three of them looked at Simon and Nathan in disbelief. Nathan didn't just play around with Simon. Usually, he was mean and annoying and invading his personal space.  "What do you mean? He's always bullying you. He's a fuckin' bully. It's what he does." Alisha huffed, crossing her arms over his chest. </p><p>"No he was just-" Simon went to explain but Nathan had shot up off of the pavement and was storming off in the direction opposite of the community center. </p><p>"Nathan!." Kelly called halfheartedly but made no effort to go after him.</p><p>"S-sometimes you guys are the real w-wankers." Simon stuttered angrily, shaking his head in disapproval and chasing after Nathan.</p><p>Nathan was busy lost in his thoughts about how hurtful the others were for always thinking he was some devious mean-spirited bully. He wasn't mean, not all the time anyway. Sometimes, he used humor to deflect from genuine emotion or to cope with the bad things going on in his life or that have happened to him. And bullying Simon? He wasn't bullying Simon he just craved the other boy's attention. And so far being eccentric and saying wildly absurd things is the only way he's gathered anyone's attention. It started when his dad left and he couldn't get his distracted mother to pay attention to him.</p><p>Instead of going to grab Nathan like a normal person would Simon just jogged to catch up with him and began walking in step with him. "Nathan." He said, just to alert the other boy he had company. </p><p>Nathan came to an abrupt stop and turned to glare at Simon. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" Nathan leaned down, his face so close to Simon's he could feel the other's breath on his own face. "Want to be bullied some more, huh, Barry? Want me to call you a melon-fucker or a pedophile? Make them right?" </p><p>"No...I..no they're not right I-" Simon realized he didn't know why  he followed after Nathan  or what he wanted to say. Nathan wasn't the type to need comforting as nothing really seemed to bother him but for some reason Simon was almost positive what the others has said hurt Nathan's feelings. "Do you want to go to McDonald's with me?" He asked, remembering that when they has all sat to eat lunch everyone had something to eat save for Nathan who only smoked a few cigarettes in place of a meal. Simon would be lying if he said he didn't notice how skinny Nathan had gotten or how if he did have food it was crisps from the vending machine. </p><p>Nathan seemed surprised by the question but recovered quickly. "Is this because you want to watch me eat, you pervert? Is that what gets you off?" He asked with a grin and continued their walk only this time in the direction of the fast food restaurant. "Alright, who am I to deny this sweet, sweet virgin his perverted fantasy." </p><p>"I'm not a pervert." Simon grumbled back but followed after Nathan anyway. They walked in silence both thinking way too much to find anything decent to say. Nathan didn't want to say anything because if he opened his mouth he was afraid he'd say something stupid or stupidly offensive and Simon would take away the offer to buy him a burger. He held a hand over his stomach as if he could physically stop it from grumbling in hunger. When they got to McDonald's Simon held the door open for him and he grinned at the shorter boy. "Wow Barry I never knew you could treat a lady so nicely." </p><p>Simon rolled his eyes at Nathan but didn't make a comment. They went to the counter and ordered their food and Simon paid. When they sat down to eat Nathan immediately began digging into his burger and shoveling fries into his face.</p><p>"Slow down, you'll choke." Simon chided, meticulously unwrapping his burger. </p><p>"I never knew you cared so much." Nathan said with his mouth full making Simon cringe. "Besides, I'm invincible anyway." Nathan said, waving him off. </p><p>"You're not. Immortal maybe but not invincible." Simon replied back way too quickly for Nathan's taste as if he's thought about it many times before. He probably had the little pervert. </p><p>"Invincible, invisible, immortal, retarded who cares." Nathan says instead of what he really wants to say. He'd like to know how much Simon has thought about the difference between invincible and immortal. He wants to know how much Simon thinks about him, how often he crosses the other boys mind. He doesn't ask because he doesn't want Simon to know that he's been crossing Nathan's mind an awful lot lately. </p><p>"I do." Simon says again, without giving it much thought. "I c-care." He stutters this time because he realized the weight of what he says. The impact of what it could mean.</p><p>Nathan tried not to think about the implication of it. "Okay, weird-kid, we all know how much you want to shag me ."</p><p>"I d-do not." Simon argues and quickly takes a bite of his burger to keep himself from saying anything else that might make Nathan think he wants to shag him because he definitely doesn't. </p><p>Nathan hums in acknowledgment but decides not to poke fun at Simon any further but only because Simon bought him a meal and defended him in front of the others (which did weird things to Nathan's stomach that he refused to think about any further). They finished their food and Nathan took the trash and the tray and disposed of it as a silent thank you his mouth wouldn't let him say. </p><p>They leave the McDonald's and start walking down the street. They're coming to a fork in the road and if he goes left he goes back to the community center back to his sorry excuse for a home. If he goes right he goes wherever it is Simon's going. Probably to his house. Nathan hesitates for just a moment and turns right. Simon stops in his tracks in confusion and stares at Nathan. He follows after the other boy warily.  They walk down the next couple of blocks until they reach a moderate two story home that looks nearly identical to all the other homes on the street. </p><p>So, they stand there in the street staring up at the house avoiding each others gaze like the plague. Simon is the first to turn and initiate staring at one another. He stares long and hard enough that it makes Nathan want to squirm from the weight. Finally Simon sees something that makes him open his mouth to speak. "D-do you wanna come in? My mums working late."</p><p>Nathan's head whips around to stare at the other boy and he tries to hide his shock. He nods mutely not trusting his mouth to speak. He has a terrible habit of always looking a gift horse in the mouth. He doesn't want to do that now to Simon. He doesn't want to go "home". The community center is big and dark and creepy when he's all alone. He's died there a few times and wakes up in cold sweats from the nightmares. Alone. </p><p>Simon gets his keys out and begins to unlock the door. He walks inside and takes his shoes off and gestures for Nathan to do the same. He does but this time Simon picks up Nathan's beat up shoes and carries them upstairs. Wordlessly Nathan follows him upstairs looking around as he does. The house is neat and normal and so very middle class. It doesn't really look lived in though. Of course his house...the old one where he had lived with his mother and her endless stream of boyfriends, hadn't really looked lived in either. Sure it was a house but it never really felt like home. The community center doesn't either but he can't really be picky especially with the weather getting colder. </p><p>Simon's walls are a nice deep blue and his shelves are very anally organized. His movie collection looks to be in alphabetical order. His books by author. The closet door is open and all his shirts are arranged by color. There's no TV only a desk with a laptop and a book opened faced down to keep his place. He has a full sized bed in the corner of the room with dark blue sheets and a light grey comforter. It's all very Simon. Nathan decides right then and there that he likes it...that its homey. </p><p>"I-I don't know..." Simon trails off patting his hair. He's feeling awkward and Nathan kind of feels bad for him. </p><p>"We could watch a movie." He suggests and Simon nods.</p><p>"I'll get my laptop. You pick." Nathan goes to the bookshelf and looks at all the science fiction movies and documentaries. He picks out the movie <em>Alien</em> and hands it to Simon who looks at the cover and grins. "This is my favorite movie." He says, still smiling as he sits on the bed putting the disk in his computer. He scoots over and Nathan climbs on the bed to sit beside him. He's never seen this movie before but the way Simon is smiling makes him glad he's picked it. </p><p>The movie starts and Nathan can't seem to shut up. "It'd be so cool to be on a space ship, don't you think?" Simon nods but shushes him anyway because it is is favorite movie and he's trying to watch it. "Barry, I think you'd make a pretty cool space ship person." He says sounding so serious that it makes Simon blush. And then the movie gets scary and Simon is glad his sisters staying at her mates house because Nathan screams when the alien explodes from Kane's chest and he covers his face. Simon laughs at Nathan, shaking his head. "Oh c'mon Barry you could've warned a girl!" He says all charm and Irish accent. Nathan puts his hands on Simon's shoulder and hides behind him only peeking over his back to watch the rest of the move. Simon fiercely blushes at this too. The whole rest of the movie is spent with Nathan squeezing Simon's shoulder in fear and anticipation. </p><p>The movie ends and Simon is pleasantly surprised that he enjoyed watching it with Nathan despite the fact that he talked the entire time and he hates people that talk through movies. "So, what do you think?" He asks, turning to face Nathan expectantly. </p><p>"Simon, you didn't tell me it was gonna be scary! It was so scary I could've shit my pants! I hate scary movies. There's no fun in watching things to be scared real life is already scary as it is and now I'm gonna be worries about aliens bloody breaking through people's chest. You know just as well as I do that the storm has caused so many crazy things to happen? Oh my god!" He gasps. "You don't think it caused aliens do ya, Barry?" Nathan looks nervous now and Simon wishes he was listening but Nathan had called him by his real name for the first time ever since the tattoo proving he's known it all along and didn’t just know it because it was tattooed on his body. And Simon doesn't know what to do with that information. He feels butterflies in his stomach and he's not sure why because he's never felt them before. "-do you?" </p><p>"What?" Simon asks, not having heard a word. </p><p>"Do you think Jones the cat is the alien? I mean no, right? He's just a cat, right? He's just a cat, Barry!" Nathan wines. </p><p>"What? No. No that's not...no Jonesy isn't an alien." He explains staring dumbly at Nathan with pink cheeks. </p><p>"Oh thank God." Nathan breathes out a dramatic sigh of relief. "'Cause he is such a fucking cute cat."  He continues, oblivious of Simon's inner turmoil. Simon is way too busy contemplating this side of Nathan he'd never seen before. Nathan is talking honestly about his feelings of the movie and of scary movies in general. Nathan is a lot of things but honest is rarely one of them. </p><p>Simon checks the time on his computer. It's nearly 11 o'clock and his mum would be home soon. "Nathan..." He says not sure how to tell the other boy he should leave now. He doesn't want Nathan to think he's kicking him out. "I'll walk you home." He says instead. </p><p>Nathan gives him a funny look but nods. "Yeah it's getting late anyway." Nathan says but Simon feels him pull away and back into his protective shell. Simon gets up and hands Nathan his shoes. Nathan slips them on always having them ties just the right amount of tightness so he doesn't ever have to undo the laces. He really is that lazy. </p><p>They go downstairs and Simon grabs a jacket from the coat rack and slips his shoes on. The minute they're out the door Nathan fumbles in his pockets for a cigarette and his lighter. Simon makes a face at the smell but says nothing. They talk amicably on the way there. Nathan teasing him and bumping his shoulder playfully. Simon is once again surprised by how pleasant it is to be alone with Nathan. Yes, Nathan has cornered him away from the group a few times but they've never spent hours together just the two of them for company. Simon wonders if Nathan's only being nice because he bought him food and thinks if he continues to be nice to him he can use him to get more. It's a terribly sad and desperate thing to do. Simon thinks that even if that's the case he doesn't really mind. He's always wanted to have a best friend and he's realizing he likes Nathan a lot more than the rest of the group. It's not that he dislikes the others, he doesn't, he just likes Nathan more. </p><p>They reach the community center and both stand outside the door. Simon doesn't make a move to leave and Nathan doesn't reach for the door. Instead, Nathan lights another cigarette. He doesn't have very many left but he doesn't want to be alone either. "It was a really good movie. I liked it." He says, kicking at stray pebbles on the concrete. </p><p>"There's more movies. There's <em>Aliens, Alien 3, </em>and <em>Alien: Resurrection." </em> Simon isn't sure why he tells Nathan this especially since the first one really seemed to freak him out. "We should watch them sometime. I-if you want." He adds. </p><p>"Yeah, Barry, we should." Nathan smiles at him and Simon wants to squirm under his gaze. He doesn't though he keeps his face straight and tries not to show emotion. And for some reason Nathan only smiles at him wider. He grabs a hold of Simon's shoulder and squeezes it, his hand lingering for a moment before he shoves it in his pant pocket and shifts uncomfortably. His cigarette is just a bud now and he flicks it on the ground. "It's cold." He says wearing only his orange jumpsuit. It's cold inside the community center too ever since they started turning the heat off at night to save money but he hasn't told any of the group members this nor does he think about it around Kelly. They don't need to feel pity for him or look down on him for his shitty situation. So what if he's a homeless? It's no ones business anyway. "You should go. It's going to rain soon." He says looking up at the sky. </p><p>"I should." He agrees, he doesn't move for some reason he feels guilty for having to go. He's not sure why but he thinks he's worried for Nathan he shakes it off as an irrational thought. He waves hesitantly at Nathan and turns and walks down the street. </p><p>He disappears and Nathan unlocks the door to the community center and quickly locks it up behind him. He goes to the locker room first to change and then lays in his makeshift bed. He falls asleep and wakes up from a nightmare. He stares at the ceiling and breathes. Instead of feeling alone he decides to text Simon. </p><p>
  <em>barry did u get home safe??? x</em>
</p><p>It takes awhile for Simon to reply but when his phone dings from the notification Nathan smiles like an idiot. </p><p>
  <strong> <em>It's been 5 hours of course I got home safe. -S</em> </strong>
</p><p>Nathan can't help but roll his eyes of course Simon would type like that. </p><p>
  <em>were u asleep? x</em>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>No, were you? -S</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <em>yeah just for a bit x</em>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>Why are you up? Can't go back to sleep? -S</em> </strong>
</p><p>For Nathan texting Simon like this, fresh from a nightmare and groggy from sleep, was much easier and much more honest than talking to him in person. </p><p>
  <em>no bad dreams :/// x</em>
</p><p>
  <em>you? x</em>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>What do you dream about? -S</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>Not sure. I was never able to sleep well. -S</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <em>cant say x</em>
</p><p>
  <em>u should try alcohol n drugs always works 4 me x</em>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>Can't or won't?  -S</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>You need to be careful with what you take, Nathan. You don't want to temporarily stop your power especially considering how often someone tries to kill you. -S</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <em>both mostly wont x</em>
</p><p>
  <em>i know mam god ill b careful jezz x</em>
</p><p>
  <em>u 2 though x</em>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>I'm always careful it's you everyone should be concerned about. -S</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <em>no 1 should be concerned 4 me x</em>
</p><p>
  <em>i always pull thru even the shittiest of the shit x</em>
</p><p>
  <em>thats prolly y my power is immortality x</em>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>It makes sense. There's a reason my power is invisibility. After all,  I have been invisible my whole life. -S</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <em>ur not invisible x</em>
</p><p>
  <em>not anymore x</em>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>Sometimes. -S</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <em>not to me x</em>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>Thanks. -S</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <em>np go get sum sleep x</em>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>You too. -S</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <em>gnite x</em>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>Goodnight Nathan -S</em> </strong>
</p><p>Nathan closed his eyes with the new found comfort he had from texting Simon. Even though it was dark and cold and he was all alone he didn't feel as lonely as before. He didn't feel as scared as before. Maybe it was because Simon had basically confessed to caring about him or maybe because he responded to his texts in the middle of the night, Nathan didn't know, but he didn't feel so alone in this world anymore and somehow it made it easier to drift off into a restful nightmare free sleep. </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. It's Not Enough</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Title of this fic based off the song All I Wanna Say by Lontalius</p><p>Movie and movie quotes are from the movie Jerry Maguire I do not own nor did I write those quotes.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>If you like it please comment I thrive on the validation that my fics are good and people actually want to read them lol</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Nathan hates himself for gravitating towards Simon. He doesn't want to rely on anybody and he doesn't want to get used to having somebody always around but he can't help it. He's starting to crave Simon's company and he doesn't know how to make it stop. During community service he touches Simon as much as he can. The others don't sense anything different they just assume he's bullying Simon as usual. Nathan can't help but wonder what Simon thinks. </p><p>He's cool calm and collected on the surface but on the inside Nathan is having a total gay panic. Maybe not quite a gay panic but something damn near close to it. It's not that he's in love with Simon, that would be fucking crazy, it's just that he sorta likes the guy. It just took falling in love with him (from the tattoo) for Nathan to really start paying attention. There were many sides to Simon that he didn't notice before. Simon was funny and selfless and fiercely protective when he needed to be. He was even willing to kill to protect the group who treated him poorly. So what if Simon was weird and maybe even autistic, Nathan still liked the kid. He had good qualities the others probably didn't even notice except maybe Kelly who noticed just about everything being how secretly smart she is. She was so smart she'd probably figured Simon out well before him. That's probably why she herself was protective over Simon. Kelly was just good like that. She cared fiercely for everyone until they gave her a reason to club them on the back of the head.</p><p>"Aww tanks, man." Kelly says as they pick up litter on the side of the road. Alisha and Simon turn to look at her because no one had even said anything. They'd all been listening to their own music or simply didn't have anything to talk about. After all it was strangely quiet with no incidents of anyone trying to kill them for awhile now. Nathan would be lying if he said he wasn't grateful albeit a little suspicious. </p><p>"Oh fuck off. Get out of my head!" Nathan whined not sure how much she's heard and frankly feeling a little embarrassed. </p><p>Simon is looking at him now, his expression unreadable except for the furrow of his brow. Nathan doesn't know what he's thinking and he really wished he had Kelly's power at the moment. Nathan thinks that perhaps the shorter boy is upset or mad at him but he can't figure out why. He quirks an eyebrow up at Simon but the other boy just shakes his head and looks away. </p><p>He looks back at Kelly to see if she heard any of Simon's thoughts but she just shrugs in response. The bitch probably did hear them but is keeping it to herself to protect the weird-kid. He rolls his eyes at her and his mood sours. </p><p>The group decides to keep moving down the street to collect more trash. Nathan moves to stand beside Simon to bother him until he can be given enough attention to clear his mood. He bumps his shoulder into Simon's playfully. "So, watch any good pronos lately?" He asks for shock value and because he thinks its funny. Simon looks annoyed but not shocked or disgusted like he used to. "Oh c'mon man I know you've been wanking yer cock to something an' knowin' you it's probably some really nasty shit too." </p><p>"Nathan-" Simon starts to say but stops as his attention turns toward a group of guys walking past. Nathan follows his line of vision and spots them too. There's five of them and they're total chavs worse than Kelly. They definitely seemed like no good and were practically begging for him to hit them with a witty insult.</p><p>"Nathan, keep ya mouth shut." Kelly warns and Simon's eyes are back on him, pleading with him not to say anything. Lucky for him, he doesn't have to. </p><p>"Hey, sexy!" One of them cat calls Alisha who was bent over picking up trash. "I'd like to smack that ass. Stay bent over, baby." Everyone looked at Curtis to see what he would do but Nathan beat him to it. He rushed forward and with all his strength he shoved the chav that cat called his friend. The man stumbled back but didn't fall. </p><p>"Hey, man, what the fucks yer problem?" Nathan asks, fucking fuming. He's never been particularly close to Alisha probably because they are so much alike but something the dude said struck a chord with him. He has a distant memory of a priest when he was young but he can't recall the whole thing in the moment. His face is red and he's huffing when he takes a punch in the face. He taste blood immediately but spits it out. He's not sure if he's having a PTSD problem or maybe it's adrenaline or maybe he's just that angry that someone would say disgusting shit like that in front of his friend but he jumps on top of one of the guys and tackles him to the ground. He's not very strong and is over powered quickly. Everything happens so fast that he doesn't even really know what's happening and he doesn't register the pain of being attacked. He opens his eyes to Curtis, Kelly, and Simon fighting the other guys off with Alisha standing there shell shocked. </p><p>"Punch 'em again an' I'll make ya' wish ya' were neva born, ya heard me cunt?'' Kelly curses, spitting at one of the guys. </p><p>Curtis was kicking one of the chav's in the stomach clearly pissed off.</p><p>Simon apparently had been the one to pull the guy off of him because he was currently hovering over the guy who was laid out in front of him  using the guys face as a punching bag, hitting him over and over again. Nathan was reminded that the kid had some serious serial killer tenancies.</p><p>Nathan scrambles up from the ground and without thinking makes his way over to Simon. "He's had enough." He says, feeling sick to his stomach from the blood. Simon doesn't hear him or doesn't care because he continues landing another punch. "He's had enough." He repeats to no avail. "Simon, stop!" He yells. Maybe it's because he uses his real name or from shouting or the tone of his voice but Simon stops and so does everyone else. All of the guys gather each other up and take off running down the street and far away from the delinquents. </p><p>Simon is staring at him but Nathan can't quite hold his gaze. He walks past him fumbling in his pockets for his pack of cigarettes. He hands one to Alisha and lights the other one for himself. His hands are trembling and covered with blood. He'd been holding his side where he realized he's been stabbed. He zips his black jacket up to hide the wound. There's a lot more important things going on and for once Nathan wants to be selfless. "Alright?" He asks Alisha, watching her take a drag from her cigarette. </p><p>She's staring at him dumbfounded but nods anyway. "Yeah...thanks." She mumbles.</p><p>"Are you gonna tell us what the fuck that was about?" Curtis asks, stomping over towards Nathan. Nathan flinches back from him but tries to pass it off as a purposeful step back. </p><p>"I was just defending your girlfriends honor. A little thank you would be nice." He says with a fake air of confidence. His voice sounds like it usually does when he sounds like a cocky prick and he feels relieved. He can feel the pain in his side now and does everything in his power to keep from wincing. </p><p>"No, what you did was impulsively start a fight that could've gotten everyone killed, you dickhead." Curtis shoots back. </p><p>"Lay off of him." Alisha says with a warning tone and whatever Curtis was gonna say next dies in his throat. </p><p>Nathan is starting to feel pretty badly now, his hands are still shaky and sweat is lining his forehead. </p><p>"Guys we've got to call an-" of course Kelly could hear his thoughts and wanted to get him an ambulance. She was a very good friend and he loved her for it but he didn't want to go. </p><p>"Give it a rest, Kel." He says and he's aware how tired he sounds. "Let's just head back. The community centers closing soon anyway." </p><p>Kelly is staring at him intently trying to figure out why the hell he's not letting her call an ambulance or why he doesn't want the others to know he's literally been stabbed. </p><p><em>"I'm immortal, remember." </em>He thinks towards her, reassuring her. "<em>Besides, no one needs to get in trouble here. If you call an ambulance police will get involved and fighting breeches the terms for all of our ASBOs." </em></p><p>She stares at him before nodding, respecting his wishes. "Yeah, lets go back before anyone sees us." This seems to make sense to everyone and they all quickly make there way back to the community center. Nathan starts to lag behind and Kelly helps him by putting an arm around him to help support him. Alisha and Simon notice and Nathan waves them off and pretends to laugh at something Kelly hasn't actually said. </p><p>When they reach the community center Simon scopes it out first and waves them forward. They make it to the locker room and Alisha changes out of her clothes since she has no blood on her. Curtis gets a paper towel and cleans himself off before changing out of his jumpsuit and into his clothes. Nathan just sits down and stares at the floor. He's starting to feel faint but he's keeping it together pretty well. He can hear everyone shuffling about. Simon is cleaning his busted fists off in the sink. And Kelly is wiping the blood splatters off her cheek.</p><p>Alisha walks up to him and places a hand on his clothed shoulder. "Thanks. For what you did...you didn't have to." </p><p>"People can't talk talk to other people like that. It's harassment." She seems surprised by his words because of all his naughty jokes and he knows how ridiculous he sounds. "At least I'm funny those guys are just pricks." </p><p>She smiles at him and nods. "Yeah, you are funny sometimes." He knows shes only saying it to be nice to him because he got beat up defending her honor. </p><p>"C'mon, 'Lisha, I'll walk you home." Curtis says, putting an arm around her waist. </p><p>"Yeah, alright." She agrees and gives Nathan a small wave and following Curtis out. They didn't talk too much about what happened but Nathan feels like she acted the same way he would've and that's probably why they don't get along too well. They're too much alike and it's hard to look in a mirror for people like him. His eyes are starting to feel heavy.</p><p>Kelly's finished cleaning up and getting dressed and walks over to him. "Nathan, ya' don't look s'good." She says. Simon who was busy standing by the sink whips around to face them. Nathan can always feel his eyes on him. "Let's have a look, yeah?" Kelly unzips his jacket and peels it off. There's blood bleeding through the orange jumpsuit around the stab wound. "Fockin' 'ell Nathan!" She gasps and Simon's instantly crossing the room to get a look.She begins peeling the jumpsuit off and pulls his shirt off over his head. </p><p>"Nathan, what the fuck?" Simon curses and Nathan momentarily doesn't feel as dizzy as before. He's never heard Simon curse and if he were in better shape he'd probably think it was really hot which is a concerning thought all on its own. "Why didn't you say anything?" He sounds concerned and he's looking at him like he's devastated. </p><p>"Why does it matter?" Nathan asks and he feels nauseous and like his head is swimming and he's very cold but he's sweating buckets too. He gets up and stumbles over to the toilets. Kelly tries to help him but he pushes her away. He falls to his knees in the stall and starts to vomit. Someones at his back, rubbing circles and he assumes it's Kelly at first but the moves are hesitant like they've never rubbed someones back comfortingly before. It's Simon he realizes and for some reason he feels a little bit better about being stabbed. He finishes throwing up and stares down at the blood in the bowl. "I'm invincible, anyway." He grumbles, wiping his mouth and flushing the toilet. </p><p>He peers up at Simon who's shaking his head. "Immortal not invincible." He says with a sigh like he always does. </p><p>"I know." Nathan says, honestly this time because he's in a lot of pain. "I know I'm not."</p><p>"Then why didn't you say anything?" Simon repeats the question hoping Nathan's answer will change. Kelly is just standing in the doorway of the bathroom, watching but not speaking. They're having a moment she can hear it in their thoughts and she doesn't want to intrude on Nathan's honest hour. </p><p>"Because, Barry, that fight wasn't about me. It was about Alisha. She's the one they harassed I didn't want to...I didn't wanna seem like a jerk always taking the spot light." He sighs deeply this time, exhausted and barely able to keep his head up. He leans back against the wall and closes his eyes. </p><p>"Nathan... she wouldn't have taken it like that. None of us would've. You should've said something." </p><p>Nathan leans forward and weakly slaps Simon's cheek. "Next time." He says. "I'll be sure to tell you next time."</p><p>Simon's body visibly stiffens. He knows there will be a next time. All of them do. If there's anything they can be certain of is that someone else will try and kill Nathan. It's like he's got a big sign on his head. Simon thinks back to their text conversation where Nathan said there's a reason for their powers. His immortality and Simon's invisibility. He thinks about how Nathan told him he wasn't invisible to him. He definitely doesn't want Nathan die. Not now and not ever again but the way he's vomiting blood and the exhaustion lets Simon know Nathan doesn't have that long to go. "Kelly, you can go home. I've got him. I know you've got to feed your dog."</p><p>"You sure?" She asks, hesitant to go. </p><p>"Yeah, I'll stay with him." Simon promises. Kelly nods and thanks him. She gives them a lingering look before walking out of the locker room. Simon collects Nathan in his arms and carries him bridal style out the locker room and to his mattress. It's not much but it's got to be better than dying on the bathroom floor. </p><p>Simon's never died before or been stabbed but thinks it must be miserable. The way Nathan's face is scrunched up in pain makes him feel really bad that there's nothing he can do. He wants to apply pressure to the wound but Nathan's dying anyway and he thinks it'll go by faster if he lets him bleed out. He looks back up at his face, the sweat on his brow, the dark circles under his eyes, and the clenching of his jaw. Nathan's eyes are staring up at him, clinging to Simon's face in his last moments of consciousness. He opens his mouth to speak but instead of words blood dribbles out his mouth. Simon isn't the one who's been stabbed but he feels like he's taken a hit in the gut from having to watch Nathan die again.</p><p>He lifts his hands shakily and begins to comfortingly run his hand through Nathan's curls. "It'll be alright." He says, stroking his hair back. "It's gonna be okay, Nathan." He doesn't know if he's helping but he desperately wants to. "I'm right here. It's okay, Nathan, I'm not going anywhere." He soothes. Nathan smiles up at him, it looks demented from the blood at the side of his mouth but Simon smile's back and tries to ignore the tears pricking at his eyes. "I'll wait for you...you're not alone, okay?" Simon know it isn't the real deal. That yes he's really dying but no it's not forever. But it hurts him and he knows it hurts Nathan too. </p><p>Nathan's eyes flutter close and his body sags as his breath leaves his body. Simon doesn't move from his spot and he doesn't stop stroking Nathan's curls either. He feels frozen to the spot like his body isn't his own to move. He sits there for awhile before it starts to get dark. He phones his mum to tell her he's staying at a mates for the night. She's busy and disinterested so she doesn't bother asking who. She says good night and that she has to go back to work and hangs up. </p><hr/><p>It's a few more hours before Nathan's alive again. He gasps in shock, his body lifting up as the breath fills his body once again. Simon jumps back in surprise before scrambling back over to Nathan on the mattress. Nathan's sucking in breath as much as he can, his eyes wildly looking around. Simon's also never died and come back to life but he can imagine it's a very scary and disorientating thing to go through. </p><p>He grabs Nathan's face in his hands to gather his attention. "You're alright, Nathan. It's me it's Simon." Nathan's wild eyes are filled with recognition and his breathing is only a slight pant now. Simon call feel it on his cheeks.</p><p>"Barry!" He exhales, falling forward and landing against Simon's body, his head falling against the other boy's shoulder. "Fuck." He says next. "Fuck that fucking sucks."</p><p>Simon's hands come up and hover in the air for a moment before going to wrap around his waist. They hug, awkwardly, because most things with Simon are awkward but Nathan hums in response anyway so maybe he isn't that shite of a huger. </p><p>"I'm cold." Nathans says in a sorry attempt of concealing the real reason he's hugging Simon. </p><p>"Yeah, Nath, it's freezing in here." Simon says because it actually is and sometimes he can only take things literally. </p><p>Nathan scoots back and lifted his head off of Simon's body. "Hey, man, tanks fer stickin' around but you can head home now." He says, his voice back to it's usual chipper sound. </p><p>Simon is staring at him trying to decipher what Nathan really wants him to do. It doesn't matter anyway, Simon had already made the decision when Nathan was still dead. "It's alright I already called my mum and told her I was staying at a mate's for the night." </p><p>"Awww did you tell your mum I'm yer best mate? That we're havin' a little girl's night? Paintin' each others nails and braidin' each others hair?" Nathan asks him sarcastically. "Oh I know this is the perfect time to bust out my DVD copy of Jerry Maguire!" He exclaims making Simon laugh. "Oh, c'mon Barry just because it's not sci-fi doesn't mean it's not good."</p><p>"Jerry Maguire? Are you serious?" Simon asks, still smiling. </p><p>"Shut up. It's dead romantic, okay?" He crosses his arms over his chest and pouts like a child.</p><p>Simon's smile grows wider. "Is it your favorite movie or something?"</p><p>"Yeah, or somethin'." He answers back, still pouting.</p><p>"Let's watch it." Simon says making Nathan's head snap up to look straight at him. </p><p> "Yer not gonna like it." He says shaking his head, feeling a little embarrassed. </p><p>"Whatever. If it's your favorite I want to see it. After all, you've seen my favorite film." Simon reasons and it seems like a good enough reason to Nathan so he gets up to wheel in the big TV he uses from one of the offices. He plugs it in and turns it on. Then he goes over to his pile of belongings and finds the DVD. He puts it in and as it loads he goes to his stash of alcohol and pulls out a bottle of cheap vodka. "I don't actually have cups." Nathan says mostly to himself as he looks around. "Oh, perfect!" He picks up to empty beer bottles and starts pouring the vodka inside. He doesn't have to look at Simon's face to know he's got the eyebrow crease going. "Here." He hands Simon the bottle and settles down next to him on the mattress. Simon takes a sip and makes a face. He doesn't particularly like vodka and the cheap kinds taste like straight up hand sanitizer but he drinks it anyway. Nathan uses the remote to go to options and turns the subtitles on as if he's done it 100 times before. Simon thinks it's odd considering he knows Nathan doesn't have hearing problems and doesn't particularly like to read. </p><p>"You like to watch with subtitles on?" He asks just out of curiosity. </p><p>Nathan takes a swig of his vodka and nods. "Yeah, man, I used to watch movies all the time but if it got too loud or if I got too loud my mum's boyfriend Greg would throw a fuckin' tantrum like a toddler. He'd take my TV away and everything. I would sneak into the living room and watch movies on mute with the subtitles on. Just got used to it I guess." He finishes and takes another swig of the vodka.</p><p>"Nathan that's horrible." Simon says while he presses play. </p><p>"Whatever, Barry, that's like the best part of my childhood so you don't have to go and put yer panties in a twist about it."  He holds his bottle out to Simon who confusedly clanks their bottles together. </p><p>Their tipsy halfway through the movie and maybe that's why Simon's enjoying it so much. He's laughing at the funny bits too freely and too loudly for it to be simple enjoyment. He can understand why Nathan likes it too much too. Tom Cruise's character loses everything after trying to do the right thing and has to build his life and career back up again after he gets fired from his job.  Jerry Maguire goes through ups and downs and you can't help but root for his success. Simon wonders if Nathan likes it so much because he, like all the three main characters in the movie, feels down on his luck. </p><p>"Shhhhhh this is my favorite part." Nathan says even though none of them are talking. Jerry Maguire is running in an airport to catch a plane to his house where his wife Dorothy is waiting for him. Jerry walks into the house and theres a bunch of women talking over each other. "Hello? Hello. I'm looking for <em>my </em>wife." Nathan says the same time Jerry does on screen. Simon turns his head to look at Nathan instead of the movie, absolutely mesmerized by him. "Wait. Okay...okay...okay." Nathan whispers as Jerry's wife looks like she's going to run away from the confrontation. "If this is where it has to happen, then this is where it has to happen. I'm not letting you get rid of me. How about that? This used to be my specialty. You know, I was good in a living room. They'd send me in there, and I'd do it alone. And now I just...But tonight, our little project, our company had a very big night -- a very, very big night. But it wasn't complete, wasn't nearly close to being in the same vicinity as complete, because I couldn't share it with you.  I couldn't hear your voice or laugh about it with you.  I miss my- I miss my wife. We live in a cynical world, a cynical world, and we work in a business of tough competitors. I love you. You - complete me. And I just had -" Nathan says his eyes moving from the screen to look directly into Simon's eyes. </p><p>"Shut up. Shut up." Dorothy says, alone this time. "You had me at hello. You had me at hello." Nathan says with her, the air in the room shifting and becoming unbearably thick. He think somethings meant to happen now, between them, but he doesn't know what or why. He reminds himself that he's drunk and that's probably why he's leaning into Nathan's personal space. Nathan isn't moving but he's not staring at Simon in a judgmental or disgusted way either. If anything, his expression is open and curious. He feels inviting and not like the Nathan everyone else sees. His eyes are giving Simon permission to move in closer and do what he wants to do....but Simon feels lost. He doesn't know what he wants to do or what he's supposed to do. It doesn't matter now because the movies ended and the moments gone. </p><p>So, Simon smiles wide and nods his head even though Nathan hasn't asked him anything. "I liked it and I can see why you like it so much. It's a good movie." Simon says thoughtfully. </p><p>"No shit? You really liked it, Barry? Yer not just sayin' that now, are ya'?" He asks, his voice high pitched and excited. </p><p>"Yeah, no shit, I really liked it. Cross my heart." Simon promises and it makes Nathan smile and let out a very embarrassing squeal. </p><p>"Oh Barry! Keep swearing like that and I might let ya really get a good sniff at me panties ya pervert!" Nathan exclaims.</p><p>Simon's blushing like an idiot and tries to make his brain think its just because of the alcohol. But more than that he wants to figure out when exactly Nathan calling him a pantie, sniffing, melon-fucking, paedophile, pervert stopped hurting his feelings and became more of a good-nature joke more than anything. "Shut up, I'm not a pantie sniffing pervert. You bring it up so much I'm starting to suspect you of pantie sniffing." He jokes back.  </p><p>Nathan looks surprised but pleased by this response and Simon feels relief that he didn't actually offend him. "Oh you'd like that wouldn't you!" Nathan says pointing an accusatory finger in his face playfully. </p><p>"Perhaps, but you'd like it more you sick, sick, pervert." They started to stare each other down. Simon was keeping a straight face while Nathan made exaggerated movements with his eyebrows keeping his lips pursed tightly. Finally they both busted out into laughter. </p><p>"Fuck, I can't even look at you, Barry." Nathan says, covering his mouth with his hands as he laughed. </p><hr/><p>They continued to goof around for a bit until it was late enough that they both decided to settle down for sleep. Its awkward at first because its a small mattress and Simon's never slept on the same bad as someone else before let alone someone his same gender. Especially someone who's only sleeping in his briefs.</p><p>He's thought a lot about what it would be like to lay beside a woman. She would have soft curves and she would fit nicely against him. Nathan is skinny and bony and taller than him. His skin is cold against his body and he smells like vodka and cigarettes. It's not at all like he imagined his first cuddle to be but it's still nice. Nathan's laying on his front with his arm haphazardly thrown across Simon's stomach. His head is nestled between the pillow and the crook of Simon's neck. He can feel the other boy's hot breath on his skin and it's giving him goosebumps, he's got to fight the urge to shiver. </p><p>Cuddling another man apparently wasn't a big deal to Nathan who started softly snoring beside him almost instantly. Simon did the best he could to settle his thoughts in his mind so he could sleep but the mattress was lumpy and hard from being directly on the floor. The community center was freezing cold and Nathan only had a single thin blanket for them to share. He also only had one pillow. Simon tried to put himself in Nathan's shoes. To live in these type of conditions with hardly anything to eat or drink that wasn't stolen booze or candy bars and crisps. He thinks he couldn't do it and be as funny and carefree as Nathan is. </p><p>He leans in closer to Nathan and lets his warmth spread over the other boy. Nathan nuzzles against him in his sleep and before Simon knows it he's comfortable enough to fall asleep. </p><hr/><p>He wakes up to soft whimpering and Nathan tossing and turning in his sleep. He's mumbling nonsense and sweating. It takes Simon a minute to process that the other boy is having a nightmare. He gets on his knees and he's leaning over Nathan taken him by his shoulders and gently shaking him. "Nathan. Nathan, wake up. It's just a dream, wake up." He shakes him a bit harder. "Nathan, wake up!"</p><p>Nathan jolts up gasping for breath, his forehead knocks into Simon's and his breathing quickens. Nathan's reaching his arms out wildly as if he's trying to beat against something. "Let me out. Let me out! I can't breathe!" </p><p>"Nathan, Nathan, it's fine. You can breathe." His hands reach out and grab a hold of Nathan's shoulder's. "Hello, can you hear me? It's Simon. You're okay. It was just a bad dream, it's just a bad dream." He soothes, watching the recognition slowly seep into Nathan's expression.</p><p>Nathan's breath starts to even out and he nods his head. "Yeah, you had me at hello." He smiles at Simon but it doesn't reach his eyes and it falters. Simon feels bad so he collects Nathan in his arms and hugs Nathan tightly and runs his hand over Nathan's hair because that's what Jerry Maguire did in the movie and it seemed to have an effect on Nathan then. </p><p>They hug for awhile until Nathan pulls away. "Sorry, Barry, didn't mean to go full girl on ya." </p><p>"No, it's okay. Everyone has bad dreams. What was it about?" Simon doubts he'll answer but he wants Nathan to know that someone cares in case he does decide to talk about it. </p><p>Nathan shrugs and Simon can see him pulling away back into himself and spitting out the overly confident sarcastic character he's created. "It's just the whole being buried dead and then becoming alive again only to spend hours trying to escape just to suffocate and die again no biggie." He says sarcastically as if it's no big deal. </p><p>"Nathan....I'm s-sorry we didn't k-know or we-" </p><p>"It's fine. I know." He dismisses. "Besides, it wasn't yer fault." He adds because he knows Simon blamed himself for not holding onto his hand tight enough or not pulling him back fast enough or perhaps he thinks somehow he let him fall. </p><p>"But I should've-"</p><p>"Oh can it, Barry. It's already happened there's nothin' either of us could've done to change it. Let's just ferget about it." Nathan says shaking his head. </p><p>"But you haven't." Simon argues. "You're still having dreams about it. You're not over it." </p><p>"Oh, fuck off. It happened to me so of course I'm not over it. There were a few seconds of blinding pain from being fuckin' impaled on a fence post. You have no idea what it's like to be buried alive for days while everyone forgets about you. It was dark and scary and fuckin' shitty okay. It sucked. What do you want me to say? Mate, I think you've seem to forgotten that yeah we've all been through a lot this year but this years killed me over and over and fuckin over again." Nathan's getting worked up and he doesn't mean to be he doesn't want to go off on Simon and he definitely doesn't want to divulge in his innermost thoughts. He doesn't want Simon or the rest of the gang's pity he just wants someone to see that he's getting fucked over too...that he's hurting too. That hey maybe he's not always an asshole just to be an asshole.</p><p>Simon looks at him and sighs deeply. He stares a moment longer before deciding what to say. "Look, Nathan, I know that. Okay? I know it happened to you because I watched it happen and I hate myself for letting you die like that. I hate myself even more for thinking everything was okay just because you were alive again. Okay? I know now. I'm here now and I'm listening now. You have every right to be mad at me. I'm mad at me. I just...I want you to know that I know that you aren't okay. I can see it....I see you." It sounds sappy and stupid but it's true. Simon thinks that out of their little group of friends he may be the most invisible but Nathan is the most misunderstood. Nathan broadcast a personality that isn't entirely him Nathan is vulnerable and traumatized and resilient. From what Simon has gathered about Nathan (which is quite a bit since he's always paying attention to him the closest) he's been through much more than the rest of them have. Maybe that's why he's the most screwed up.</p><p>He reminds Simon of a petulant child that's constantly had his favorite toys taken from him so he's always acting out. From what Nathan had shared with him earlier it's not so far from the truth. It's only one of the truths that's warped Nathan's perception of the world and who he's supposed to be. Simon was relentlessly bullied as a child for his odd behavior and it turned him into someone invisible...someone who can't breath unless he's a fly on the wall going unnoticed in large crowds. Maybe this is why Nathan's so absurd and attention craving. It wasn't school kids bullying him it was his parents and the men who took on the role of step-parent. His developmental ages were spent on edge and afraid enough that he would accuse his mother's boyfriend of molestation. He must've yearned to be as important in his mother's eyes as her boyfriends had become. Perhaps, knowing this had made him more comfortable with Nathan's teases, made it so they more mildly annoyed him than angered him. Sometimes, the wildly gross and stupid things he said amused Simon. Sometimes, they made him like Nathan more. </p><p>"Whatever." Nathan grumbled in response, his arms crossing over his chest. "I'm not even mad at you anymore." He tacks on fumbling for his phone under his mattress. "The other's will be here in a few hours." He says after checking the time. "I'll go shower this blood off....do whatever you want." He says, quickly grabbing some clothes and fleeing the room. His cheeks had been red and he was definitely embarrassed....it was kinda cute, Simon thought. </p><p>He got up and made his way outside of the community center. He popped a piece of gum into his mouth and sat on the bench outside waiting for the others. He'd let Nathan wallow in his embarrassment in the shower while he sat outside thinking about how Nathan didn't blame him for his death...the first one...it made his insides feel warm and light. The guilt that had been anchored to his stomach felt as though it had started to lift. The sun was rising and it was a bit chilly but not unbearably so. It seems like it's gonna be a good day...before getting to know Nathan or the others he didn't think any day would be a good day. Maybe, having people in your life that you care about and that care about you really do make all the differences. It's surprising but it shouldn't be, he'd felt happier with the others in his life...and even happier (albeit more confused) since hanging around with Nathan.</p><p>He has a smile on his face when the other's show up and ask why he's so early. He just shrugs his shoulders and smiles. Kelly gives him a knowing look and he likes having friends that know things about him without having to say them. He likes his friends, he likes community service, he likes Nathan.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Not On My Watch, Bitch!</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Some people aren't who they seem they are and some people won't let barbie bitches steal their boyfriends so hey it evens out. </p><p>Nathan and Alisha play detective when they sense somethings not right with a girl that has an interest in Simon. Again.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Simon got to the community center Nathan was sitting outside on the bench waiting for everyone else to show up. "Barry, yer not gonna believe this." He said flicking his cigarette to the ground and standing up. Simon stepped on the cigarette bud to put it completely out. </p><p>"Believe what?" Simon asked following Nathan into the building. He looked behind him but didn't see any of the others approaching. Was Nathan waiting for him? No...right?</p><p>When they entered the community center there were people bustling about putting chairs at tables and setting up decorations. There's a sign on the wall that says <em>There's No Hope in Dope. </em>There's another one that says <em>You Don't Need Heroin To Be A Hero </em>and a banner that says <em>Drug Users Have No Future. </em>Simon hears Nathan scoff beside him and turns to look at his facial expression. Nathan was clearly not impressed by the whole display. Probably because he's a drug user himself. Maybe it hurt his feelings to read those things. "C'mon." He says, putting a hand on the base of Nathan's back, leading him over to the locker rooms.</p><p>"In me own home?" Nathan asks dramatically. "In <em>me </em>own home!" He repeats louder this time, yelling at the people setting up the room. Simon has to resist the urge to roll his eyes at the other boy. "So, what, now it's bad to do drugs too? First they hold a ceremony for that crazy bitch that wanted everyone to be uptight wankers that don't have sex or drink and now this? What Narcotics Anonymous? You've got to be shittin' me! I mean, Barry, I can't catch a break." </p><p>It wasn't that long ago they had to deal with the group called Virtue...well Nathan did. It was like his personal mission to take them down and make it so the other teens wanted to do drugs, drink, and have sex again. After all, those were Nathan's favorite things to do. It was probably more than that, though, Simon thinks. Nathan had probably actually wanted to help their friends get their personalities and their free will back. Nathan did want to do good things for good reasons. Simon understood that now. He regrets not helping Nathan when the other boy asked him to save him when they'd been cornered together. Momentarily, Simon feels like he's standing on the edge of the roof top if he closes his eyes he can see Nathan's body hanging limply over the fence post. </p><p>"Mornin'." Kelly calls coming into the locker room. Curtis and Alisha are close behind. He snaps out of it and turns and sees Nathan stepping into his jumpsuit. He catches Simon staring and wiggles his ass for show, winking at Simon. </p><p>"You guys see that bullshit?" Curtis asks taking his jacket off and shaking his head in disbelief. </p><p>"Yeah, looks like someone's finally gotten an intervention together for Nathan." Alisha jokes opening up her locker to get changed. </p><p>"Oh, can it, it's not like you haven't done a bump or two yerself!" Nathan shoot's back causing Alisha to laugh and put her hands up in mock surrender.</p><p>"Touchy much." Alisha snarked.</p><p>"Christ, you sound like Beverly." Nathan said causing everyone to look at him in confusion. None of them knew a Beverly. Simon thought long and hard and in all of his memories he couldn't remember Nathan ever mentioning someone called Beverly. "Y'know the pic'n'mix guy. The one I stapled?" Nathan elaborated as if it would narrow it down. "Oh, whatever, this just goes to show that none of you wankers ever listen to me." Nathan said in mock hurt.</p><p>"Or it just shows you've never got anythin' important to say." Curtis quipped. </p><p>"W'ateva' lets just hurry up, yeah?" Kelly said, pulling her jumpsuit up. They all finished changing and began to head out back into the chaos. Shaun was outside waiting for them leaning against a wall with his arms crossed. </p><p>"Listen up. Today the community center is hosting a sobriety party for Narcotics Anonymous. Help them in anyway they ask. Don't give any of them drugs-" he pauses to look pointedly at Nathan who scoffs again in response but doesn't argue-"and most importantly don't fuck it up." He gives them all a look this time before walking away. He doesn't give a shit and they all know it. As long as they don't screw up too badly he won't get on their case. Simon warily looks at Nathan, if anyone was gonna be screwing around or making a scene it would be him. </p><p>Nathan catches him staring and winks at him. Simon turns his head away feeling a bit guilty for always assuming Nathan was the screw up of the group. </p><p>A petite girl with waist length blonde and big blue eyes came up to the group. "Hello!" Her voice is chipper and sing-songy. "Hi, everyone I'm Jillian one of the head organizers for this weeks event. It's going to be a pleasure working with you guys and I just want to start off by saying how much we all appreciate your help especially for a cause so important and dear to our hearts." She says, holding a hand over her heart. </p><p>"Yeah, man, we're super psyched to help out. I mean, and I think I speak for all of us when I say this, drugs are also near and dear to our hearts." Nathan says, a wide grin on his face.  </p><p>Simon wants to hit him upside the head but Kelly beats him to it. How could he be so rude to such a nice and beautiful girl? Simon didn't understand why Nathan had to be such a dick to everybody he meets. The girl, Jillian, looks confused for a second before smiling and nodding at him anyway. "I'm glad you're here." She says to Nathan with a sweet smile. "Seems like you could use the support. Don't forget the first step is admitting you have a problem and are powerless to your addiction." </p><p>"Ignore him, he's a wanker. I'm Kelly." She says and Jillian holds her hand out for the other girl to take. </p><p>"Kelly, wow, I love your makeup! It's an absolute pleasure to meet you." </p><p>"Thanks." Kelly says awkwardly, not used to getting compliments.</p><p>"Hi, I'm Alisha." Alisha isn't as nice as Kelly when she introduces herself and doesn't take the girl's hand for obvious reasons. She smiles but it's tight lipped and catty like in the movies about high school girls his sister watches. Simon's confused by her behavior but writes it off as Alisha being Alisha...she isn't super nice to anybody.</p><p>"I'm Curtis." The athlete says, shaking her hand and smiling charmingly down at her. </p><p>"It's nice to meet you." Jillian says and turns to look at Simon. She tucks a strand of long blonde hair behind her ear as she stares at him in a way he can't remember being stared at before. "And who are you?"</p><p>"That's Barry and I'm Nathan 'tanks fer askin'." Nathan interjects and for some reason it makes Simon mad. Who the hell did he think he was to introduce Simon and by the wrong name at that?</p><p>"It's Simon." He says, a hard edge to his voice that makes Nathan expression change from confident to wounded. He doesn't feel bad because it makes the girl smile and girls don't usually smile at him. "My name is Simon." He holds a hand out for the girl and she takes it gratefully. </p><p>"Well, Simon, it's very, very nice to meet you." Her hand lingers in Simon's before dropping by her side. "Well, I'd better get back to work. You guys can help by setting up posters or putting the decorations up. We still need a few tables and chairs put out and we have some fliers that need to be handed out. No pressure on which job you do just pick whatever you're comfortable with I'm just happy for the help." She gives them a small wave before bouncing off to get back to work. </p><p>"I'm just happy for the help." Nathan repeats in a high pitched mocking voice. "Christ give me a break. What a fuckin' teeny-bopper!" He calls out, loud enough for her to hear. Alisha laughs and Simon finds himself mad at both of them. </p><p>"You're just pissed because she's nice and she called you out on your drug addiction." Simon says, ice in his voice. </p><p>"Yeah, mate, she's got you pegged as a tweaker the minute she saw you. Don't forget-" Curtis says pointing at the poster that said <em>Drug Users Are Losers</em>-"you do fit the type." </p><p>"Hey, man, I am not a loser okay. Losers don't do drugs and can't sleep with gerls. If anyone's loser here my moneys on-" he sticks his thumb out and points at Simon.</p><p>"Fuck off and leave 'em alone." Kelly says, hitting him upside the back of the head. "Ya just mad 'cause ya' a junkie loser." She teases with no bite like the rest of them. Simon sometimes wonders why she's so nice to him. He's starting to wonder why he's become nice to him. All Nathan does is make fun of other people who don't deserve it like him and now this girl Jillian. </p><p>"Whatever, somethings not right with that gerl I'm tellin' ya." Nathan grumbles and Alisha nods in agreement.</p><p>"Nobody is that nice....especially not a recovering drug addict." Nathan points at Alisha as she says this.</p><p>"See? Alisha sees it too. I mean this is practically our expertise, innit? We know a lot more about strung out freaks than you lot. The only reason she's got me pegged is because I had her pegged ferst!" He argues all Irish accent and confidence. </p><p>Simon rolls his eyes at him. "You don't know what you're talking about."</p><p>"All you do is talk nonsense." Curtis says. "I can't even believe you'd agree with <em>him</em>." Curtis remarks. "I mean I get ya don't like her for like a girl power thing but to agree with Nathan? 'Lisha c'mon." </p><p>She makes a face at him and shakes her head. "Whatever. Somethins' not right with her. Just wait and see." She says before sashaying away to go help set up decorations. </p><p>"Great. Now she's mad at me because you're paranoid a pretty girls gonna steal your boyfriend." Curtis snarks, shoving past him and chasing after Alisha. </p><p>"Boyfriend?" Simon asks looking between Kelly and Nathan in confusion. Since when did Nathan have a boyfriend?</p><p>Kelly gives Simon a sympathetic look he understands even less before walking away. </p><p>"Don't listen to them, Barry. I've got yer back. I'll help ya get laid to any gerl you want...just not her." He says his gaze pointed at Jillian's. "Now, c'mon, lets go help sober squad with their boring little party." </p>
<hr/><p>The party is that night and all of the group is invited to attend. Simon's the one who convinces them to go because Jillian personally invited him after chatting him up all day. Nathan's there because well he does live in the community center after all. Alisha agrees to come because her and Nathan have a secret plan to catch Jillian in the act....whatever the act is. </p><p>Simon shows up in a button up blue shirt that looks good with his eyes and black slacks. Nathan goes to put his arm around Simon's shoulder but the other boy pushes him away. "Where've you been all day?" Nathan asks him, pretending his feelings aren't hurt. </p><p>"With Jillian. She invited me to have dinner with her before the party." Simon says and he's got a smug look on his face that Nathan wants to wipe off immediately. Ever since they met that Jillian girl he felt as though something was off with her. He'd been in enough fucked up situations with dangerous drug addicts and sketchy parties with even sketchier people to know when someone's not who they say they are. He knows Alisha has too which further proves his theory....the theory that he's working on....the theory that somethings not right with that girl. </p><p>Nathan reaches out and grabs a hold of Simon's arm, turning him around to directly face him. "You need to stay away from her." He says with a warning tone. </p><p>"You're just jealous." Simon says instantly and Nathan's shaking his head. </p><p>"No, I'm not...I'm not..." He tries to argue but he doesn't have any proof or reasoning and yeah maybe he is a little jealous. This girl swoops in out of nowhere and suddenly has all of Simon's attention. He wouldn't even let Nathan stand around and do nothing beside him while Simon did all the work like usual. Instead, Simon wanted to work with the pretty little preppy blonde bitch. What did she have that he didn't? Other than a vag and big knockers.</p><p>"Yes you are. You're jealous that Jillian likes me and not you. That's why you can't be nice to her even though she's nice to you. It's because she doesn't want to sleep with you. You're just mad because you can't take rejection." Simon's eyes are narrowing and his fist are balled at his side.</p><p>"No, that's not it, Barry. I wouldn't sleep with that bitch if my life depended on it!" Simon surges forward and shoves Nathan back into the wall. Nathan's eyes go wide in shock and his mouth hangs open in surprise. </p><p>"Don't call her that." Simon says through clenched teeth. </p><p>"Simon." Nathan breathes out using his real name to get his attention. "You need to listen to me. I wouldn't lie to you." Nathan insists sounding desperate this time. </p><p>"Yes you would." Simon says. "You have before. Nathan, all you do is lie." Simon is shaking his head at him and walking away before Nathan can argue that he doesn't lie all the time and that he really is trying to protect Simon. </p><p>Alisha comes up to him and puts a hand on his clothed shoulder comfortingly. "C'mon lets go find some proof." </p>
<hr/><p>The party is just a lame as a party would be without drugs or alcohol or any fun dance music, Nathan thinks. The worst part is that the whole thing starts off with an actual Narcotics Anonymous meeting. Everyone sits in a circle and tells everyone the horrible things they've done while hoped up on meth or heroin. Nathan's been to these type of meetings before. His mam had made him go when he was 16 as a condition to stay in the house. He never stopped using while he went he just learned tips and tricks to hide his stash and the fact that he was using better. </p><p>"And before I knew it I woke up in an field cold and alone. I found out later that night that my girlfriend had overdosed and I was too hoped up on crystal meth to care. It just about destroyed me. This group has saved my life. I know we've lost a few members along the way but the rest of us are here trying to save each other." A girl says, wiping her tears as she sits back down.</p><p>Jillian's turn is up and Nathan's sulking against a wall in a corner staring at her in disgust. Simon, who's sitting beside her, hasn't taken his eyes off her. "Hi, I'm Jillian and I started this program because my dad was a drug user and an abuser. It was too late for him to get help when he finally realized he needed it and I just want to let other people know it's not too late. You can get better I'm here to help you...we all are." Simon reaches out and puts a hand on her shoulder to comfort her and it makes him fume. Simon isn't a tactile person...in fact the only person in the group he ever touches is Nathan. He doesn't even know this girl and he's comforting her. Nathan's rolling his eyes and shaking his head when he sees a dark figure in the corner that starts to walk away and disappear down the hallway. </p><p>"I'll be back. Keep an eye on little miss puritan for me, will ya?." Alisha nods and he walks away following after the dark figure. He follows the figure all the way to the locker room. There's a girl standing by sinks staring in the mirror. She's covered in a cold swear with bags under her eyes and needle marks in her arm. "She's a killer." The girl says. "The woman in there? I was her girlfriend. That skinny blonde bitch killed me."</p><p>"Jillian?" Nathan hears himself asking, excitement is bubbling in his throat before it dissolves into a pit in his stomach. Yes, he and Alisha were right and they both love being right but the bad news is they were right. Not only is something wrong with Jillian but she's a psycho murdering bitch. </p><p>"Yeah. It's the storm. She had the group before the storm but something was always off with her. It's like she only listened to our stories to revel in the fact that we're fuck ups. But my girlfriend Natalya really liked her and really wanted help so we kept going to her little meetings. I can't believe I let my guard down. She has this...this power where she touches you and you get shot up with some type of drug but it looks like an overdose, like you did it to yourself. I hate to be the one to tell you this but it looks like she's got her eyes on your boyfriend now. I wouldn't leave them alone if I were you."</p><p>"Simon's never done drugs in his life." Nathan argues.</p><p>"Then maybe she's not after only after him." She stares him down. "I'd watch your back too if I was you."</p><p>"Thanks fer the heads up but I'm not really worried about me. And hey, I'm sorry about the whole murder 'ting. Probably didn't deserve that." Nathan says and he's genuinely sorry. "Do you know why she's going 'round murderin' people?"</p><p>"Yeah, she's targeting drug addicts to get back at her molester of a dad." Nathan looks at her in disbelief and the ghost girl just shrugs. "I know. Super lame, right?"</p><p>"Totally. I mean who wasn't molested as a kid? If everyone that was molested went 'round killin' people there'd be no people left at all!" He exclaimed. It was true. Nathan was molested by at least two of his mam's boyfriends and a priest or two as a boy. He'd never murdered anyone...well not directly anyway. Most of it was Simon or they all had a hand in it. Plus everyone that they killed had it coming so that didn't count.</p><p>"Like I said total bitch...anyway...go save your boyfriend before it's too late."</p>
<hr/><p>Nathan stormed back into the party room looking everywhere for Simon. He locked eyes with Alisha from across the room and nodded letting her know he got all the dirt he needed on Jillian. His eyes find Simon and his feet carry him across the room without his brain consciously deciding to. All he can think about is his Simon awkwardly trying to shuffle next to a murdering wench. Bless the poor boy for being a horribly awkward autistic with terrible dance moves. Even if he was, Simon was his horribly awkward autistic with terrible dance moves and he wasn't about to let some blonde bimbo murder him. </p><p>"Nathan what are you-" Nathan's hand raises and makes contact with Jillian's cheek before Simon can finish his sentence. She makes a shocked noise from the back of her throat and Simon's glaring daggers at him. "What the hell?" He yells as a crowd begins to gather around them.</p><p>"Not on my watch, Bitch!" Nathan yells and shoves Jillian for good measure. <em>Fuck, </em>he thinks as Jillian grabs a hold of his forearm pretending to try and balance herself from the shove. <em>Fuck, </em>he thinks again as he feels a pinch where her hand is above his forearm. It's not like when you really take drugs. It's instantaneous and a rush and feels like he's taken twice the amount a normal person would take. The side effects are instantaneous and he feels his knees start to buckle just as the cold sweats kick in. Jillian is staring down at him with a wicked smile before her expression turns into one of fake concern. <em>Fuck, </em>he thinks again.</p><p>"Nathan, what did you take?" She asks, she sounds genuinely troubled and he wants to beat the shit out of her even more now. </p><p>He falls to the floor and lands on his back, hitting the back of his head hard on the floor. His eyes are glazing over but he reaches up and tries to grab a hold of Simon. The other boy's face is contorted in anger and worse of all disappointment. He opens his mouth to try and tell Simon that he didn't take anything he's not the screw up everyone always thinks he is...that he needs to stay away from Jillian before she fucking kills him. "S-simon get away f-" he manages to get out before his eyes flutter shut and the world goes black. </p>
<hr/><p>When he wakes up he's alone and on the floor of the locker room. He's got a splitting headache and feels like he's finally coming down from at least a week long bender. It takes awhile for him to come to and everything comes back to him, hitting him at once. He reaches in his pocket to grab his phone. Panic is rising in him in the form of bile in the back of his throat. He vomits on the floor, his body wracked with sobs from how painful it is. He's got nothing in his stomach and barely anything to throw up.</p><p>He wipes his mouth and takes long drawn out intakes of harsh breath. His finger's fumble over the pad of his phone as he finds Simon's contact, the light from the phone making his eyes and head hurt. It rings a few times before Simon finally picks up.</p><p>He hears an annoyed sigh on the other end and is instantly filled with relief. "Nathan-"</p><p>"Simon, oh thank god." Is the first thing he says because his brain is still trying to play catch up, his voice is hoarse and his breathing quick and uneven. "Where are you? Are you okay?" </p><p>"Nathan, I'm fine. Jillian says if I talk to you I'm just enabling your drug problem. I have to go." </p><p>"Wait! Wait!" Nathan says quickly and Simon sighs again. "I do not have a fuckin' drug problem yer little girlfriends a fuckin' murderer, alright? You need to stay away from her I'm coming to get you. Where are you?" </p><p>"Nathan she's not a murderer, okay? You're not thinking clearly and whatever you're on clearly has you paranoid. Call me when you sober up. We can talk later."</p><p>"Simon, just tell me where you are!" He says but Simon hangs up anyway. He tries calling him another four times and it goes straight to voicemail each time. He must've turned his phone off.</p><p>"Fuck, fuck, fuck!" He screams, punching at the lockers. He's about to fucking lose it. He's scared, he realizes, scared that he's gonna lose Simon or that Simon will never believe him or that he won't be able to save him. Which is the worst part thus far because Simon isn't immortal and can really actually die. Like die forever die. </p><p>He fumbles for his phone and calls the only person who doesn't think he's crazy and will actually believe him. It stings that the only person he can turn to is Alisha and not Simon but whatever she'll do for now. The phone rings and rings until it goes to voicemail. and fuck how come none of these assholes answer their fuckin' phones! "Alisha it's me. Listen, Jillian's gonna kill again if we don't stop her. You're the only one that can help me and I can't do this on my own. Get Kelly and Curtis to go find Simon and meet me at the community center when you get this. I'll be waiting." Nathan paused as he heard a bang from outside the locker room.. " Oh, and Alisha, hurry. I don't have much time. She's here."</p>
<hr/><p>Alisha is the first one to arrive she's waiting outside when the rest of them show up with a reluctant Simon. "Alisha, what's this all about?" Curtis asked. </p><p>"I don't really know. Nathan left me this weird voicemail and told me to get all of us to meet him here. It sounded bad." Alisha says, giving Simon a pointed look.</p><p>Simon scoffs. "He's probably just doing it for attention since I wouldn't talk to him." </p><p>"Yeah, I think he's really lost it this time." Curtis says.</p><p>"Guys, I don't know." Alisha says, shaking her head. "I really believe him."</p><p>"Nah, he's just jealous Simon's got a new girlfriend and doesn't wanna go out with 'em anymore."</p><p>"We're not going out." Simon says way too quickly and too defensively.</p><p>"Who? You an' Nathan or you and Jillian?" Curtis's presses and Simon's cheeks go pink.</p><p>"I'm not going out with either of them." He grumbles.</p><p>"Guys, focus!" Alisha snaps. "Did he try and contact anyone else?"</p><p>"No, I checked I didn't get a message or nuthin'." Kelly says.</p><p>"No, not me." Curtis says, shaking his head even though it's probably obvious that he would be the last person Nathan would call.</p><p>"So no ones spoken to him since he freaked out last night?" Alisha asks, trying to piece everything together while they wait for Nathan to let them in.</p><p>"He c-called me." Simon says reluctantly.</p><p>"Go on. what did 'e say?" Kelly asks starting to feel unsettled herself.</p><p>"He was just talking crazy. It didn't make sense. He wanted to know where I was because he thinks Jillian's a murderer? I think he was still messed up on whatever he took so I just...I hung up." Simon explains lamely, he wants to shrink in on himself from the glare Alisha is sending him.</p><p>"Holy shit." Alisha exhales. "So he did get proof...." She trails off going to check the door. It's locked. "Fuck!" She exclaims, hitting the door in frustration. From what Simon just said and what Nathan said in her voicemail she assumes he's already been killed. She turns around to face the group. "Kelly, did you hear any of Nathan's thoughts before he passed out?" She wants to know what kind of proof Nathan found since he's probably still dead</p><p>"I mean they didn't really make any sense, y'know?" Kelly says, shrugging.</p><p>"And?" Alisha presses. </p><p>"I dunno it was just fuck, fuck, fuck." Kelly says. "But...he didn't sound like 'emself....he sounded, like, proper scared." </p><p>"Scared? Why would Nathan be scared?" Simon asks, he's wringing his hands at his side obviously feeling uncomfortable and a little uneasy.</p><p>"I don't think Nathan can meet us here." Alisha says and gestures for them to follow her before running to the back door. </p><p>"What's going on?" Simon asks, he sounds uneasy as he follows after her and Alisha thinks he should.</p><p>"Let's go see if his body's still here." Alisha says. </p><p>"Body?" Curtis asks following close behind. The doors unlocked and it further proves Alisha's theory that her and Nathan were right. Something wasn't right with that bitch and she was gonna prove it. </p><p>Kelly is the first to notice the bloody drag marks on the floor. She gasps and follows them towards the locker room. "Nathan? Nathan, where are you? This isn't funny...."She trails off hesitantly pushing the door open. "Oh, fuck!" She yells and the rest of the group rushes forward to see what's inside. </p><p>One of the mirrors is busted with blood in the glass. There's another pool of blood on the floor and a bloody hand print smeared on the lockers. Nathan's phone is left abandoned on the floor. The belongings from some of the lockers are scattered about on the floor from an obvious struggle. The pool of blood on the floor turns into drag marks that lead towards the hallway. </p><p>"What the fok'!" Kelly curses, her hands coming up to cover her mouth in shock.</p><p>"Where's the body?" Curtis asked, searching the showers and the toilets but still no Nathan.</p><p>Alisha isn't particularly close to Nathan but he did defend her in front of those chavs the other day and he even got his ass beat for her. Plus, for whatever reason he had trusted her to save Simon in case something happened to him. She can't read minds like Kelly but she knows Simon means a lot to Nathan more than he lets on. And how did Simon repay him when Nathan tried to warn him about a murdering psycho? Simon didn't even believe Nathan. If Curtis did that to her she'd be pissed. She can't help but feel bad for Nathan. "This is all your fault!" Alisha accused pointing at Simon. "If you would've just trusted Nathan in the first place none of this would've happened! But no you push him aside when the first pretty girl you meet starts giving you attention. "</p><p>Simon is staring at the blood on the floor with wide eyes. His hands coming up to pat his hair as he feels the start of a nervous breakdown happening. "No...I...I..."</p><p>"Alisha, lay off of 'em he feels bad enough." Kelly says with a warning tone to her voice.</p><p>"Th-th-the voicemail. Play the voicemail." Simon demands trying to pull himself out of his panic before he starts to spiral. </p><p>Alisha huffs but pulls her phone out and plays the voicemail. "Alisha it's me. Listen, Jillian's gonna kill again if we don't stop her. You're the only one that can help me and I can't do this on my own. Get Kelly and Curtis to go find Simon and meet me at the community center when you get this. I'll be waiting." Nathan's voice is panicked and he's speaking quickly like he's about to be cut from the call. There's an audible bang from the background of the call and it makes Simon flinch with guilt. " Oh, and Alisha, hurry. I don't have much time. She's here." He whispers this, his voice sounding scared and it's off putting for the rest of them to hear him like that. </p><p>"Oh shit. Wot are we gonna do?" Kelly asks.</p><p>"Okay. Okay. Okay." Simon repeats, pacing around the room. "Let me think."</p><p>"Think faster! The bitch bloody kidnapped him. He could be anywhere right now!"</p><p>"I know!" Simon yells, his voice booming and echoing in the empty locker room. They've never seen him so upset or angry before. It's frightening all on it's own. "I know." He repeats, softer this time as he tries to get a grip on himself. He feels guilty enough without Alisha having to throw it in his face. All Nathan was trying to do was warn and protect Simon and Alisha was right, all he could think about was how pretty Jillian was and how nice she was to him. He really had cast Nathan aside just for a girl like his friends in grade school did to him. He was no better than them...no he was worse than them. Not only had he hurt Nathan's feelings but he ignored him when he needed help the most. Nathan had called him at least 4 other times and he had turned his phone off and ignored him. He ignored Nathan while he was being kidnapped. " Okay. Okay. I think I have an idea." </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter sorry to leave ya'll in suspense but honestly poor Nathan for what I'm about to do to him. I also wanted to dabble in writing from multiple characters and it's kinda hard for me to find their voices (especially Alisha but I think she's a lot smarter than people give her credit for). So just let me know how I did I appreciate the feedback.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Fuck...It's So Good To See You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Nathan wakes up in a bright white room on the cold concrete floor. He pulls himself up into a sitting position. He's got a killer migraine and the big ass LED lights overhead are only making it hard to concentrate. His hand comes up and he feels the blood on his face from where he was smashed into the fucking mirror. The veins in his arms are burning from whatever the fuck was injected into his bloodstream. </p><p>Nathan goes to stand up but his movements are uncoordinated and clumsy. He's probably only been under for a few hours because he can still feel the drugs coursing through his system. He's got cold chills and his stomach is churning and there's a twisting pain in his gut. It takes him even longer to realize he can feel the cold ground against his bare feet. Great, he thinks, the bitch stole my shoes too. </p><p>He feels panic start to rise in him and his lungs are burning from the need to be free. It's his old pal claustrophobia coming back to pay him a visit and he's pissed because he doesn't have time for his own bullshit. </p><p>He blinks a few times and rubs his eyes with the palms of his hands to try and refocus himself. There's an open doorway at the other end of the room he's in. </p><p>"Nathan-" it's the sickly sweet voice of Jillian over a loud speaker-"you have been brought here to atone for your sins. Even your friends, the people closest to you, call you nothing more than a loser junkie loser who only ever abuses the people who care about you. Because of your actions you are hereby sentenced to death. You have 9 hours to make it out of here or your sentence with be carried out. Don't believe me? Watch this."  </p><p>He steps forward, slowly making his way into the doorway. Inside a large TV monitor turns on. It's a recording of a naked man chained to a wall. The man is sobbing and covered in blood. "No! Please, please, God no! Help! Help! Somebody save me please!" Jillian steps forward and presses her hand over his forearm and her power injects inside him.</p><p>"Shhhh. No one can hear you here." Jillian soothes. The man starts to seize out and foam from the mouth. His body shakes violently against the wall before his head lolls to the side and his body stops moving entirely. </p><p>Nathan thinks it's a good thing he can't die and he's glad she doesn't know that. Even if he does die he can just wait until he's alive again to try and escape again. It's not like he'd be trapped here forever, right? </p><p>The monitor cuts off and Nathan continues down the doorway. It leads to a set of stairs he hesitantly starts walking down them but a low growling sound catches his attention. He turns around slowly, warily. There's three large Doberman's at the end of the hallway and as soon as they catch him staring they erupt into loud barking and begin snarling at him. The first one lunges at him and the other two follow, they begin chasing him down the stairs. He runs as fast as he can, too fast even, and trips on his own feet. He tumbles down the flight of stairs. It takes a second for him to catch his bearings from the blinding pain and fear he's experiencing. </p><p>There's a choked sound coming from the dogs and he looks up. The dogs each have a collar around their necks with a chain that's attached to the wall up the stairs. The chain has run out of slack and there's no way they can get any closer to him. He turns around to see a door and quickly scrambles to his feet to get to it. </p><p>He tries to open the door but it seems there's a lock on the other end that's keeping him from opening it all the way. </p><p>He curses himself for not being as smart as Simon or as strong as Kelly or Curtis. He doesn't know any useful tips and tricks like Alisha either and if he does his brain is too fogged up from the drugs in his system to think straight. The only thing he's got going for him is that he's furious. He knows that if he doesn't escape before the others come looking for him she's gonna drug and hurt them too. The thought alone pisses him off.</p><p>He doesn't know what waits for him behind the door but the thought of the rest of his friends being caught here and sentenced to death makes him want to throw up. They're not immortal like him and if she kills them it's game over for real. Thank god he's a gambling man. </p><p>"Fine!" He screams backing up to the stairs as the dogs growl at his back. "If you wanna play then lets fuckin' play!" He runs forward, throwing his shoulder and all of his body weight into the door. The lock breaks from the force and the door swings open. He falls on his face and immediately hisses in pain. It's not from the fall he realizes grimly. It's from the glass that's embedded itself into his cheek and forehead, his palms, his legs, everywhere...it's everywhere. There's no way around it. It covers the floor of the entire large room and from the looks of it down into the hallway as well. </p><p>He can't help the cry of pain that escapes him when he presses his palms and knees into the glass to sit himself up. He's tired...bone deep exhausted from the come down of the toxins in his body, and over exerting himself, and the pain he's constantly had to push through for what seems like days now. He has no concept of time considering he's been rendered unconscious twice already in who knows how many days or hours or whatever. He looks up and sees a camera in the corner ceiling of the room. He wonders if Jillian is watching him or if she's out seducing Simon...he kinds hopes she's still in the building watching him and far, far away from Simon.</p><p>He doesn't realize he's crying until his tears have slid all the way down his chest. He's so tired and in so much pain but he knows he's got to push forward. Alisha's a smart girl she's probably worked everything out already and told the others he's missing. He knows Simon will figure out where he is somehow and all of them will come to rescue him without even knowing how dangerous Jillian is. All she had to do was touch them and they'd be knocked out from the drugs and thrown in a room full of glass shards like him. </p><p>He angrily brushes the tears away and pushes himself up, the glass cutting through his hands. He doesn't stop until he's standing up right and his bare feet are bleeding badly from stepping on the glass. He takes a few steps forward but the pain is too much and he wants to collapse from it. He's crying harder now and he really wish he wasn't acting like such a pussy. </p><p>It's stupid and pointless but he takes his shirt off and places it on the floor. He steps on it and uses it to slide himself across the floor. It's horrible and painstakingly slow considering how long the room is but he forces his battered body to keep going. He's tempted to stand up and just run across but he's not brave enough and he hates himself for it. </p><hr/><p>They're sitting in Kelly's mum's car outside of the police station. They're waiting for Simon who's gone invisible and followed a cop in. He was meant to go in and search up Jillian's name in the database and find what properties she owns or any type of clue on ware she could be holding Nathan but it's been half an hour and they're starting to think he's been caught or somethings gone wrong. </p><p> Alisha, Curtis, and Kelly were too busy arguing over what could've gone wrong that by opening the door and sliding into the backseat Simon scares the shit out of all of them. Curtis startles but pretends he doesn't and Kelly lets out an embarrassing squeak. </p><p>"Fuckin' hell, Simon." Alisha says from the back seat. </p><p>In a very Simon-like fashion he waste no time giving them the details. "When Jillian's father died he left his warehouse to her. It's 326 Eastend Lane. Drive!" </p><p>Kelly, bless her, peels out of the police parking lot much faster than she should. It makes Simon remember that he's not the only one who cares for Nathan. He might not even care for him the most. Kelly would've believed Nathan no matter how handsome the bloke was. She would've believed him and helped him get proof and she would've beat the hell out of anyone who tried to kidnap him. Hell, even Alisha had believed him. Simon felt like a fucking idiot. No he felt worse than an idiot he was the absolute worst. He hated himself in the moment and he's almost certain that years from now he'll look back on his decisions and hate himself all over again. </p><p>Nathan was the most complicated person he's ever met and he's not sure he'll ever understand him entirely but he does have an innate desire to protect Nathan. He just wishes he hadn't fucked it up so badly. It's not much and it probably wouldn't count for much in Nathan's eyes, not anymore anyway, but he promises that he'll listen to Nathan and he won't let anyone hurt him ever again. He doesn't know much about Nathan's life considering he's never sure if Nathan is exaggerating or not but it seems like he's already led a more painful existence than the rest of them. Now hurting Nathan was Simon's fault too. He'd been so preoccupied with a girl he knew nothing about to even give Nathan a second glace let alone stop and think that maybe all Nathan was trying to do was look out for him. </p><p>Nathan who Simon knew was good and kind. Nathan who sat through a scary movie because it was Simon's favorite. Nathan who would smoke a cigarette to stall having to go into the community center alone or to keep Simon from leaving. Nathan who would follow him home without asking if he could come in because he wanted company. Nathan who Simon actually wanted for company. Nathan who could make a joke out of the sickest of things just to make the people around him laugh. Nathan who drank too much and did too many drugs and partied too much and was the complete opposite of Simon or who Simon envisioned himself being with but fuck he was starting to imagine what it would be like to be with someone like Nathan over someone like Jillian. Not that he even knows if Nathan will ever speak to him again after how badly he fucked up.</p><p>Simon was too busy in his own head staring out the windshield to listen to the others talking. Kelly keeps glancing at him but he's too worried to be embarrassed that she's been listening to his thoughts. </p><p>"Yeah, that looks right." Curtis says from beside Alisha as they pull into the empty field across from the warehouse. "So, uhhh, what's the plan?" </p><p>"I dunno just...go in and get 'em?" Kelly suggests as she cuts the engine.</p><p>"The place is huge. How are we gonna even know where to look?" Alisha asks. "I mean we don't even have any weapons. If she's a murderer how are we gonna even defend ourselves?" </p><p>Simon pulls the handle and pushes the car door open. He's storming across the field without a plan. He doesn't need a plan..he's gonna go in there and find Nathan and get him out. Whatever it takes, he thinks. </p><p>"Simon. Simon. Simon!" He can hear Kelly calling after him but he's not listening. He can hear the sound of the trunk slamming shut but he doesn't turn around. Kelly catches up and walks beside him a baseball bat in her hand. Curtis and Alisha follow close behind. It's cheesy, he knows it is, but he feels better storming into an unknown place on a rescue mission with his friends beside him. He would go in alone if he had to. In fact, nothing could stop him from going in the warehouse not when Nathan was presumably somewhere inside but he feels more secure going in with backup.</p><p>They get to the side of the warehouse and there's a door with a lock. Kelly takes her bat and beats the lock until it breaks. Simon rips the lock off and slides the door up. Him and Kelly walk in together side by side she's holding the bat up ready to strike. It's bright inside the warehouse, impossibly so, and the white walls give it an eerily clinical feel to it. They walk down a long corridor that leads to a flight of stairs. They take the stairs and it leads to a hallway with a left and right option. Simon turns right and opens the door. Inside the room there's a bunch of monitors broadcasting everything going on in the large warehouse. There's many different rooms and a couple stair cases. There's a large white room that leads to a staircase. There's three growling dogs at the bottom. There's an all black room and corridor where the camera is in night vision mode. There's rooms filled with various different torture methods and a lot of really horrible things. All of them are searching the monitors for Nathan. There's a room where the floor is entirely covered in blood and glass on the floor.</p><p>Simon turns around and blindly punches the wall in anger. He can tell the girl's flinched by his outburst but he doesn't have the capacity to feel bad for them. </p><p>"There 'e is!" Kelly called out making him whip around. </p><p>Nathan is laying limply against the wall of the dark room he's in. His shoes are in the hallway and a door is opened that leads to the outside. They watch as Nathan pitifully pulls himself up off the wall. He crawls his way to his shoes and the door to escape. He's so close to just crawling to freedom when the door slams shut in front of him. There's a click from an automatic lock. "Nooooo!" Nathan screams and pounds the floor with his bloody fist. "Fuck you you fucking bitch!" He screams and it makes Simon's heart break. </p><p>Simon's face is contorted in anger and hurt his eyes not leaving Nathan's body as he lets his body fall in defeat. </p><p>"Holy shit it looks like Jillian is coming right for him!" Curtis exclaims pointing to the monitor that shows Jillian heading to the room Nathan's in. "Whatever we're gonna do we gotta do it fast." Curtis says turning around to face Simon. Even he wants to flinch away from the other boy he's got crazy eyes and Curtis would be scared shitless if he were Jillian. </p><p>Simon is turning away from them and storming down the stairs. The other's follow close behind. Simon had the monitor order memorized for the most part and only had to back track once. </p><p>They burst through the room to find Nathan lying on his back with Jillian standing over him. Jillian looks up from the noise and gives them a wicked smile. "Nice of you to join us." She says, holding her hand out towards them.</p><p>Nathan reaches a hand out and weakly grabs her by the ankle. "Don't let the bitch touch you!" He yells, his voice cracking and hoarse. </p><p>Kelly holds her bat up swings it as hard as she can and hits the blonde bitch over the head. Jillian stumbles back and Kelly swings hitting her again and again. Jillian crumbles to the floor. "You messed with the wrong bitch, bitch!" She swings one more time for good measure.</p><p>Simon fell to his knees beside Nathan. He's got his crumpled up shirt and his beat up converse in his hands. He's got cuts on his face with glass embedded in his cheek and above his eyebrows. His hands and feet are bloody messes and there's cuts on his face and abdomen with bits of glass in his skin. Simon's hands are shaking as he places them on Nathan's shoulders to pull him in a sitting position. He's afraid to stand Nathan up with the glass in his feet. "You're okay. You're gonna be fine. I'm gonna get you out of here." He assures Nathan. </p><p>One of Nathan's eyes is swollen shut and there's an angry bruise on the left side of his face from where he was smashed into the mirror back in the locker room. It doesn't matter though because he sees Simon and he still manages a small smile. "Fuck-" he exhales shakily-"its so good to see you." </p><p>Simon can't help the strangled noise that escapes from the back of his throat. He feels horrible for thinking it but he's relieved Nathan's glad to see him. He was sure the other boy would be pissed at him. "It's great to see you too." Simon says, cupping Nathan's face in his hands gingerly. Nathan's lower lip is trembling and his good eye is watering but he's not crying. </p><p>"Let me see her." Nathan says suddenly, he tries to push himself up and his arms would've given out if it wasn't for Simon holding onto him and helping him up. He stands up and hobbles over to where Jillian is holding her face and curled up on the floor where Kelly had left her. Nathan narrows his eyes down at her and can't help but start laughing. It's a completely inappropriate response and he doesn't have to look to see the others giving him looks of concern and confusion. But he's laughing because he's filled with relief because holy shit he's done it. He's free. "I won." He says when she looks up at him from the ground. "I won!" He screams at her he's not laughing anymore. The other's have never seen him so angry or scary. He looks demented with the blood dripping down the side of his face and his voice booming in the room. "Fuck you. Who wasn't touched as a kid, huh? You think that gives you the right to kidnap and murder people? You don't get to do that! You don't get to do that!" </p><p>Simon freezes in his spot he feels overwhelmed by the feeling of not knowing what to do to help. He feels completely incapable and it's not something he's used to feeling. He's never seen Nathan like this and he's more than a little terrified. Not only has Nathan implied that he was forced to play some sick sort of game Jillian invented but he's included himself in the list of people who've been molested and didn't kidnap, torture, and murder people. </p><p>He's never been more thankful for Kelly than right now as she collected Nathan in her arms and turned him around. "C'mon lets get ya' out of 'ere, yeah?" She says comfortingly. It reminds Simon that not only is she protective of him but she deeply cares for Nathan too...for all of them. </p><p>"I love you." Nathan exhales into her hair. "And I missed you." It's not in a romantic way that makes Simon jealous but like a child who's been lost in the mall and finally found his mum after a scary time apart. It's pure and sweet and painful and very uncharacteristically Nathan. </p><p>"It's alright. I got you." She says, smoothing his curls down. "I'll help you lets go." Kelly's much braver than him and he's immensely thankful for it. </p><p>"You guys go ahead. I'm gonna take care of this." Simon says, his jaw clenched as he gestures to Jillian on the floor. "I'll be quick and meet you in the car." He gives no further explanation and his friends don't ask. They can see the dark look in his eye and they know better than to stick around. </p><p>"D'ya need help?" Alisha asks and Simon shakes his head he knows she doesn't really want to and she's just trying to be sensitive. </p><p>"I'll help Simon. Just get him out of here he doesn't need to see this." Curtis says and he's got a similar look in his eyes to Simon though not as intense. It's weird because Simon was sure Curtis couldn't stand Nathan but perhaps he'd read him wrong. Maybe it was just hard for Curtis to express his feelings maybe they had a lot more in common than either of them liked to admit. </p><p>Alisha goes to the other side of Nathan and carefully takes a hold of him as he falls in and out of consciousness. They take him to the car and sit him in the backseat, his head lolls to the side and his eyes close.</p><hr/><p>Nathan is in and out of consciousness when Curtis and Simon make their way back to the car. He’s muttering stuff under his breath when Simon scoots into the seat next to him. Curtis squeezes up front with Alisha and Kelly to give them space. <br/><br/>Nathan attaches himself to Simon’s side the minute he realizes he’s entered the car. He doesn’t say or do anything just let’s his head loll to the side and rest on Simon’s shoulder. Simon goes stiff at first from the contact but relaxes soon after. His hand reaches up to Nathan’s neck and checks his pulse. It’s beating a bit rapidly but it’s strong and steady. It appears he isn’t going to die any time soon.  </p><p>“Should we take him to the hospital?” Alisha asks turning to look back at him as Kelly starts the car up. </p><p>“No hospital.” Nathan mumbles under his breath. </p><p>“No, we’ll take him to my house.” Simon says. Kelly turns to give him a weird look, her eyebrow raised. “No ones home this weekend. He’ll be able to rest there and I can keep an eye on him.” Simon explains. <br/><br/>Kelly drives them to Simon’s house while he gives her directions. Nathan’s asleep when they get there. “Call me if you need me or if anything happens.” She says as he opens the door and gently pulls Nathan out of the car. It’s getting dark now and Kelly’s mum will need the car for work. </p><p>“I will. I promise.” He replies. <br/><br/>“Do you need help?” Curtis asks as</p><p>Simon struggles to hold Nathan up on his own. <br/><br/>“No!” Simon says too quickly and too aggressively. He doesn’t mean to be rude but he feels a strong sense of wanting to protect Nathan from the world wash over him. “No. I’ve got it. Thanks.” He adds trying not to sound tense. It’s not that he thinks Curtis will hurt Nathan or make anything worse he just doesn’t want anyone else near the other boy right now-not while he’s so vulnerable. </p><p>Curtis most see this because he nods and gives Simon a small smile in reply. He’s not angry or upset with Simon and he can’t help but feel a bit relieved. <br/>He tells them bye and fumbles with his keys to unlock the front door with one hand. It’s difficult but he manages. He takes Nathan directly upstairs and into his bathroom. He knows Nathan is tired and probably wants nothing more than to rest but he can’t leave the glass in his skin or his wounds untreated. </p><p>“Nathan I need you to wake up.” The other boy grumbles against him but his eye cracks open to take a peek at him. </p><p>“D’I have to?” He asks. <br/><br/>“Yes you have to. I’m gonna set you down and I need you to stay awake so you don’t fall over.” Simon explains as he sits Nathan on the closed toilet. <br/><br/>Simon turns away from him and opens the mirror cabinet. He takes out some tweezers and some alcohol. He opens the cabinets under the sink and pulls out a first aid kit. He pours the rubbing alcohol over the tweezers. He takes the supplies and sits them on the floor beside the toilet. He crouched down in front of Nathan who’s sitting in just his boxer briefs. He lifts Nathan’s right foot up and grabs the tweezers. “It’s going to hurt, I’m sorry, but I have to take it out and clean it.” <br/><br/>”It’s alright.” Nathan assures. He clenches his teeth and steadies himself. “Go ahead.” He encourages before he can change his mind and tell Simon to leave him alone. <br/>Simon takes the tweezers and begins pulling the shards of glass out of Nathan’s foot. It’s terribly painful and there’s still quite a bit of dried and fresh blood. Nathan’s making hisses and soft exhales of air but keeps his jaw clenched and his eyes squeezed shut tight. Other than that and a few groans of pain he doesn’t say anything and Simon’s eternally grateful. He doesn’t want to hear how much he’s hurting Nathan. He’s trying to hurry but it’s a slow and painful process. He finishes the first foot and cleans it with a clean cloth and rubbing alcohol. He puts an antibacterial ointment over the cut and begins to wrap a bandage around it. He does the same with the next foot and Nathan’s hands as well. </p><p>His feet and hands had the most amount of glass but the shards that wedged their way into his abdomen were the most painful. He’s gripping Simon’s shoulder tightly his hand hurts from the pressure but it’s not as bad as the rubbing alcohol hitting the cuts on his stomach. “Fuck!” He calls out breaking the silence among them. </p><p>Nathan's body is shaking and there's goosebumps across his skin. His face is contorted in pain and Simon wants to take it away but he can't. Worse of all he caused it. He picked some pretty girl over Nathan and they both knew it. Simon felt worse than when he was bullied in school and worse when he realized he was going to be invisible his whole life and way worse than the night when he tried to burn down Matt's house. He feels like he's fucked everything up between him and Nathan. He hasn't, which makes him feel even shittier. He knows Nathan has gone his whole life being mistreated and abused and doesn't seem to trust people easily. He trusted Simon, though, and he's only let him down. But Nathan still smiled at him and trusted him to take care of him after he's been kidnapped and tortured in some sick game by the girl Simon had a fucking crush on. </p><p>Simon isn't aware that he's crying until he hears a sharp intake of breath from Nathan. "Oh, Barry." He whispers and slides off the toilet seat to sit across from Simon. It's too much and it makes Simon want to cry harder but he's doing everything in his power to remain silent. 'What are we gonna do with you?" He asks, his hand coming up to cup Simon's cheek. He leans forward and his lips press against Simon's. There's no motion to the kiss it's not lips mashed against lips or teeth smashing into teeth like he expected kissing Nathan to be like, not that he's thought about it too much. It's just a soft, chaste peck of the lips. It's lips touching lips in the most gentle way he could imagine a kiss to be. It's over before it could even be anything more because Simon was too be shocked over the gesture and too busy over analyzing it to be in the moment. But when they pull apart Nathan's smiling kindly at him. "It's gonna be okay." He says, his thumb wiping tears off Simon's cheek.</p><p>Simon has never cried in front of anyone before, not since he was a kid, and certainly hadn't expected to in front of Nathan. He also never expected his first kiss to go to Nathan either but it's been a weird year and he probably should've. The first time had been under the influence of the tattoo but Simon didn’t count that because he didn’t want his first kiss to be something that was forced by someone’s powers. This was simply a kiss Nathan wanted to give him. Simon nods back at Nathan and sniffles. He wipes his tears away quickly and turns his face away from the curly haired boy. He feels pathetic for crying and even more so for Nathan having to comfort him. </p><p>He takes a minute to himself before turning back to face Nathan. "Alright. Let's finish up and get you to bed." He says and goes to get the last remaining glass from the cuts on Nathan's face. He can't help the way his eyes fall back to look at Nathan's chapped lips.</p><hr/><p>They would get Nathan in the shower tomorrow or perhaps the day after that. He's freezing from the come down of the drugs and the shock that's settled in. Simon has to help get Nathan into a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie but he doesn't mind. It doesn't feel like something he must do out of obligation or guilt but out of caring for Nathan and wanting him to feel safe, warm, comforted. He's never really wanted to make another person feel that way before, not anyone who wasn't his little sister anyway but even then it's different somehow. It's an instinct to take care of his sister because she's younger and fragile and y'know his little sister. With Nathan it's out of want, he has a desire to be there for him and care for him and tuck Nathan into his bed with the covers draped over his thin frame. </p><p>He feels as though he can breathe freely when he crawls into bed beside Nathan and joins him under the blanket. His body is icy cold like it always is and Simon willfully meets him under the covers, body against body. He can't describe the way he feels when Nathan's shivering frame turns and melts into him because he's never had a feeling like this before. Somehow it's better and less confusing than Nathan kissing him. Somehow it makes sense and doesn't all at the same time. The more rational side of him knows Nathan's cold and was seeking his warmth but the other part of him, the hapless and perhaps romantic part of him can see the way Nathan's whole body relaxes against him and thinks maybe Nathan needed to be next to him- on top of him to feel safe.</p><p>And maybe that's his problem, he's always torn by the two sides of himself. Maybe it was those sides of him that made him choose Jillian over Nathan. Perhaps his mind and his heart were at war with one another trying to decide if he wanted Nathan or not. Jillian had seemed like everything he'd wanted in a partner. She had seemed kind and paid attention to Simon like he was special, like he was a diamond in the rough that had finally been found and polished off. But she wasn't really those things and maybe Nathan was. </p><p>He was pretty too but in a way that's much different than a girl like Jillian. He wasn't soft curves and someone you touched with caution. He was tall and lanky and reckless. But the longer Simon thought on it the more he saw that Nathan gave him just as much attention as Jillian- more even. He did his community service at Simon's side or rather watched Simon do the work while he watched. He sat at Simon's table and smoked a cigarette and sometimes drank a cola while Simon ate his neatly packed lunch. Sometimes, Nathan stole a bite or some crisps but Simon never minded...maybe it was time he thought about why it didn't bother him. After all, he didn't dislike kidding Nathan or being kissed by him. Maybe he wanted to do it again, try it for real. Maybe he didn't have to be with a nice, pretty girl after all. Maybe he could be with someone else, someone like Nathan. </p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Try Not To Sink With Me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Title from Iwan Rheon's song called Sink</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Simon had known him and slept beside him enough times to know when Nathan was having a nightmare. He'd be cold and clammy beside him on the sheets while he wriggled around twisting and turning all the while whimpering pathetically in his sleep. Simon was a light sleeper and woke up pretty quickly to the movement and the sound. He sat up groggily and leaned over Nathan. He took both his hands and firmly grabbed a hold of Nathan's biceps. "Nathan, Nathan, it's just a dream. It's just a bad dream." His tone was soft despite his voice being groggy from sleep.</p><p>Nathan had been asleep for nearly two days now and was finally starting to rouse for some reason it made Simon feel nervous. He gently shook the other boy and eventually Nathan's eyes opened only they were wide and unseeing. His hands flung out and he shoved Simon who fell back on the bed not expecting Nathan to push him. Nathan tried to get out of bed but his foot caught on the covers making him fall to the floor. He landed gracelessly and scrambled up running for the door and into the hallway. </p><p>Simon got up and quickly ran after him as he heard retching. He found Nathan across the hall in the bathroom leaning over the sink because he couldn't make it to the toilet fast enough. There was bile stuck to his chin as he gasped and retched. It looked incredibly painful from the way he was clutching his stomach and Simon didn't think there was anything he could do. He went behind Nathan and rubbed his back as soothingly as he could just like the last time Nathan had gotten sick in front of him. </p><p>It ended soon enough and Nathan sagged to the floor in exhaustion. He hadn't even tried to rinse the sink out or his mouth with water. Nathan Young was once again reduced to a pitiful exhausted mess right in front of Simon's eyes. It was becoming a pattern and he fucking hated it. He crouched down in front of Nathan and brushed his curls back off his sweaty forehead. "Are you alright?" He asked softly.</p><p>Nathan's eyes were closed as he leaned back against the bathroom cabinets, he nodded his head leaning into Simon's cool touch. Simon stared at him trying to decide what to do to make him feel better. Nathan hadn't eaten in awhile and was probably hungry and thirsty. He also hadn't had a a chance to shower the muck and the blood and the grime off of him from being kidnapped and tortured. Simon knew Nathan could go without food for a little while longer so he stood up to run the bath considering Nathan probably couldn't stand in the shower. An arm reached out and held onto the pant leg of his pajamas. "Where you goin'?" Nathan asked miserably. </p><p>"I'm still here, okay? I'm just gonna go and run you a bath." He explained and Nathan's hand slowly loosened it's grip on his pants. Simon quickly made his way over to the shower and plugged the drain. He turned on the hot water before turning back to Nathan. He sighed heavily at the sight of the other boy who was watching him through hooded eyes. One of his eyes was black and still slightly swollen. There was a band aide on his forehead just above his eyebrow. A cut was across his cheek but it was shallow and probably wouldn't scar which was good because he knew Nathan took pride in his "money-maker" as he often called his face. </p><p>He gripped the bottom of his hoodie and pulled it up and off of Nathan's spindly frame. He crouched down and took the waist band of his sweat pants and pulled them down slowly. Nathan lifted his hips so Simon could pull the pants off completely. All that was left were his black boxer briefs. </p><p>Simon stood up and gathered a clean towel and washcloth for Nathan's bath. "I'll be back." He said calmly and firmly so not to cause panic in Nathan who still didn't seem like himself. Or maybe he was being himself the self no one else was ever privy to save Simon and him. </p><p>He returned with a fresh pair of briefs, joggers, and a long sleeve shirt he never wore from his own closet. His clothes never really fit Nathan because the boy was taller and skinnier than he was but Nathan hadn't seemed to notice or mind so far. Had this been any other time, but still post-kiss, he thinks seeing Nathan in his clothes might've done something to him. </p><p>He laid the clothes on the top of the toilet and cut the bath water off. He grabbed a hold of Nathan's arms and carefully pulled him into a standing position. He changed his grip from Nathan's arms to his middle as he held him up. Nathan took the hint and bent slightly to pull his briefs down and stepped out of them. Simon guided him to the bath and helped him step into it. He settles Nathan down on the floor of the tub and loses himself because he's not sure what to do next. </p><p>Nathan sighs and sinks deep into the hot water. It soaks his bandages through and there's a pink tint to the water from the blood that had been dried on his skin. Simon stares at him, naked and unembarrassed in front of him. It's amazing, he thinks, how bashful he feels-it's a stark contrast to Nathan who's unashamed and brazen in comparison. </p><p>Nathan's body stretches out and he sags until his head is submerged in the water, his curls dripping when he returns. Simon steps forward and grabs his shampoo bottle and squirts some in Nathan's hair. He uses his hands to rub it in and massages Nathan's scalp with his finger tips. Nathan leans back against the tub and closes his eyes as Simon works the shampoo into his hair. He puts pressure on Nathan's shoulders and the other boy slides down hit hair dipping down in the water. Simon runs his hands over it to rinse as much shampoo as he can out of it. "Y've got to condition it too or....well you don't wanna see it without." Nathan mumbles and Simon reaches for the conditioner to oblige him and repeats the same process from before.</p><p>He then grabs the wash cloth and dips it in the water he grabs some soap and scrubs the cloth with it. He takes it and runs it across the skin on Nathan's chest as he leans against the back of the tub. Nathan hums in response and Simon takes it as consent to keep going. He knows Nathan is too tired and weak to wash himself and doesn't mind doing it for him. He rubs the cloth down Nathan's front and grabs his arms to wash them, he lifts them up and they're dead weight in his hands- free for him to move as he wills. It's a reminder of the trust Nathan's placed literally in his hands. He's before him naked and bare and essentially defenseless but his eyes are closed and it seems as though Nathan may as well have been relaxing as Simon's hands make their way over his body. It's a sensual thing but far from sexual. </p><p>"What do you dream about?" Simon asks because he knows that even if Nathan doesn't want to talk about something he wants to be asked about it, wants to be noticed. </p><p>"Hmm." Nathan hums as he thinks over what to say, think over if he should let Simon in. "Father Donovan." He finally says.</p><p>"Who's Father Donovan?" Simon asks though he's not naive he suspects it's another story of another person who found Nathan and used him anyway he wanted. </p><p>"And Steve too." Nathan says instead.</p><p>"Who's Steve?" Simon asks, he's scrubbing Nathan's skin a bit harder now though he doesn't mean to or even realize. </p><p>"And Father O'Brien." Nathan says. "And Mark, and Ms. Darcy, and my old coke dealer, and this college guy I used to hang around when I first started high school, and I don't know I guess Jillian now, too." </p><p>Simon's throat feels tighter as he rubs the cloth across Nathan's thighs. He doesn't ask why he dreams about all the people he's listed because he knows they've all done something horrible to him. Touched him or abused him or assaulted him or tortured him. "Do you see them all at once?" He asks instead. </p><p>"No, not usually. But sometimes, you see, I have this dream where I'm sitting in the back of a car and I'm looking out the window and I see the fields of Ireland going by out the window and everything's fine until it isn't anymore because I see the church and I look beside me and there's just this black figure sitting beside me. And I look and no one's driving the car but the doors locked and I can't even jump out. And I try to crawl to the front seat to stop the car but the figure pulls me back and I can't get a hold of the steering wheel to pull myself up but I can touch it and I just...I just wake up." He explains and it's the most serious he's ever seen Nathan be. There's no jokes, nothing funny, no comedic relief in there somewhere so Simon can't see through him all the way. It's just honest and raw. It takes Simon off guard and he wonders if it's because he called Nathan a liar the other day. </p><p>"Sometimes I feel like I'm on the rooftop and your hand is right there...i-it touches mine but it slips through my grasp and then you fall." Simon says, letting Nathan see through him too, let him see that they are more alike than different. That even if they haven't lived the same life they aren't alone anymore because they found someone to tell their bad dreams too. </p><p>Nathan leans forward and Simon rubs the cloth over his shoulders and down his back. He's silent for a bit too long and Simon would be lying if he didn't say he was staring to feel a bit uncomfortable from it. Perhaps he said something wrong or he hurt Nathan's feelings somehow. </p><p>"We should watch the second Alien movie." He finally says and for some reason it makes Simon laugh and for some reason that makes Nathan laugh too. </p><p>"Yeah, we should." He agrees and rubs the cloth softly over Nathan's forehead. Nathan is looking at him in a way Simon thinks he's never been looked at before (not from Jillian or Sally or anyone else). He feels like he could melt from the softness of the other boy's gaze and he's not sure when he's started feeling this way just from Nathan smiling at him like that. He thinks that maybe Nathan will lean in and kiss him again but he catches himself before he closes his eyes to show he wants him to because Nathan only smiles and nothing more. </p><p>The waters started to turn lukewarm and he doesn't want Nathan catching a cold so he pulls the drain stopper up and pulls Nathan up and wraps the fluffy blue towel around his shoulders. He rubs over Nathan's arms and back to warm him up before pulling the corner of the towel up and rubbing his curls with it next to dry them off too. "Can you dress yourself?" He asks and Nathan's standing up all on his own so it's a good sign. </p><p>"Yeah. I'm fine." Nathan says like a fact. He doesn't seem angry or like he's pulling away and putting a front up. He says it like he means it and Simon nods, rubbing the towel over his curls one more time. </p><p>"Come to bed when your done." He says casually like he'd said it many nights before. It makes him feel a bit giddy as he walks out the room and down stairs to the kitchen to put on the kettle and heat up some soup. <em>Come to bed. </em>He relays in his mind. Not my bed. Just bed. Like it's a shared space that belongs to Nathan as much as it does Simon. He wonders when he wanted to share a bed with Nathan but draws a blank when he tries to pin point an exact moment between them. He didn't think he'd be comfortably sharing a bed with anyone let alone someone as insolent and shameless as Nathan Young. He doesn't mean to share a bed sexually or biblically but contently and warmly and purely. </p><p>He'd always assumed you had to have sex with someone to sleep beside them because that's just what people do. It's not that he hasn't thought about sex and yeah maybe even briefly considered sex with Nathan but there's something so sweet about sharing a bed, sharing skinship with someone you genuinely care about. Someone you care about more than sex. </p><p>He turns the kettle on and gets some English tea out and sugar out. While the kettles on and waiting to boil he gets a can of soup and began to heat it on the stove for Nathan as well. The boy's been sick to his stomach already and he doesn't want to upset his stomach even further so he decided on a chicken and rice soup. He gets some crackers out and sets it on the tray he plans to take upstairs. The soup is done before the tea so he sets it in a bowl and cleans the pot out. Once the kettle whistles he turns the stove off and takes it to pour two cups of tea. He's not sure how Nathan takes his tea or if he even likes it but his aunt always made him tea when he didn't feel good so he thinks it could help Nathan too. He contemplates how Nathan might like it and decides to add two sugars in his own and three in Nathan's. The other boy probably had a sweet tooth considering how many candy bars he was always eating. He stirs the tea and sets them on the tray. </p><p>By the time he makes it upstairs Nathan is sitting criss-cross on his bed waiting patiently for him to return. "Here." Simon says, sitting the tray in front of Nathan on the bed. "I made you something to eat." He explains and turns away to find his laptop and going over to his movie shelf. He grabs a hold of <em>Aliens </em>and moves to sit beside Nathan on the bed. He places the laptop on front of them both and loads the movie. </p><p>Nathan sits and eats the soup slowly beside him, taking the movie in. Simon sits holding his mug of tea in both his hands occasionally taking sips. He steals glances at Nathan beside him who's wide eyed and intrigues. Simon brings his mug up to his lips and hides the smile on his face. He likes having things in common with the curly haired boy and he likes showing him new things too. </p><p>"Oh shit." Nathan whispers beside him as Ripley agrees to join the space marines back to the moon where the first movie took place. "Oh shit why would she do that?" </p><p>"She wants to destroy all of the aliens." Simon explains. "She doesn't want anyone to go through what she went through." </p><p>"But..." Nathan sucks in a dramatic breath-"you said there's 4 movies...that means..." he's giving Simon a look as though he's been scandalized. "Oh shit!" He repeats louder this time, his attention turning back to the movie. Simon struggles to keep from laughing at his reaction. </p><p>At some point Nathan had finished his soup and tea and set the tray on Simon's desk and out of the way so he could stretch out more. </p><p>Then as Ripley and the space marines enter the building that the colonist boarded up and find many of the colonist attached to the walls serving as incubators for alien offspring Nathan grabs a hold of his arm. "Fuck, Barry, this looks like it might be a scary!" His voice goes up and turns into a scream as a baby alien bursts from one of the colonizer's chest. "FUCK!" He screams, squeezing Simon's bicep as Simon lets out a laugh.</p><p>The movie gradually becomes more and more intense and Nathan is practically hiding behind Simon when it ends. "That traitorous son of a bitch." He says, his hands moving animatedly as he talks. "He knew the aliens were there the whole time and had them investigate on purpose. On purpose, Barry!" Simon is laughing again not at Nathan, not really, more with him and because he enjoys him like this. </p><p>"I know what a dick, right?" He replies using a curse word because he knows it will make Nathan smile- and it totally works.</p><p>"Yeah, Barry, total dick move." Nathan agrees, grinning at him widely. </p><p>Simon knows Nathan knows his real name and has probably the whole time and is no longer annoyed by it. It feels like a private thing between just the two of them and it's like a cute nickname of sorts that only Nathan uses. It makes him grin back. "I'm glad you liked it." He says sincerely. </p><p>"Yeah, I did like it." Nathan admits softly and it feels like another moment between the two of them. They're sitting close and staring at each other intently as the end credits play on the laptop screen. It feels like another opportunity for something to transpire but it turns into yet another moment passed when Nathan breaks the silence. "Now we've definitely got to watch the other two." He says, his face moving back and out of Simon's personal space. Simon nods numbly in reply. Nathan must sense something in him because he nudges Simon's leg with his foot as he lays back on the bed staring up on the ceiling. "Thanks, man." He says out of nowhere. Simon gives him a confused look and Nathan can't see it but his silence must speak volumes. "For taking care of me...you didn't have to." He finishes awkwardly, not used to being humbled enough to say thanks to other people. </p><p>"I know." Simon says, finally speaking up. "I wanted to." He adds earnestly.</p><p>Nathan stays quiet for too long and Simon turns to stare down at him. His arms are crossed over his chest, protecting him from the outside world, and his stare is blank as he transfixes on the ceiling. He's thinking intently despite giving off the air of boredom. Simon knows he's trying to keep his guard up most likely from him and the safety of what Simon can mean. Being in Simon's room is like being on a deserted island away from the rest of the world, Simon can feel it too. It's a bubble of just them and there's no one there to hurt them save for each other. He knows Nathan's thinking if it's worth it or not, if he should stay in the bubble or run like hell. It's a war in his mind and Simon's hoping he chooses him. </p><p>"Do you have any music?" Nathan finally asks and he's being brave probably braver than he's ever been because he's putting himself out there. Maybe not all the way but he's trying and Simon knows how much rejection he's had to face in his life and he's worried Simon might add to it or worse not reject him and hurt him further down the line. </p><p>"Yeah, plenty." Simon says and goes to load a playlist he's not exactly legally acquired. <em>Crying Lightening </em>by Arctic Monkeys begins to fill the room. Nathan begins to bob his head along to the music, welcoming the distraction. </p><p><strong>Outside the cafe by the cracker factory y</strong> <strong>ou were practicing a magic trick. </strong> <strong>And my thoughts got rude, as you talked and chewed o</strong> <strong>n the last of your pick and mix</strong></p><p>"Hey! Pick n mix!" Nathan exclaimed with laughter in his voice. </p><p>"Be honest did you really get arrested for eating pick n mix?" Simon hears himself ask and he sounds amused. </p><p>"Yeah somethin' like that." Nathan replies over the music. "Yeah, I did steal it but it was mostly from pissing off Beverly the guy who manages the bowling alley. Partly from my mum being a deadbeat who doesn't answer her phone for me. Then partly because my father actually did show up. Like I'd take his help anyway." </p><p>"So that's who Beverly is." Simon says out loud piecing the puzzle together.  </p><p>"Yes, Beverly, what an annoying little cunt. I'm glad I stapled him after all. Thought I might regret it later but after the daddy issue remarks....he deserved it." Nathan sits up and shakes his head. "I mean that guy was just the absolute worst!"</p><p>"Worse than any of our probation officers?" Simon asks teasingly. </p><p>"Unclear, I'll get back to you on that. I mean Tony did try to kill us, Sally tried to seduce you, and well Shaun really doesn't give a shit." He contemplates. </p><p>"But she didn't....seduce me I mean." Simon clarifies and they both know why. </p><p>Nathan just rolls his eyes and shrugs his shoulders. "It wouldn't matter anyway." He says as casually as he can. "Besides you killed the bitch and unlike me she won't be coming back." </p><p>"Yeah, unlike you." Simon agrees but he's speaking softer, more enunciated, more purposeful. "What if...what if one day you don't come back." He means it has a question but doesn't say it as one. He's thought about it he just wants to know if Nathan has too. </p><p>Nathan doesn't respond right away and it makes Simon's hair stand at the back of his neck. Nathan isn't one to sit and contemplate thing before saying them unless it's something he doesn't want others to know and he's carefully choosing his words. "Then I don't come back. Nothing gold can stay er whatever that Frost guy said." </p><p>Simon wants to ask if he wants to stay or if he sees himself as gold but he's almost certain it's information Nathan isn't ready to share. This, he thinks, is the war of his mind. He feels like he'll spend the rest of his life fighting to understand what Nathan really means, really thinks, really feels. It's not such a bad life, he thinks as well. "I suppose that's true for all of us." He relents, not questioning further. </p><p>"Yeah, all of us." Nathan echos as the song changes to one he's never heard before but he thinks its by The Cure. Of course Simon was into that dark alternative shit. He yawns and tries to stifle it with his hand. </p><p>"You're tired. I'll let you get some more rest you still need to heal." Simon reaches for the laptop to turn the music off. </p><p>"No, leave it on. I wanna hear what kind of music you like anyway." He says crawling up the bed to lay with his head on the pillow. Simon stares at him trying to figure out what he should do next. He gets up to leave to collect the dishes and rinse them in the sink. "Don't." Nathan says and it's all it takes for Simon to lay beside him. Simon's not tired, he rarely is but after all he's done wrong to Nathan he can manage to lay beside him. </p><p>Nathan is bold and presses his back against Simon's front so the other boy, should he put his arms around him would be spooning him. </p><p>Simon can’t help it he hesitates for a moment but ultimately gives in and takes Nathan in his arms. Nathan sinks into him and with an impish smile turns over so he’s facing Simon who may not have wrapped his arms around him had he know they’d be so close, face to face. He takes a hand and places it on Simon’s on his waist to keep it there. <em>Don’t let me</em> <em>go</em>, he says with his eyes<em>. We don’t have talk about it so just hold me tonight</em>, he says with his smile.</p><p>Simon finds himself relenting as he has been the past few weeks when it comes to doing what Nathan wants him to. Nathan’s staring at him through long girlish lashes and hazel eyes. It’s dark in his room save for the lamp light from his desk and his laptop screen. He knows they won’t talk about this later or what it means or could mean. He knows that with Nathan but he goes along with it anyway, despite it really. He knows Nathan’s going through a hard time and needs a friend maybe more even. He doesn’t have a family to turn to nor friends beside him, Kelly, and sometimes Alisha and Curtis. His brother, whom he’d barely known, was dead. He’s never heard Nathan mention anyone he’s been friends with or went out with by name. He doesn’t think those people were very reliable or more than a shag to Nathan because he’s always detached even when pretending to brag about them and the “wicked parties” they’d been to. </p><p>Nathan isn’t like them, not really, he’s sensitive and has walls he’s built around himself to protect him from everyone he meets. He expects the worse in people because it’s all they’ve ever given him. Simon doesn’t agree with how rude and disgusting Nathan can be but he understands and that’s enough...at least enough to cuddle him to sleep and be kissed by him. </p><p>It’s more than enough to him when Nathan’s grip loosens and his arms go slack. His lips parted slightly in sleep. His face is young, boyish, peaceful. He feels safe with Simon and the fact that he doesn’t wake from a nightmare speaks volumes though Simon isn’t exactly sure what it’s saying.</p><p> However far Nathan wants to take this (whatever it is that’s happening between them) Simon will go along with it because as hard as it is for him to admit a part of them, the selfish romantic part, likes it too. He likes being held and holding Nathan. He wants to keep it up as long as he can so he won’t talk about it and he won’t bring it up for as long as he can hold himself back. He knows eventually it will eat away at him and his resolve will crumble and he’ll ask <em>what do I mean to you? What are we? </em>But it’s not chipping away at him too much, not on this night, and not yet so he’ll hold back. He won’t ask, he won’t scare Nathan away, and he won’t force him into answering him. </p><p>He just wants to hold onto this a little longer, hold onto Nathan a little longer. Yeah, he thinks as he memorizes the curves and features of Nathan’s face, this is enough. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Could We Come Close To Having It All?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">When the group made it to the locker room Nathan was inside staring at his phone, having a smoke, and bouncing his leg up and down. He was already in his jumpsuit waiting impatiently. “What the hell took you guys so long?” He asks immediately. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“We’re right on time.” Simon says immediately because they are. He’s hardly ever late, being late gives him anxiety and he hates added anxiety. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“Whatever, Barry.” Nathan says curtly but doesn’t look up from his cell phone. It hasn’t rung or vibrated at all. There hasn’t been a text tone. Nothing. Simon doesn’t know what he’s doing or who he’s expecting to hear from. But he’s barely paying any mind to Simon or the others. Whatever he’s waiting on must be important. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“Nath what’s going on?” Kelly asks him and his head snaps up to look at her. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“No. Stay out of my head.” He says pointing a finger at her accusingly with the hand that has a cigarette in it. His voice is hard and serious and Kelly puts her hands up in surrender. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“Fine but stop worrying so loudly.” She shoots back but like always there’s no bite behind it. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">Worrying? Why was Nathan worrying? Simon wonders. He opens his mouth to ask but Nathan is standing up and heading towards the door. “Hurry up I don’t want to be here all day.” He says and leaves without another word.Nathan has never been in a hurry to get to work on community service (or work in general) and Simon finds it confusing. He does as Nathan asks and hurriedly gets changed as does Kelly. Alisha and Curtis are a bit slower but follow close behind so Shaun can brief them on what they have to do. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">Today they’re meant to be going to a nearby Catholic Church and doing yard work in the cold. Simon stares at Nathan as Shaun tells them they’ll go to the Catholic Church because he knows his history and trauma with churches. Nathan doesn’t react, his hand in his pocket on his phone as if he’s waiting for it to go off. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">Shaun tells them to fuck off and hands them hard tools to use. He gives Nathan a rake, Alisha a bucket to collect leaves, Curtis gets a pair of gloves to pull weeds, Simon gets a shovel, and Kelly gets a watering can. Wordlessly and without prompt Simon and Nathan switch tools. The rakes remind them both of the spiked fence that went through Nathan’s body and Simon can carry the reminder without feeling the physical pain from it. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">They walk two blocks to the church by themselves because of course Shaun doesn’t want to supervise them. When they get there there’s a priest outside waiting to instruct t them on what the Nun’s want to do to the landscape outside the church. They want a new flower bed and the old one to be weeded out and watered. They also want to have the leaves from the autumn trees raked up and placed in the dumpster out back. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">Nathan surprises the whole group by immediately getting to work. He takes the shovel and starts to dig holes where the new flower garden is meant to be. He keeps looking up at the priest as if he doesn’t trust him or is worried he’ll do something. Simon knows he’s doing this and why because he knows Nathan’s history with priest. Kelly must hear his thoughts because stands between them creating a barrier with her body as she collects water from the hose into her watering can. Simon stays close by as long as he can as he rakes up nearby leaves but the priest instructs him to keep moving out in the yard and he reluctantly does so. He looks up every now and again at Nathan who’s still taking breaks every few minutes to stare at his cell phone and glance up at the priest. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">It’s tedious work but with it being late October it’s not warm out at all. None of them are sweating as they work and it’s a small blessing. Eventually Nathan’s phone rings and despite having expecting it to go off he fumbles for it I’m his pocket and quickly answers. “‘Ello!” He answers quickly. “How are ya?” Something in Nathan’s face changes and so does the language he’s speaking as the person on the phone responds. “Tá sin go maith, mamaí.”There’s a pause as the other person on the line speaks. “Sea, fanfaidh mé as do shlí. Níl, ní thiocfaidh mé abhaile.” Simon listens intently trying to understand what Nathan is saying and why he’s suddenly switched to speaking Irish. He didn’t even know that Nathan could speak Irish. His face, Simon observes, is stone cold but his eyes appear to be watering. “Goodbye.” He says curtly and finally, closing his phone abruptly to end the call. “Son of a bitch!” He yells out of nowhere and goes to slam his phone on the ground but thinks better of it and shoves it in his pocket angrily. He’s huffing and throws his shovel to the ground instead. “Fucking cunt!” He yells this time instead. His cheeks are flushed with anger but his watery eyes betray him and Simon knows he’s actually just upset. Everyone’s stopped working on the garden and are staring at him. Even the priest is staring-more like glaring at him from the curses he used. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“Nathan.” Kelly says hesitantly. “We can do something.” She adds quickly and goes to put a hand on his shoulder. She’s reading his mind and Simon finds himself green with envy because she’s privy to his private thoughts he wouldn’t otherwise share. “Why didn’t you say anything?” She asks and Nathan’s looking at her intently. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“What difference does it make?” He says and he sounds defeated. Everyone’s concerned now even Curtis. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“What wouldn’t make a difference?” Curtis asks taking a step toward them.</span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“I’m gonna have a smoke.” Nathan says and stalks off lighting a cigarette to angrily smoke behind the church. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“Give him a minute.” Simon says to Curtis because he thinks it’s what Nathan needs right now even though he doesn’t know why. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">Kelly let’s out a deep exhale. “Fookin’ hell.” She hisses and smooths her hair back toward her ponytail in stress. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“What?” Simon asks his eyes moving from the spot Nathan used to be to Kelly. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“Who called?” Curtis asked more curious than concerned. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">Kelly’s lips were pressed into a thin hard line and shook her head like she didn’t want to say. She makes eye contact with Simon and sighs. She sees how worried he is and his anxiety spiking. Simon feels like his heart is thumping wildly in his chest. He wants to pat his hair down on impulse but resists the urge to. He’s searching her face for an answer but her expression doesn’t give one away.</span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“It was his mum.” She finally says, crossing her arms over her chest. “We should go out tonight. All of us.” She says trying to regroup. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“Why?” Alisha asks. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“Because it’s Nathan’s-“ Kelly starts. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“Shut up!” Nathan calls out from the side of the church, walking back to the group. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“Nathan c’mon!” She’s practically whining back at him. Simon’s following them with his gaze trying to figure out what piece of the puzzle he’s missed. Or what important detail of Nathan’s life he has not been allowed to know. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“Nathan.” Simon says but isn’t sure how to follow it up. He doesn’t know what’s going on or what Nathan’s mum said on the phone to upset him. He doesn’t have a grasp on the situation at all so he just stares at Nathan. The boy is tall but he doesn’t look it at all. He seems small and shrunken in on himself. His arms are wrapped around his middle creating a barrier between him and everyone around him. His jaw his clenched and his eyes have dark circles and are slightly red and swollen like he’s cried or had an overwhelming urge to and just swallowed it down. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“Leave it alone.” He says to both him and Kelly. He doesn’t want to explain himself or let them in. He doesn’t want Kelly to tell everyone what she’s learned. Simon really wants Nathan to want to talk to him and want to tell him things about his life. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“Why didn’t you say anything?” Kelly repeats sternly, not backing down. “You should’ve. We would’ve done something and you wouldn’t feel like this.” </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">Feel like that? Simon wonders to himself trying to figure out what’s going on. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“Kelly-“ he starts his voice dropping a level and having a hard edge to it-“it doesn’t even matter. It’s stupid.” </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“It’s not stupid to want your mum to remember your birthday.” Kelly says softly, reassuringly it’s supposed to be comforting but it makes Simon’s heart plummet into his stomach. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">Guilt fills him up and he can taste bile in the back of his throat. His hand comes up and smooths his hair on instinct. Simon’s almost certain his complexions gone deathly pale and his cheeks flushed in shame. He feels like a failure that’s forgotten a wedding anniversary. Or a man that’s forgotten to get his lover roses on Valentine’s Day. There’s shame and guilt and embarrassment even though there’s no way he could’ve known it was Nathan’s birthday. He could’ve asked, he reminds himself and he wants to kick his own ass. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“It’s your birthday?” He hears himself ask and his voice breaks somewhere in the middle. Nathan looks up at him and shrugs. He opens his mouth to say something snarky but closes it before any words can come out. He wants to think that it’s because he knows Simon really cares about him and wanted would’ve treated his birthday as a special occasion. Or at least that Nathan didn’t want to be mean to him like he is to everyone else. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“Yeah, it’s my birthday.” Nathan finally says lamely and fishes in his pocket for another cigarette. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“Well, son,” the priest says going down the steps of the church and making his way to Nathan. He places a hand on the curly boy’s shoulder and Nathan doesn’t flinch but he does twitch a bit from the touch. Simon would’ve expected him to rip away from the priest and scream profanities at him but he doesn’t and for some reason this is even more troubling. He barely moves and in fact makes eye contact with the priest. He doesn’t defy him but stares at him warily. He looks as though he’d easily submit if this man did in fact want to attack him. There’s no fight in his body like Simon’s used to seeing and it makes him scowl in disgust, not at Nathan but at such a conditioned response to submit to someone who looks and speaks like a previous attacker. Simon crosses the distance and places his hand on Nathan’s wrist to pull him away from the other man’s grasp. Sure, it’s not subtle but it doesn’t come off as offensive either. “Why don’t you kids take off earlier. I’ll call your probation supervisor and let him know it’s alright by me.” Nathan looks down at Simon’s hand on his wrist and pulls it from his grasp. Simon’s feelings are hurt just for a moment but is placated by Nathan taking a step back and closer to him. They stand side by side, arms touching with Simon just barely in front of him putting a barrier between him and the other man.</span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“Yeah?” Kelly asks sounding delighted by his kind offer. “You wouldn’t mind?” </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“No! Of course not. This lad should enjoy his birthday. Go have a pint at the pub, I insist!” The priest says smiling at the group. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">The others don’t have to be told twice and begin to quickly gather their supplies and head back to the community center to change. Nathan drags his feet but follows them. He didn’t pick up his shovel Simon did. Nathan moves on autopilot with a scowl on his face like he didn’t want the others to know it was his birthday nor was he happy that the priest was doing them a favor. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">Kelly, Alisha, and Curtis are all discussing on where they should go for drinks and finally decide on a bar that isn’t too crowded but has a good scene and decent alternative music and rock music. It’s the kind Simon and Nathan both like and they think it’ll improve both their moods though they don’t say that’s the reason. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">Simon’s not sure if he wants a moment alone with Nathan or to be far away from him. He feels betrayed as much as he feels guilty for not knowing it was his birthday. He’s pissed Nathan didn’t tell him because it makes him feel like the bad guy. He hates himself even more for not being able to say anything to Nathan now. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">They walk side by side in silence as they make it back to the community center. Shaun sees them but says nothing on his way out. If they aren’t gonna do community service then he won’t do his job either. They get to the locker rooms and change quickly excited to be able to leave early and go out for drinks. Curtis, Alisha, and Kelly move to leave first and each give Simon an encouraging smile like they know what he should do even though he doesn’t. “We’ll be right outside.” Curtis says and pats Simon on the arm companionably before they all walk out. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">Simon immediately starts wringing his hands in nervousness. He stands there staring at the floor trying to find the right words to say. “What did your mum say?” He asks. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“Not much. Just not to come home.” Nathan says and Simon knows he’s shrugging without having to look up at him. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“Why?” </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“Dunno her boyfriend doesn’t want me there I guess. Or she doesn’t. Probably both.” He answers truthfully, he’s been doing that a lot lately with Simon. It makes him blush. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“You should’ve told me. I want to know things like that.” He says. “I want to spend time with you.” When Nathan doesn’t say anything Simon finally looks up at him. Nathan’s standing with his arms crossed and biting his bottom lip. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“You know now.” He finally says and Simon nods. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“Alright.” Simon says because it is what it is. “Let’s go.” He takes a hold of the curly haired boys wrist and uncrosses his arm to lead him out the locker room. They make their way to the bar together and though it’s still early it’s pretty packed. Nathan lights a cigarette and pulls his hand away from Simon’s it’s nothing personal though it’s more out of anxious habit and Simon knows that. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">They get a booth in the back and Kelly and Curtis make their way to the bar to get drinks for everyone. Nathan sits beside Simon on the edge of the booth but doesn’t keep much distance between them. It reminds him of the Jillian situation where Nathan had wanted him to stay away from her. He places his body between Simon and the room to keep him private and all to himself. At least that’s what Simon would like to believe. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">Nathan takes the beer Kelly offers him and downs it in one go. Curtis quirks an eye at Simon and he shrugs in return. It’s up to Nathan what he does and Simon won’t bring up his self destructive tendencies not when he’s had a shitty birthday so far. “Buy you a drink?” He asks Nathan who grins at him and nods. Simon goes to stand up and Nathan scoots back in the seat so he’s got to press up against him to get out the booth. He gives a lasting look at the other boy before heading up to the bar. He gets an over priced mixed drink for Nathan and a beer for himself. He wants to take it slow as being drunk has never ended well for him and he feels like someone needs to be soberish and responsible especially for Nathan who usually dies at places like this. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">By the time he makes his way back to the booth Nathan is talking to the others and laughing. It feels like a heavy weight has been lifted off of his shoulders. Nathan seems to be okay now maybe not great but okay. He seems lighter and happier and he wants Nathan to have a good birthday. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“Here, Nath.” Simon says over the music and sets the drink down in front of Nathan and moves to get in front of him to slide into the booth. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“Barry, wait!” Nathan exclaims and takes a hold of his wrist. When Simon looks back at him he’s smiling widely and impishly. “This is my song!” He shouts like an excited party girl. The guitar rifts are something Simon thinks he recognizes but he isn’t sure. It doesn’t matter because Nathan is busy dragging him towards the dance floor where there aren’t very many people dancing at all. Simon’s face is bright red at the realization that Nathan wants him to dance too. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“Nathan, I don’t dance-“ </span>
</p><p class="p2"><span class="s3">“I’m not saying it was your fault although you could’ve done more. Oh, you’re so naive you’re so.” </span> <span class="s2">Nathan sings over whatever it was Simon wanted to argue about. He takes a hold of Simon’s hand in his own and swings them back in forth in a dance motion. “That’s too bad, Barry, cause it looks like ya already are.” Nathan takes a hand to Simon’s face and pats his cheek. </span> <span class="s3">“How could this be done by such a smiling sweetheart? Oh, and your sweet and pretty face. In such a ugly world something so beautiful. And oh every time I look inside-“</span> <span class="s2">Kelly, Curtis, and Alisha have made their way to the dance floor and are dancing around wildly and unashamed. Simon hates that he’s embarrassed of doing things like this especially since he knows Nathan likes to dance and be the center of attention. Simon’s always wanted to shy away from any attention, unwanted or otherwise. But when he looks at Nathan who’s cheeks are flushed from the heat of dancing and the alcohol and his smile is wide and happy around his singing. The crinkles by his eyes are there and he knows he genuinely enjoying himself... Simon doesn’t want to ruin this. He wants to make Nathan happy and keep him happy. Simon takes a deep breath. </span> <span class="s3">“I know that she knows that I’m not fond of asking. True or false, it may be she’s still out to get me!” </span> <span class="s2">Simon sings out beside Nathan who only starts laughing and singing too. It’s not at Simon but with him, it’s a distinction he’s become a master at making. He likes laughing with people especially when people are Nathan. </span></p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">They continue to sing and bounce around for the remainder of the song. Soon Simon’s embarrassment disappears and turns into enjoyment. He’s not drunk, not even close, but he feels giddy from just being here and relaxing into the moment. All of his friends are here and they are having fun with him here. It’s something that he can’t remember happening since grade school before everything changed. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">They take a break to stop dancing and go back to drinking. Curtis gets everyone a round of shots and when Simon looks like he wants to politely decline his shot but doesn’t know how because he doesn’t want to upset Curtis Nathan grabs it and downs it in one go. He grins up at Simon. “Nathan, what the fuck? That was meant to be Simon’s.” Curtis argues with a shake of his head but he’s not super surprised. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">Nathan just grins up at Simon then shoots his smile to Curtis and shrugs his shoulders. “Sorry, I’m the birthday boy ‘ere not Simon.” He says and picks up a beer to finish off. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“I’m gonna go get him some water.” Simon tells Curtis and goes to walk to the bar. It’s taking awhile because more people have come in and the bar tenders are busy. He must take too long for impatient Nathan because the other boy stumbles slightly over to him at the bar. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“What’re ya doin’?” Nathan asks he’s not slurring his words but his accents a bit thicker which lets Simon knows he’s feeling the effects of the alcohol. Nathan’s tolerance is high some would even call him a high functioning druggie and alcoholic...Simon wouldn’t of course especially after the Jillian incident. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“Getting you some water.” He answers sounding more exasperated than he is. Nathan must recognizes this because he wraps his armcarelessly around Simon’s shoulder and pulls him in close. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“I don’t need water. Yet.” He argues, putting his head on Simon’s shoulder. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“Well, I’ll get it anyway for when you do.” Simon lifts his hand up and pats Nathan’s arm gently like he’s patting a baby to sleep. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“Nathan? Nathan Young is that you?” A male voice says. “Oh my stars, Nathan it is you!” Nathan jumps very slightly from the use of his name, so slightly that if Simon’s body wasn’t pressed to his he wouldn’t have felt it. Nathan and Simon break apart and both turn to look at the voice. It’s a tall older man with broad shoulders and muscled arms. He’s in his thirties with slicked back blonde hair and a 5 o’clock shadow. He’s wearing slacks and a dress shirt with his tie slightly undone. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“Gregory.” Nathan says, it’s short and curt and it makes Simon’s eyebrow raise in question. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“How are you?” The man, Gregory, asks. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“I’m doin’ fantastic! What are you doin’ ‘ere? Pickin’ up disadvantaged youths?” Nathan’s voice is friendly enough but there’s a darker edge to it that one can only pick up if they knew him well enough. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“Perhaps. Might not have to now that you’re here, though.” Gregory says with a flirtatious smile. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“Nah, man. I’m here with someone.” Nathan says and gestures to Simon. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“Him?” The guy asks as if it’s incomprehensible. “He looks like a total square.” </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“Maybe he is. Maybe he isn’t. You don’t want to find out, Greg.” Nathan says still friendly but it’s clear he means it as a threat. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“Whatever. You’ll call me soon enough anyway. You can’t resist we both know that.” Gregory takes a step forward and raises a hand to Nathan’s cheek he pays it although much harder than necessary. It won’t leave a mark but it makes Nathan blink and flinch slightly. The man leans in even closer to speak in his ear. “Oh, and happy birthday, love.” He says and slips a 50 note into Nathan’s back pocket. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“Piss off, Armstrong!” Nathan says and gives him a push but keeps the note. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">Gregory puts his hands up in mock surrender and backs up and leaves to the other end of the bar. “Feckin’ dick.” Nathan hisses under his breath. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">Simon stares at Nathan and blinks. He doesn’t know what else to do. He doesn’t quite understand what’s just transpired right in front of him. “Who was that?” He finally asks. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">Nathan is staring back at him with a slight pout, he’s crossed his arms over his chest and is biting on his lip. Eventually after staring at each other for much longer than necessary Nathan sighs and looks away. “Let’s go outside.” He says and makes eye contact with Simon again. Simon can see something in his eyes he’s never seen before...vulnerability it’s real and raw and breathtaking. Nathan isn’t someone to let his negative emotions be on display. He hates feeling or being exposed. Simon nods and follows him out the bar. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">They stand against the brick wall outside with Nathan contemplating what to say and Simon feeling increasingly nervous. He’s not sure why but he feels as if Nathan’s gonna confess some horrible sin like he’s cheated on him which is ridiculous because they aren’t even together. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“So, Gregory is someone I’ve known kinda on and off for years.” He starts to explain slowly and carefully like he doesn’t want to say the wrong thing. “My mum was always sick of me and her boyfriends sucked so I would disappear sometimes as a teenager and I didn’t have any money or food or a place to stay and Gregory took me in.” Simon’s heart drops to his stomach and his face must pale in reaction. “It’s not like that!” Nathan adds quickly. “It’s not what you’re thinking. It wasn’t anything against my will or nothin’. It’s like...‘Ave you ever heard of a sugar baby?” Simon shakes his head, speechless. “Well it’s where an older person takes care of a younger prettier person because they can. They have the money and it makes them feel good to. It was like that. Y’know I was arm candy and a quick fuck and that was it. I swear!” </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">That’s it? Simon thinks bitterly. They just lived together sometimes and fucked sometimes and went on dates sometimes while Nathan was underage. Simon felt ill. “Nathan that’s not just anything!” He argues because he doesn’t understand how Nathan can’t see how he doesn’t deserve to have these things happen to him. He can’t comprehend how Nathan doesn’t know that he deserves better. “That’s paedophilia! He was molesting you!” </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“He wasn’t! He gave me a place to stay when I needed it. He gave me money to take care of myself. He took me to the hospital when I ODed! And not just left me at the ambulance enterence like my friends did he took me inside!” Nathan yells back. </span>
</p><p class="p2"><span class="s2">“That’s not love!” Simon shouts full force with his cheats heaving. He grabs ahold of Nathan’s shoulders and shakes him. “That is not love.” He says softer this time, enunciating so his words hold weight. </span> <span class="s4">This is love, </span> <span class="s2">he thinks but doesn’t say. It hangs in the air anyway. Their eyes lock on one another and Nathan’s breathing heavier than normal. </span></p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“I know that. Don’t you think I know that?” He’s not yelling anymore and his body sags against the wall under the weight of the world. “I know.” He repeats in a whisper. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">Simon visibly takes a step back. In his mind, in the version of Nathan he’s created from memories and things he’s been told, he was a vulnerable child taken advantage of that grew into an adult that didn’t realize the extent of the manipulation he’s endured. He never thought for a moment that Nathan knew what was happening and maybe not wanted it but accepted it and allowed it for the advantages or came with. He shouldn’t be surprised but he is and it feels like a punch in the gut. He takes another step back. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">“Simon.” Nathan says his voice deep but cracking. “No, Simon.” He reaches out but Simon turns his body to the side to deflect his touch. “Stop.” He says with a low warning tone. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">Simon doesn’t know what he needs whether it’s space or to end things with Nathan all together. He doesn’t blame him and he doesn’t think any of it is his fault but he’s never encountered someone like Nathan before. He thought they had things in common that they were becoming one in the same. He feels miles apart from Nathan now and it makes him feel cold and alone. He shakes his head in reply. “Simon don’t!” Nathan raises his voice slightly and reaches out again. Maybe it’s because of how desperate Nathan is or maybe it’s because he doesn’t actually know what he wants but he lets Nathan take a hold of him. Nathan quickly wraps his arms around Simon and pulls him into a tight and frantic embrace. He’s putting himself out there again, Simon recognizes, he’s taking ahold of Simon and letting him know that he absolutely does not want to let go. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">Simon’s arms go up to wrap around him but he still doesn’t feel warm. Nathan’s squeezing the skin on his shoulder thought before wrapping his arms around Simon’s neck. Simon reaches up and pats Nathan’s hair. He can hear the other boy sniffling but he’s not crying he’s fighting the feeling off. Simon steps back slightly and presses his lips to Nathan’s cheek. He leaves his lips pressed against Nathan’s cheek longer than he should and he knows that. He doesn’t want to be toying with Nathan’s emotions he just doesn’t know if this is something he can go through with anymore. He needs time. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s2">Simon pulls away from Nathan. “I’m sorry.” He says wearily. “I’m sorry and I’ll call you.” He knows he shouldn’t go because it’s still Nathan’s birthday but that man is still inside and Nathan’s got this fucked up idea that this guy is a friend of sorts and not a predator. He needs to take a step back is all. He grabs Nathan’s hand and holds it in his own for a moment. “Happy birthday, Nathan.” He says sincerely and turns to walk away because he can’t stand to see the look of detestation on Nathan’s face any longer. He’ll make it up to him another time but right now he’s anxious and overwhelmed and needs to take a step back. Nathan will understand. He knows Simon’s a big ball of stress and easily loses himself in his own head. He’ll forgive him. He has to. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hi lovelies I hope you enjoy this chapter. Please feel free to leave a comment I love reading them and live for them they keep me going. </p><p>Song that played at the bar is Naive by The Kooks and the title comes from the song Hold Me While You Wait by Lewis Capaldi because that song makes me think of them especially this chapter so give it a listen </p><p>Also Nathan is definitely a Scorpio you can’t change my mind</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. You're Mad Thinking You Could Ever Save Me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Nathan's a mess and as always Simon's there to pick up the pieces. Nathan realizes how much he's pushing his luck with Simon and wants to do better. </p><p>Title from the song A Change of Heart by The 1975 because I was writing this listening to that song and yeah lol</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Their fight or whatever it was happened that Friday night. It's Monday and Simon's nervous since he hadn't actually called Nathan like he'd promised he would. The whole way to the community center his anxiety was sky high he had been racking his brain all weekend on what to say to him and came up blank. He felt like shit about it and eventually went out and got him some birthday presents. The first thing he got was the album Antidotes by the Foals. He's not sure Nathan's ever heard of the Foals because it is their debut album but when he downloaded it not so legally and some of the songs reminded him of the curly haired boy he decided to buy him a copy. He also got him a gift card for the nearest corner store so he could get food or drink when he needed to. He'd even written him a card. The last thing he'd gotten him was a jacket. It's not a super nice one nor expensive but it was nice and warm. It was a vintage looking brown corduroy jacket lined with white Sherpa. He got it because it looked cool and very Nathan plus with it being late October the little black jacket he had was too thin to keep him warm. </p><p>When he got to the community center it seemed no one was there so he went inside he wasn't surprised that Nathan wasn't smoking on the bench outside. He was mad at Simon and there was no reason for him to be waiting for him. He was holding the little blue gift bag in his hand as he made his way to the locker room. But Nathan wasn't in here either. He left the locker room and went to where Nathan's mattress was and he wasn't there either but his black jacket was. Where would Nathan go in this weather without his jacket? </p><p>Relax Simon, he told himself. There's no reason to panic yet. He could've just gone for a walk and will be back soon. Maybe he ran out of smokes and had to pop down to the shops? He takes a deep breath and goes back to the locker room to change. Curtis is there when he arrives. "Hey, Curtis, have you seen Nathan?" He asks immediately. </p><p>Curtis gives him a look like he's been asked the most absurd question in the world. "No, why?" </p><p>"He's not here and I haven't seen him since the bar on Friday so I'm just a little...a little worried." He answers.</p><p>"You haven't?" Curtis asks and suddenly there's a tad bit of concern in his voice it makes Simon's heart race.</p><p>"No...why?" He asks. </p><p>"Oh, mate." Curtis says with sympathy in his voice. "That's not good." </p><p>"Why? D-did something happen?" He feels his anxiety rise and his heart race against his chest. </p><p>"You think?" Curtis asks sarcastically but then cringes at himself. He doesn't mean to be rude when he knows Simon's actually worried. "Listen I don't know what happened between you guys and it's really not any of my business. I mean, hey, if Nathan was my boyfriend I'd imagine we'd get into fights all the time so I get it. I really do, mate." Simon is staring at him with narrowed eyes and crossed arms impatiently waiting for him to continue. "Nathan got fucked up Friday night. He wouldn't listen to any of us not even Kelly. When I say fucked up I don't mean like white girl wasted I mean he couldn't even speak. Kelly tried to take him home but he said he was gonna call you and ended up leaving with some guy that said he knew him." </p><p>"WHAT?" Simon actually yells this time. "AND YOU JUST LET HIM GO?" His body is physically shaking with anger and fear and god knows what else. "How do you even know that guy knows him?" </p><p>"What are you talking about he talked to both of you at the bar that night. Thought he was y'know one of you guys..." A gay man.</p><p>"Fuck!" Simon yells and actually punches the locker. Kelly and Alisha enter the locker room right at this time. He turns on them and directs his anger there. "What the actual fuck is wrong with you guys? Why would you leave Nathan like that?" He curses at them. </p><p>"You left him too!" Alisha accuses on principle because she is always on defense. She's got no idea what Simon's having a fit about and doesn't care she's tired of always being blamed for everything. </p><p>"Wot are you talkin' 'bout?" Kelly asks, her eyebrows drawing together in confusion. </p><p>"You let Nathan leave the bar with a fuckin' paedophile!" He yells.</p><p>"Umm Nathan's an adult." Alisha deadpans like it's obvious. </p><p>"Yeah, well, he wasn't when he was 15 was he?" Simon asks bitterly and Kelly takes a step back because she's never seen him so scary before. </p><p>"Simon, we didn't know. Even I didn't know." Kelly says even though she knows it won't placate him. "I don't think he would...I didn't hear any bad thoughts." She struggles to explain. "If I did I'd of never let him go."</p><p>He looks at her in bewilderment. He looks like a wild animal wild and wired and ready to kill to protect it's young. He points a finger at her accusingly. "If anything happens to him-" He starts but Shaun comes in and interrupts. </p><p>"Hurry up, assholes. You've got work to do." He says and slams the door to the locker room on the way out. Simon shakes his head at them and angrily changes his clothes, holding his phone to his ear as he tries to call Nathan. It goes straight to voicemail. He slams his locker shut and angrily storms out of the room. </p><hr/><p>By Tuesday he's really worried, like constant headache bit his lip up worried. He can't remember feeling more anxious than he feels now, not even when he thought he was going to jail for arson. It's weird because he's not sure when he's started to feel so strongly about Nathan or his safety. The boy's a cockroach he can't die, well not permanently anyway, and can claw himself out of any situation. From the stories Nathan's told him alone he knows he shouldn't be incredibly worried. He knows Nathan will be fine he always is but the least rational part of his brain couldn't sit still; wouldn't rest until he at least called him back. He'd been calling Nathan non stop leaving voicemails and desperate texts asking to at least let him know that he's alive. He hasn't heard back. He waited for hours outside the community center waiting for Nathan to come home but he never did. Eventually he was forced to go home to look after his sister until his mum got off from work. </p><p>He was laying on the bed staring up at the ceiling unable to sleep when his phone rang. He fumbled to answer the call despite the phone being in his hand. He pressed the phone to his ear and held his breath too scared to speak in case he said the wrong thing. </p><p>The breathing on the other end of the line was heavy and he could hear the chattering of teeth. Eventually he heard it. "Simon." Nathan said and Simon let out the breath he'd been holding. "Simon, I need you...I need you to come get me. Can you come and get me?"</p><p>"Where are you?" Simon asked without hesitation. He stood up, held the phone to his ear and reached for his jacket.</p><p>"I don't...I don't know." Nathan said, sounding confused and strung out. Simon sighed in exasperation. </p><p>"What do you see?" He asks trying not to sound annoyed because he is grateful for the call he just wished Nathan wasn't always trying to get himself killed. </p><p>"I dunno erm...there's uh a blue sign for a bar and um a Tesco and there's a fish n chips shop that's closed. That's all I see." He talks slowly as if the words are uncomfortable in his mouth. His words are slurred and it sounds like he's got cotton mouth. </p><p>"Alright, alright. I think that's on the corner of 4th and 5th. I'm on my way and for the love of God Nathan don't go anywhere and don't talk to anyone. I mean anyone. And don't get yourself killed. I'm on my way, okay? I'm coming to get you." He says sternly to get his knuckle head of a friend(?) to actually listen to him for once. </p><p>He grabs his mum's car keys on the way out and drives to Bentley's Pub and Grill that's long since closed. It's 5 in the morning and the bars been closed since 2 AM. It should take him 15 minutes by car but he makes it in 9. He drives around the block with his brights on searching for Nathan. He doesn't see him the first time around and ends up having to circle back. He was certain this was the place Nathan described on the phone but now he wasn't so sure.</p><p>Eventually he sees a body crumpled up on the wall of an alley near a dumpster and slams on the breaks when he sees the curly brown hair. He jerks the gear shift into park and gets out so fast he almost falls out the car. "Nathan!" He yells wondering if the other boy's dead or not. He's sitting against the wall in the dark in only a white t-shirt and a pair of ripped black jeans. He's shivering from the cold and lifts his head up to look at Simon. He looks horribly pale and despite the cold he's got sweat on his brow. Simon thinks of the Christmas story his granny used to read to him before she died, Nathan looks a lot like the girl in the story. The Little Match Girl who had no home to go to and no family to turn to aside from her abusive father. Nathan looks up at him with a serene smile that looked exactly like the picture of the little girl when she had the vision of her grandmother to take her to heaven. </p><p>"Howdy." Nathan says with a crooked smile and Simon's heart leaps out of his chest when he feels the other boys skin. It's like touching ice that's so cold it burns you. Simon wonders how long he's been sitting here with no coat. He never should've left him alone on Friday. Never. He knows how Nathan is. How self destructive and suicidal and for lack of a better term mentally ill. </p><p>"Fuck, Nath." He whispers and pulls the boy to his feet. He quickly takes his jacket off and puts it around Nathan's freezing cold shoulders. He takes him into a crushing hug just to keep him warm. He rubs his hands up and down Nathan's arms to create friction. He takes the other boys hands in his own and blows on them to keep them warm.</p><p>He wants to scream at Nathan until his throat is raw because how could he do this to him? How could he leave with another man? How could he get so fucked up he can barely stand up?: How could he run away and ignore his calls and not come home? How could he run away with no coat in this fucking weather? How could he be so dense? How could he...how could he do this to Simon? "Let's go home." </p><p>"I don't...I don't...I don't have a home." He slurs, falling against Simon's body who can hold him up because he's been working out lately. He's had a feeling it would come in handy when it comes to dragging Nathan's unconscious body around though he'd thought he'd be dead and not fucked up. </p><p>"'Course you do, moron." Simon says and takes him to the car. Nathan doesn't argue with him or say anything else. He doesn't fight him when Simon puts him in the car either. He turns the heat all the way up and rubs Nathan arm and drives one handed the whole way home. He doesn't bother asking if Nathan's warm or not he can tell by the shivering he isn't. </p><p>He pulls into his drive and cuts the car off and rushes over to get Nathan out the car. He puts his arm around his shoulders and brings him up the stairs and inside the house. "C'mon we've got to be quiet though my mum and Molly's asleep." He explains and ushers him inside. He brings him to the kitchen table and sets him down. He grabs the throw blanket from the couch and places it around Nathan's shoulders. They don't talk as Simon turns on the kettle to make some tea. Secretly he's fuming. He doesn't want to say anything because he can't find the right words. He's not sure he even allowed to say anything. They've only kissed twice, well three times if you count the cheek kiss and Simon did count the cheek kiss. He doesn't have a claim to Nathan nor did he ever ask for one. He doesn't want to own him or anything close to that he just wants to be involved in his life, be apart of it. He's not asking to be the most important part but he wants to matter to him. He wants to matter enough that Nathan doesn't go off the deep end and try and get himself killed every weekend. He wants to matter enough to Nathan that he doesn't want to die anymore. He doesn't think it's too much to ask for.</p><p>When the teas done and he's added the sugar he turns around to make his intentions known. His anger has bubbled over and he's ready to lay into Nathan when he freezes in his place. He drops one of the teas and the mug crashes to floor into shattered pieces. He sets the other one on the table and stares at Nathan in shock and confusion. The other boy is hunched over the table crying silently and so helplessly he doesn't even bother wiping his tears. They stream down his face and fall into the crook of his neck. His lip is trembling though it's not from the cold. He looks shit in the low light of the kitchen. The purple bags under his eyes are heavy, his cheeks are sunken in, his face pale, and his brow lined with sweat. He smells too; of weed, cigarette smoke, booze, cheap perfume, sweat, and paint thinner? He hadn't been able to take a good look at him before because it was so dark outside and in the car. The light of the kitchen is warm but it still looks harsh on Nathan who's clearly been on a 5 day bender. </p><p>Simon is stood frozen in shock just by how horrible he looks alone never the less the fact that he's sitting there crying in his kitchen. The weeping turns into sobbing and it makes him finally move from his place. "Nath." He exhales and steps closer to him and puts an arm on his shoulder to try and comfort him. He's seen Nathan die over and over again. He's seen him after he's pissed and shit himself. He's seen him vomit blood and his stomach contents. He's seen him strung out after being kidnapped and tortured. He's seen him fucking impaled on a fence but nothing prepared him for this. He can't handle crying, never was able to. It makes him feel awkward and uncomfortable and horrible. </p><p>He isn't sure what he's meant to do in a situation like this so he does what his mum did to his sister when she scraped her knee falling off her bike, he pulls Nathan's head against his chest and wraps his arms around him. "Simon, I-" He starts to say but only cried harder into his chest. Simon feels most of his anger melt away like the heat from the spilt tea on the floor. It's not all gone just placated for now. The main thing on his mind is to get Nathan to stop crying and to figure out why he even started in the first place. </p><p>"It's okay. It's okay." He soothes and awkwardly rubs the curly haired lads back. "It's alright. It's alright." He keeps his voice low and soft and as a calming as possible. He feels completely disarmed and lost but he's trying. He pulls back and takes Nathan's wet cheeks in his hands. "What's going on?" He asks, rubbing some of the tears away with his thumb. </p><p>Nathan takes in a few gasping breaths like he's trying not to cry but he can't quite stop. Nathan shakes his head and puts his hands against Simon's chest like he wants to push him away but can't find the strength so he balls his shirt into fist instead. He's afraid to show his weakness but craves the comfort from Simon. "I-I-I'm so-" He goes to apologize but the words don't come out. "Simon I never should've..."</p><p>"No, Nathan, I shouldn't have left. I was wrong to do that to you on your birthday and I'm so sorry." Simon says because him going on a bender was mostly his fault. Nathan never would've gotten shit faced unsupervised or would've left with that Armstrong guy had Simon been there. After all Nathan had told the other man that he was there with Simon like as a date. He should've focused on that at the time and not stormed off like an asshole. It just made him so mad and insecure. "I will never leave you like that again. Please, I'm really sorry, okay? So don't cry. It's alright you're home now so don't cry."  </p><p>Nathan sniffles and brings his hands up to wipe his face of his tears. He scrubs harder than he needs to and is that mascara that smears down his face? Simon is absolutely in awe of him because what the fuck is that glitter on his neck and collar bone? "Let me...let me tell you everything." Simon almost blanches because he's not sure he's ready or even wants to hear everything. He's even more surprised Nathan is offering to tell him it in the first place. </p><p>"No, you really don't have to. It's not any of my business anyway." </p><p>"Maybe-" Nathan stares at him purposefully his lashes wet from crying earlier-"maybe I want it to be your business." Simon's face goes completely red and he nods mutely not trusting himself to speak. "I started drinking when I was like 14 or something and it spiraled from there. I was in and out of rehab, I got kicked out of Catholic school, and when I overdosed for the second time my mum moved us here." Okay so apparently when Nathan said he was gonna tell him everything he meant everything. "I um I was only clean for a couple months at most because I can't stand going through withdraws and I'm not...I'm not strong enough to do it alone." He looks down in embarrassment and shame as he twiddles his hands nervously. "I'm not like you and I know that. I fuck up more than I ever do anything right and I know you care about that kind of thing. That's why you liked Jillian so much." Simon opens his mouth like he wants to interrupt but Nathan doesn't let him. "You can try and deny it all you want but it's true you know it, I know it, fucking Alisha knows it." Simon thought he'd be raising his voice by now but he's got an alarming sense of calmness about him that makes the hair on his arms stand up. "When you left that night because you found out all of those things about me I was sure you were done with...with me. Then I thought no maybe not he said he'd call but you didn't and I didn't really see the point in trying to be better if y'know you didn't even want to hang around." </p><p>"Nathan, I do! I do  want to hang around. I promise." Simon says vehemently. "I'm sorry I don't know what happened. I just I couldn't take it at the time and I'm sorry. I know that we are different and we've lived different lives I've always known that. I just wasn't prepared to meet someone who's actually done things to you..." He trails awkwardly. </p><p>"What you mean like sexually? I've had sex with quite a bit of people, Barry. We're bound to run into them at some point you'll just have to get over it." He says lightheartedly like its a joke now. </p><p>"You know that's not exactly what I mean." He gives Nathan a pointed look and when he just shrugs and shakes his head he continues. "I couldn't go back in there knowing you felt grateful to a man that...that took advantage of you." </p><p>"He didn't-"</p><p>"Yes, Nathan, he did. I know he did things for you and took care of you and fed you and made sure you didn't die but you were underage, Nathan. It's not okay for someone to do that to a child and that's what you were okay you were a child. Please don't argue with me on this. I feel sick just thinking about it."</p><p>"Oh, I'm sorry that you find me so sickening." Nathan bites back almost instantly going on the defense. </p><p>"Woah woah woah. I obviously didn't mean that and you know it. Don't bite my head off when I'm not trying to start a fight with you." Simon says with a sigh, starting to feel exhausted. He turns away from Nathan tied from the conversation and starts to pick up the glass off the floor to throw it out. </p><p>"You could've never gone through the things I have, Simon. Never. You tried to burn down someones actual home because of what? He excluded you from his friend group? Made you feel small and bullied? Christ, Simon, give me a break." He sneers as Simon grabs a rag to mop up the rest of the spilt teal. "The things I did were because I had to survive. You are only just now getting a taste of what that means...what that feels like." </p><p>Simon turns away from him and throws the wet rag in the sink and begins to lean on it, his knuckles turning white from grabbing the counter top so tight. He lets out a deep breath and closes his eyes. This must be why Kelly hits him upside the head all the time. Sometimes, it's so fucking infuriating to talk to Nathan it makes his head spin. He doesn't even bother answering because he knows anything he says will be taken by Nathan and misconstrue into something completely different from what he meant to say. Nathan's got this special kind of neurosis about him that everything anyone says is a dig at him, that everyone is purposefully pushing him away because they don't want him in their lives. He doesn't want to say anything the curly haired boy will take to heart and use against him at a later date. He doesn't want to fight with him anymore. He doesn't want to keep playing this game where Nathan's self deprecation bleeds into their relationship or stops them from having a relationship all together. It's toxic and it's nearly 6 in the morning and neither of them have had enough sleep and Nathan's brain is clouded with amphetamines anyway. He's too exhausted to argue and work his way into the maze that is Nathan's thoughts He feels bad because he knows Nathan's going through something too. He knows he's probably wanted to kill himself over this and everything else and he also knows that Nathan can't actually stay dead and he knows its a very heart breaking and confusing realization but goddamnit he's tired. "I'm going to bed." He announces with finality. "No, you know what we're both going to bed. Get your ass upstairs, okay? Let's just...let's get some sleep and we can we can argue tomorrow. If that's what you want to do when we wake up we can fight all you want tomorrow. All day if it will make you feel better, okay?" He gives him a pointed look that says if you don't follow me you're in big fucking trouble and walks up the stairs.</p><p>Nathan listens to his footsteps slowly disappear until he's left only with he sound of his irregular heartbeat and the sound of his breathing. Part of him wants to sink to the kitchen floor but he's worried that if he lets himself then he'll shatter into a hundred tiny pieces like the mug before. If he were a better man he'd go upstairs and apologize to Simon. He'd tell him he's sorry and he doesn't want to argue anymore and he'll stop doing drugs and getting himself killed and do whatever it takes to be better. But he doesn't. he makes his way to the bathroom that Simon shares with his sister Molly. He gets inside and closes the door. </p><p>He stands there staring in the mirror for at least 5 minutes. His cheeks are sunken in and his eyes are red and his pupils dilated. There's glitter on his skin from the rave he was at that he can't quite remember. There's black eyeliner and mascara smeared under his eyes. He looks horrible but hey a 5 day bender will do that to a person. The nice hum of the drugs had now turned into a pounding headache right behind his eyes. He feels like someones ran him over with a truck or beat his head in with a bat. He wants to groan in pain but keeps quiet afraid it would make Simon come look for him. He doesn't want to see him right now because he's so fucking embarrassed and starting to feel hungover.</p><p>Eventually he starts to move and grabs the pink face wash from the counter and beings to wash his face with it. It smells like strawberries and fucking clouds or whatever it is 12 year olds like to smell like. He's not sure it's actually good for his skin but it does help take the makeup off so it'll do for now. He rubs the rest off with a dark blue hand towel. He picks up the blue toothbrush that belongs to Simon, shrugs, and being to brush his teeth with it. It should be gross but it isn't really it probably would be to Simon though so he decides he won't tell him. </p><p>He takes a deep breath and makes his way to Simon's bedroom. The other boy is already in bed, under the covers facing the wall. Nathan stares at his back while he steps out of his pants and pulls his shirt over his head. He leaves them in a pile on the floor. Maybe Simon didn't want to see him either. Maybe Simon was sick of him and his bullshit but didn't have the balls to kick him out. Maybe he really was just tired. </p><p>One time in an argument his mother had called him the devil. Perhaps he was the devil. Nothing better than a fallen angel who corrupts everything he touches, he doesn't want to corrupt Simon and turn him into someone like him. Simon is so different so much better than all of them even Kelly who Nathan has the biggest soft spot for. He's the type of guy who would kill for you. He has for Nathan, multiple times already. Nathan doesn't want to be the guy that needs Simon to change to even be able to stand being in the same room as him. </p><p>He wants to go back in the bathroom and drown himself in the bathtub. Or take the glass shards from the trash and slit his wrist. And hey getting hit by a truck doesn't sound so bad either. At least then he'd be unconscious or dead for a few hours. Then he could check back into life and pretend everything was okay. It's not and he knows that won't actually make things better but then at least Simon would be more worried about him having died than when he was preyed upon by an older man as a teenager. </p><p>Slowly, as if his limbs weigh a ton, he climbs under the covers to lay with his back to Simon. Their bodies don't touch and it's probably for the best. Simon is peculiar and intense and he doesn't know what he would do if he reached out and touched him and Simon turned around to look at him. His gaze alone could light Nathan on fire considering how perfervid it is. </p><p>For the first time in his life Nathan feels uncomfortable laying next to Simon. He hates it. It's like the world has swallowed him whole and the only person who could reach down and save him was Simon but Simon didn't want to anymore. He doesn't know what to do with himself anymore and thinks about leaving, just getting his clothes together and walking out the front door. He decides against it and forces his eyes shut. He can't tell if Simon's asleep beside him or not but decides if he were he'd gladly join him instead of wrestling with his thoughts all night. At least even though he's feeling awkward it's still better than sleeping alone in the community center. At least, in its own way, this feels what he'd imagine having a home felt like. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hi guys I'm so sorry this is short and angsty Idk what happened lol. Next chapter should be a little lighter don't hold me to that but yeah. Half of this didnt save and I had to re-write a lot of it and was really frustrated so I'm sorry this isn't very good. I'll try to do better next time. Thank you so much for all the lovely comments and the Kudos. I really appreciate them they make me so happy. I haven't been feeling or doing well lately and this is more of a hobby than anything but I love the comments and stuff you guys are so nice!!! Anyway just much thanks to all!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. There's Nothing Worse Than Walking By Myself</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Nathan gets his birthday presents and absolutely loves them but is shocked to find he loves Simon's family even more.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Nathan wakes up he feels like a mansion had fallen on him in his sleep and crushed his body. He wonders if that's how the green witch from the weird movie with the flying monkeys and the tin man without a heart felt like. He groans and because he doesn't remember their fight he reaches out for Simon. "Christ, Barry, my heads killin-" He stops talking when the spot beside him is cold and empty. He sits up, too quickly, and feels dizzy immediately. His vision is black for a moment and when it rights itself he stands up and looks around the room. Everything's exactly as it should be at first glace. He reaches down and picks up his pants and finds his cell phone in the back pocket. It's 1 in the afternoon and there's a text from Simon. The text was only from 20 minutes ago so Simon must've left not too long ago.</p><p><strong> <em>Shaun cancelled community service today, don't know why. Had to pick up Molly from school since she felt ill. I'll be home soon. -S</em> </strong> </p><p>Figures, Nathan thinks to himself and throws his phone on the bed. When he spins back around he notices that there's a blue gift bag on the desk beside Simon's closed laptop. He doesn't remember it being there last night but it was dark when he came in the room and he'd stared in a daze at Simon's back for the better part of being in the room. </p><p>Curious and cat like he sneaks his way over to the desk as if someone could catch him in the act which is preposterous since he's the only one home. Home. He's been using that word a lot lately as has Simon and it's starting to make his heart clench in discomfort. This wasn't actually his home and the more he thought of it as the more it's going to hurt him when Simon finally realizes he doesn't belong here. Their argument show he was becoming to realize it but was probably in denial about it. </p><p>There's a card on the top of the bag and he picks it up. It has his name on the back so he opens the envelope in confusion. There's a funny little bear on the cover with a party hat sat in front of the cake. Huh, he didn't peg Simon for the silly card type. It's so stupid and corny so why is he laughing? Slowly he opens the card and a little gift card comes out and clatters to the floor. He picks it up and recognizes the corner store it's for. How thoughtful, he thinks only half sarcastically. Finally, he reads the card.</p><p>
  <em>Dear Nathan,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It's so nice to have a friend these days I forgot how to be one myself. I'm sorry I didn't know it was your birthday. I won't forget next year, I promise. Maybe next year when community service is over and we've got jobs we can do something really big to make up for it like go off to the beach. Might be too cold for that but I don't know it's just an idea. We can do whatever you want. Just say the word and we can do it. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>You're a good person and a true friend. I'm lucky to have you in my life not the other way around so stop thinking that. Anyway, I'm sorry and thank you and most of all Happy Birthday. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Love, Barry/Simon ;)</em>
</p><p>It's stupid and cute and really nice and he hates Simon because he doesn't hate him at all. He's not even mad at him anymore. With a newfound excitement he rips the white tissue paper out of his way like a child thrilled on Christmas. He picks up the album and flips it over in his hand. The CD cover is a weird faded yellow sort of color or maybe looks like old timey paper. There's a man on the cover that's an outline he's got bangs and a collared shirt and his mouth is wide open and it looks like candy or something colorful inside...maybe people in party hats? It's weird but definitely looks like something Simon would be into. He flips it over and it says Foals Antidote and there's a song list with songs he doesn't think he's ever heard of before. The song title Big Big Love catches his eye and tries to ignore what that could mean or if maybe that's why Simon chose to give him this specific album for his birthday. At the bottom of the bag there's a coat and when he pulls it out to look at it he gasps because it's actually not bad...well it's great really. It's cute and fashionable and very very him. He's surprised Simon was even able to pick out something as cool as this considering he dresses like a fucking Mormon. The coat is light brown corduroy with white fuzz for a collar and for the inside lining. </p><p>He puts the coat on right away over his bare body and is surprised that for the most part it fits. The sleeves are a bit long but it's fine it's not too noticeable. He goes to the bathroom to look at himself in the mirror. Beside the random scrapes and bruises that line his body he looks good. The jacket looks good on him too. Blimey it looks great. He decides to shoot a text to Simon to tell him as much.</p><p>
  <strike> <em>hey man thnx 4 the bday prznts i love them c u soon x </em> </strike>
</p><p>Nah, doesn't sound right. He deletes it to try again. </p><p>
  <em> <strike>hey barry! luv the coat thnx so much im sorry abt last nite x</strike> </em>
</p><p>No. Too serious. Too formal.</p><p>
  <em>hey loverboy got the gifts who knew u had good taste after all. thnx man. c u soon. x</em>
</p><p>He presses send before he can overthink it anymore. He goes back to Simon's bedroom and carefully folds the jacket and places it back in the bag as if it's made of glass and he's afraid to break it. </p><p>He decides to raid Simon's closet now. He grabs a pair of his dark jeans and a plain white undershirt. He went back to the bathroom and took a quick shower. Maybe 5 minutes because he's dying to have a smoke and promised Simon he wouldn't smoke in the house because his sisters got asthma and his mom would kill him if she thought he was smoking. He uses Simon's icey glacier manly man shampoo or whatever the fuck it's called and conditions his curls quickly. He towels off and dresses quickly. He grabs his cigarettes from Simon's room and goes outside. He sits on the stoop and smokes two cigarettes before meandering back inside. He goes to the kitchen cabinets and finds a can of soup and microwaves it in a bowl with when its done he places it on the table with a pack of crackers beside it. He figures Simon would be home with Molly soon and since she was ill he thought it'd be best to have something in her stomach. He's not actually met Molly yet but he's heard a lot about her and actually wants to make a good impression.</p><p>Nathan grabs the remote and sits on the couch and turns on the TV. He flicks through the channels before deciding on Jersey Shore. Snooki and JWoww are in a big fight at this trashy bar and he's laughing when he hears the door open. "Hey, Simon! Molly! Get in here you've got to see this. It's the funniest shit I've seen in my entire life!" He exclaims pointing toward the TV. The sound of something falling to the floor catches his attention and he turns toward the door to see what Simon's dropped. Only it's not Simon or Molly at all. It's a woman in a pencil skirt and blazer with a brief case that's clattered to the floor. She's got long brown hair tied back in a straight pony tail and glasses on her square shaped face.</p><p>"Who might I ask are you?" Her accent is very posh and sophisticated but her eyebrows are knitted together in a very Simon like way. She's got a very serious and intimidating way about her that Nathan also recognizes. </p><p>He jumps up in surprise even though he knows exactly who she is, maybe he jumps <em>because</em> he knows who she is. "I'm Nathan." He says and offers a hand out for her to shake. She steps closer to him, her heels clacking on the floor as she walks, and takes his hand. Her grip is firm and Nathan tries to match it though he hasn't eaten properly in days...not that he ever really does. "I'm Simon's uh...I'm Simon's friend?" He says it as a question but doesn't really mean to. He's been caught many times by girl's parents after having had sex with them and it never really bothered him. He'd usually just gather his clothes in his arms and make a mad dash out the house naked before the girl's father could beat him to a bloody pulp. This is nothing like those times. He's not naked and caught in the act. They've never even had sex there's nothing for him to be nervous about so why is he? </p><p>"I'm Alice, Molly and Simon's mum." She pauses for a moment of contemplation. "Simon doesn't have friends." She says with a raised eyebrow. She doesn't mean it to be cruel and he can tell by the matter-of-fact way she says it. </p><p>"No, he does. He's got 4 actually. Me included. We're best mates me n 'em." He says with an easy smile because it's true. </p><p>"Right. From where?" Simon's mum says and drops her hand to smooth her skirt out.</p><p>"Community Service. We met at Community Service." Alice's perfectly sculptured eyebrow lifts up in disbelief.</p><p>"So you're a criminal then?" She asks and Nathan's cheeks actually turn pink in embarrassment because he feels like he's on trial. "What'd you do?"</p><p>"Yeah, sometimes." He answers honestly with a shrug because he's almost certain if he lied she'd catch him by the way she's staring him down. "Got done for not paying for pic n mix." He looks down at the badge attached to her blazer and it says Shore and Olivier and Bellamy. "You a lawyer?" </p><p>"Yeah, I am. Good eye but I suppose a criminal would be able to spot a lawyer or a cop." She reasons and he shrugs again. </p><p>"Yeah, good for business to know." He answers and she nods her head in understanding. She doesn't seem to be judgmental like he first feared. She seems to have an understanding that not everyone is a bad person because they do bad things. Maybe that's her jobs influence or maybe that's just another thing that runs in their family. The whole exchange has been pretty awkward but not uncomfortably so. He wonders if this is how it's always like meeting your not so significant other's parent. </p><p>"Well, what are you doing in my house?" </p><p>Nathan tilts his head as if he wasn't expecting the question. "Watching Jersey Shore...." He replied gesturing towards the TV again. She gives him a very familiar look of exasperation and he almost chuckles but bites his lip instead. "I'm waiting for Simon as well. He went to get Molly from school since she's not feeling well." He tries again.</p><p>"Yeah, I know. I got the call a little too late and the school told my secretary Simon was already on his way but I took the day off anyway." She says and Nathan nods along as she talks. "But I still don't see why you- Oh my god are Ron and Sam in another fight?" She asks her attention on the television in front of them. </p><p>Nathan doesn't miss a beat. "Yes! Apparently Ronnie was looking at some girls at the club and dancing on them while Sammy was drinking with Snooks and Deena." He says giving her a run down on this episode. To his surprise Simon's mum sits beside him on the couch and they sit and watch the episode together. </p><p>"No, she didn't!" Simon's mum exclaims as some random girl at the bar starts another fight. </p><p>"Oh yes she did!" Nathan shoots back. </p><p>"She just threw her fuckin' drink in his face!" </p><p>"I know what a bloody bitch!" They both start laughing and continue to make astute observations to each other and in an odd way it feels as natural as being with Simon only it's his mum and she's a mum figure not boyfriend material, obviously. Not that Simon was boyfriend material...</p><p>They hear the door but don't pay any mind as the next episodes just started and it's getting really good. "Barry there's soup in the kitchen for Molly." Nathan says absently as he keeps his eyes on the TV.</p><p>"Barry? You call my son Barry?" Simon's mum asks. "Why'd you call him that?"</p><p>"Yeah, it's er it's like...like a nickname or something." He explains absent-mindedly. There's the sound of something falling to the ground again and Nathan looks up and sees what he assumes to be Molly's backpack on the floor. There's a young girl standing beside Simon who's clearly short for her age. She's got shoulder length curly blonde hair with a pink hair band and bright blue eyes. She looks nothing and exactly like Simon and it freaks him out. She's a pretty little girl and come to think of it so's their mum. Good looks must run in the family, the lucky bastards. "Hi, Molly. I'm Nathan. It's nice to meet you. I made you some soup but it's cold by now. Want me to heat it up?" He ask as he stands up and makes his way over to the two of them. He smiles at the little girl and turns to Simon. He goes in for a hug that is super awkward with everyone watching and for some Godforsaken reason Nathan makes it even more awkward by pressing his lips to Simon's flushed cheek. "Tanks fer the birthday presents." He says and even though he feels awkward he means it. </p><p>"Yeah, yeah." Simon says clearly having a stroke because why the fuck was Nathan just sat on his couch with his mum watching trashy reality television and since when did his mum even watch that garbage anyway? It made sense for Nathan to like it because...well he's Nathan but his mum's a posh lawyer from London. It was mind bending. </p><p>"I'd like that." Molly says and stares at Nathan with her head tilted as if she's trying to figure him out. "Are you Simon's boyfriend or something?" She asks with the brutal honesty most children grow out of in their preteens but Nathan never did and clearly Molly hasn't yet either. He decided right then and there that they'll get on real swell. </p><p>"I don't know. Am I Simon's boyfriend?" He asks teasingly to Simon who's spluttering and bright red in the face looking towards Molly, then Nathan, and his mum in wide eyed total gay panic. Nathan loves it more than life itself. "Relax, man. 'M only jokin'." He says with a dangerous wink that let's Simon know he isn't entirely making a jest. "It's more like or something." He says as if that's any clarification and if it was possible for Simon to get even redder he would've done it by now. "Anyway, Molly, love, let's go heat up that soup, yeah?" He wraps an arm around the young girl's shoulders and walks with her toward the kitchen. "So what's got you feeling ill? Tummy upset?" He asks with a patience and kindness Simon's never heard him use before. </p><p>"Yeah, in second period I started feeling sick to my stomach and figured I better go home before I barf in front of Jesse." She explains as she takes a seat at the kitchen table while Nathan hands her the crackers and puts the bowl back in the microwave. </p><p>"Pray tell, Molly, who is Jesse?" He asks enthusiastically but with such attention it feels like he's interested in her sharing her secrets with him. </p><p>"He's this boy at school. I've got a few classes with him and all the girls like him so I doubt he even notices me. But you can't tell Simon." She whispers loudly as if she's conspiring with him and as if Simon and his mum can't hear them from just the other room. </p><p>"Cross my heart." He promises using his pointer finger to cross an x over his chest. The microwave dings and he takes the soup out and hands it over to Molly with a, "careful, darling, it's hot." So politely he almost sounds like an Englishman himself. Almost. "So this Jesse character..." He whispers sitting across from the blonde haired girl to whisper to her. </p><p>"This the company you keep?" Simon's mum asks him and he turns away from Nathan and Molly to look at his mum with a strained look on his face. </p><p>"No mum...I mean -y-yes Nathan's my...f-friend." He stutters under his mum's hard gaze. </p><p>She keeps staring at him intently before finally nodding. "He seems nice." She says with a slight smile and Simon lets out a breath of relief. </p><p>"You think so?" He asks immediately and dumbly. </p><p>His mum nods. "Yeah, I can just tell." She says and gives him a knowing look that makes Simon immediately look down in embarrassment. She looks over at Nathan and Molly quietly talking about the boys at her school and how she has a bellyache. "You like this boy?" She asks and Simon wants to be swallowed up by the floor even if it takes him straight to hell. "I've always told you and Molly that it's okay to like whoever you like. You know I'll love you both no matter what-"</p><p>"No, mum. I don't l-like him. We're j-just f-friends." He stutters, his hand goes up to pat his hair but he pulls them down to his side quickly to correct his mistake. </p><p>Alice Bellamy rolls her eyes at her son but smiles devilishly. "Don't let him hear you say that, darling. He'll get upset. Poor thing must think you're his boyfriend." She's teasing him and he knows it but he can't help but buy into it. </p><p>"Nathan doesn't...he doesn't think I'm his boyfriend." Simon says quickly, clearly embarrassed. </p><p>"Oh, bunny." She tsks sympathetically and stands up to to soothingly rub his shoulder.</p><p>"Don't call me that...he'll hear you." Simon pouts.</p><p>"You're so clueless." She says and heads into the dinning/kitchen area. "Molly, love, how are you feeling? Let mum get you some tea and some medicines." She says sweetly, going to place the back of her hand on her daughter's forehead to feel for a fever. </p><p>Nathan looks up at Simon with a shit eating grin. "Hey, bunny, mind if we talk upstairs?" </p><p>Simon's eyes go wide and his hands ache to pat his hair. He hasn't felt this anxious in such a long time he doesn't even know what to do with himself at this point. He doesn't say anything just turns on his heels to head up the stairs. </p><p>"Molly, Mrs. Bellamy." He says politely as he goes to follow Simon. </p><p>"Please Nathan call me Alice or even Simon's mum. Anything but Mrs. Bellamy." She says lightly but clearly there's some disdain for Mr. Bellamy in there. Nathan's never heard Simon speak about his father before and wants to ask now. </p><p>"Will do Simon's mum!" He calls half jokingly and trots up the stairs to Simon's bedroom. Simon's already in there standing there awkwardly, not knowing what to do with himself in his own room. It's so pitiful and so Simon Nathan feels his stupid heart flutter. "So..." He trails, standing in front of Simon with his arms crossed. He didn't really have anything to say he just wanted to see him and be with him alone. Like always. </p><p>"Yeah?" Simon asks, too eager for Nathan to fill the room with his useless rambles like always. </p><p>"Your mum's nice." Nathan says, filling the silence. "And hot too, why'd you keep that from me?" He's joking but Simon doesn't smile. "Oh, relax, Barry. You know as well as I that I'm not exactly chasing skirts right now." Simon looks at him with those shark eyes as if he's really hunting his prey. He's never looked at him like that before with such longing and heat, Nathan doesn't even know what to do. His gaze actually wavers. It's not that he doesn't like it. He does. He just wants to be sure about this. He doesn't want to let his passion take over and immaturely ruin this when he realizes it's not practical or what he actually wanted. For the first time in his life he doesn't want to ruin things. He doesn't want to ruin Simon and turn him into a version that resembles him instead. "And Molly she's a nice girl too. You have a uh...a good thing going here." A home. He doesn't say it but it's true. It makes Nathan jealous, just a bit though he'd never say it and if you asked him he'd outright deny it. He doesn't want to taint Simon with his jealousy and his drugs and his deadbeat lifestyle. The problem isn't his heart, he knows what his heart wants, the problems who he is. He must be quiet for too long so Simon finally speaks.</p><p>"Did you want to tell me something?" He asks carefully as if he's worried about what Nathan could say. </p><p>"Yeah umm. Thank you for picking me up and the birthday presents." He says and Simon's smiling at him. "I would also like to say that I am apologetic for some of the things that happened last night." </p><p>Simon actually starts laughing. "So, you're saying you're sorry? To me?" He asks incredulously.</p><p>"No, I'm saying I may feel a bit remorseful for my actions as of late...specifically last night." Nathan says painfully dancing around his apology. Simon gives him a very long pointed stare. "Could you just...could you just forgive me, man? So we can move on?" Nathan acts trying to hold in his chagrin. </p><p>"Yes, I will forgive you." Simon says around a smile. "But only because I want us to move on not because I was blown away by your half-assed apology." He's teasing Nathan which is a good sign that he hasn't completely damaged their relationship so far. </p><p>Nathan lets an almost flirtation smile play on his lips because good God why did Simon cursing cause butterflies to erupt in his stomach? "Awesome. So, I'll text you later?" He asks as a way to dismiss himself. </p><p>"What erm...what do you mean?" Simon asked, instantly confused.</p><p>"I just...yer mum's here. I really shouldn't...I don't want-" he takes a deep breath-"I should go." He says not wanting to tell Simon he doesn't want his mum to see him as a free loading criminal that's taking advantage of her precious little boy because he's a homeless. </p><p>"No, what are you talking about? You don't have to go." There's a small bit of panic in Simon's eyes as if he's afraid Nathan will go off and shoot up or get shit-faced for 5 more days in a row. </p><p>"Yeah, it's okay. I'll just go...home and get some sleep. I'm still tired from everything." He gives a vague gesture with the wave of his hands and the exhaustion is evident on his face from the purple bags under his eyes and the paleness of his skin. "But it's okay. I'll text you." He reassures Simon. He can't stay and spend the night now that Simon's mum knows he's here it'll be too weird. </p><p>"Fine. But text me when you get there." Simon relents and grabs the gift bag and shoves it in Nathan's hand. "And put the jacket on." He says holding the brown coat up to help Nathan get his arms through like the gentleman he is. </p><p>Nathan stands in front of him with the jacket on smiling. "How's it look?" He asked, surprised he actually wants Simon's opinion. </p><p>"Good." Simon says admiring Nathan in the coat. "Yeah, really good." </p><p>"'Tanks." Nathan says almost feeling shy from Simon's intense gaze. "Okay, I'll see you later." </p><p>"I can walk you out." </p><p>"No, it's okay. I can see myself out. You should probably get some rest anyway." He says and waves Simon off. "Seriously, man. It's fine." He says and pushes Simon back slightly so he falls back on the bed. "You were up half the night because of me and even got up to get your sister. Get some rest." </p><p>Simon looks hesitant but follows the natural flow of falling back from the weight Nathan places on his chest. "Fine. Text me." He repeats and Nathan nods. </p><p>"I will. Bye." Nathan says and gives an awkward wave before he turns and walks out closing the door behind him. When he gets to the bottom of the stairs he sees Alice with Molly's head in her lap watching television. </p><p>"Not staying for dinner?" Alice asks as he takes his beat up sneakers and pulls them on his feet. </p><p>"No, I've got to go ho-....I've got to go." He says stumbling a bit over his words. "'Tanks fer lettin' me stay here. Molly, I hope you get to feeling better." </p><p>"Thanks." Molly says sleepily as Alice runs her hands through her hair." </p><p>"Bye, love. See you soon." Alice says pleasantly. </p><p>"Bye." He repeats and leaves through the front door. On his walk back to the community center he kicks rocks and smoke cigarettes. It's bitterly cold but the jacket Simon gave him certainly helps. He hates it, walking home alone like this. Or to his not so home. It makes the cold feel worse and the loneliness seep into his bones. It makes him even more exhausted and hungry than it should. </p><p>He hates himself for how much he misses being with Simon and staying in Simon's home. He feels lame and emotional for feeling this way. He's too tired to drink when he gets back to the community center. So he texts Simon to let him know he's back and passes out on his dirty, cold mattress. </p><p>
  <em>got here ok ttyl gnite x </em>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Sorry this chapter is so short and took forever and isn't even very good. I just wanted to get something out for ya'll to read. I've been so busy with university I've barely had time to write. Anyway please enjoy anyway! As always thanks so much for your kind words and for reading my story. It means a lot.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chasing Feelings I Don't Understand</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm sorry this took so long I don't know where my head was at then Halloween happened and I was busy/drunk. Next chapter will be Halloween for them and they will have different costumes than in the show because it's my story and i can do what i want lol Anyway I apologize for taking so long I'm getting my bachelors and ir's a nightmare.</p><p>Anyways as always comment and leave a kudos if you liked it!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Community service seemed to last forever and Nathan was feeling unusually energetic and if that made him act a little bit more annoying then so be it. Simon was picking up litter off the ground and Nathan was standing on the concrete wall of someone's garden behind him. He was pulling at and messing up Simon's hair. Curtis for once was helping and actually talking to Simon. "So, do you guys have any plans for this weekend?" He asked as if Simon and Nathan are a unit that moves as one and does things together. </p><p>"N-no. I don't think so."  Simon tilts his head up and back to to look at Nathan for an answer. "Why do you ask?"</p><p>"It's Halloween. We've got to do something!" Curtis exclaims and it makes Nathan's face light up. "Surely you do." He says pointing at Nathan. </p><p>"Of course we're doing something!" Nathan yells. "I've got my costume ready and everything." </p><p>"You got a costume? How did you even afford one?" Curtis asks him in disbelief. </p><p>"I have my ways." He answers with a wicked smile and a wink at the other boy. </p><p>"You're such a fookin' criminal." Kelly says with a shake of her head. </p><p>"It's a sexy one too." He purrs in Simon's ear with a light tug of his hair just because the others are watching and he knows it'll get a rise out of him. </p><p>Simon's face is beet red as he pushes Nathan off of him. Nathan's foot slips out from under him and he tilts back. If it weren't for Simon quickly grabbing his wrist and pulling him down and off the wall and into his solid chest he would've ate concrete for sure. It should be dead romantic and not that it doesn't get him a bit hot and bothered Nathan can't help but lift a eyebrow up at him. He knows Simon's been working out but he's never seen him with reflexes this good before. It's strange and it gives him a bad feeling he can't place. "'Tanks." Nathan breathes out a bit too heavily than he would've liked. </p><p>"You're welcome." Simon doesn't stutter when he says this and it actually makes Nathan's fucking cheeks go pink and he's unable to make eye contact with the other boy. He clears his throat uncomfortably and looks back at Kelly who's reading his mind by the shocked look on her face. He does everything in his power to not think about how hot Simon is or how much he actually likes the other boy. Like--likes. Which is so unbelievably embarrassing by itself. </p><p>He points a finger at Kelly and gives her his best shut-your-fucking-mouth face. She smiles at him and shakes her head. "What 'bout you, Simon? You got a costume yet?" She asks just to make Nathan nervous. </p><p>If Simon's affected by his change of demeanor he doesn't show it. In fact he doesn't even falter before answering her. "No, but if we're planning on going out or something I can find a costume." </p><p>"Yes! We're definitely going out!" Alisha exclaims over her cell phone, not even looking up from her texting. Nathan's not sure when it happened exactly but her and Curtis have since split up. He knows Curtis has moved on to a girl called Nikki and Alisha is...okay as far as he can tell. She's not running around trying to kill Nikki nor is she trying to kill herself and in his experience that basically means someone's as right as rain. </p><p>"Shots?" Nathan asks her with an impish grin she looks up and returns.</p><p>"Shots." She agrees. Nathan doesn't know if he should hate her or be her best friend. Lately, they've been getting on quite well. She's stuck up for him even in situations where Kelly hasn't. Perhaps, she knows him better than Simon does without actually knowing the history of his life. She knows him because in another life she could've been him and he her. He likes to think it's a cosmic joke that maybe if they were both better people and a bit less like each other they might've gone out or at least been mates of sorts. </p><p>"I imagine you've already got yerself a sexy costume s'well, yeah?" Nathan asks. </p><p>"You know it." She responds with a flip of her curls. </p><p>"You just gonna let this happen?" Curtis asks, his attention on Simon. </p><p>"Let what happen?" Simon asks stupidly and obliviously with a miniscule smile. </p><p>"This-" he says gesturing towards Alisha and Nathan with a wave of both hands. "Once they join forces it's over for all of us."</p><p>"Oh, I doubt that." Simon says immediately and looks up at Alisha with an apologetic smile. "Sorry, no offense but umm...teaming up with Nathan c'mon." He teases.</p><p>"Me? Teamin' up with 'em? You're the one shaggin' 'em not me." She shoots back, crossing her arms over her chest and raising  brow in defiance. She isn't seriously angry though. </p><p>"Me? Shagging Nathan?" Simon says in disbelief the same time Nathan says "Oh piss off!" Both boys turn to look at each other trying to gauge who should be mad at the other. </p><p>Nathan a much more emotional creature reacts first. "Oh you wish." He sneers at Simon but backs away from him and Simon absolutely recognizes the flicker of embarrassment and perhaps hurt that crosses his handsome features. </p><p>"Whateva'." Alisha says purely to break the tension. </p><p>Nathan lingers around a few more minutes, keeping a bit more distance between him and Simon before meandering off to smoke. He sits on the curb a few yards away with his dirty converse planted in the street. He goes to light his cigarette but each time he runs his thumb over the spark wheel and hits the stone the flame flickers out and stubbornly refuses to burn. He tries over and over again before groaning loudly in frustration and throwing the damn thing against the street as if it were a cursed object. </p><p>Simon, with the patience of a saint, had been watching him and having anticipated his needs took the matchbook he's started to carry from his jacket pocket and threw it over to Nathan. It hit Nathan upside the head and bounced onto the sidewalk beside him. </p><p>"Ow! What the fuck?" He called, turning to glare at Simon who simply rolled his eyes and resumed picking up litter. </p><p>"You're welcome." Simon said. </p><p>"Oh, fuck you very much." Nathan grumbles and strikes a match to light his cigarette pocketing the matchbook. </p><p>"He already said he wouldn't, love." Alisha says in a high pitched fake nice voice. She's teasing him and he knows it so he only grumbles a curse under his breath smiles just as sweetly and gives her the finger. </p><p>Nathan turns his attention away from them and stares at a squirrel in a nearby tree as it climbs the branches. He thinks it'd be easy to be a squirrel. If you were a smart one not the ones that jumped in front of the road for a stupid acorn. He flicks his cigarette bud and looks back over at Simon who's bent over picking up a stray McDonald's wrapper. Squirrels only go into dangerous places for acorns because they need them to live. Simon picks the trash up with his grabber and places it in the big black trash bucket they've been given. Perhaps, he is a squirrel after all or maybe he understands what it's like to be one. He hopes he can be as brave as a squirrel anyway. To seek out danger before the ones he needs to live can. </p><p>He knows Simon's up to something. He knows he's been working out and he knows that sometimes he gets up at the ass crack of dawn and sneaks back in before he thinks Nathan will notice. He also knows this isn't all that's going on with the other boy. He knows Simon's hiding something from him. He just doesn't exactly know what. Nathan just knows that whatever it is Simon's keeping it from him for a reason. This makes Nathan bitter and resentful. One, Simon doesn't think he's smart enough or that he doesn't care enough to notice and two because Simon doesn't trust him enough to tell him even though Nathan's poured his bleeding heart out to him about some of the worst things that's happened to him. </p><p>"Nathan. It's time to go." A female voice calls.</p><p>He's so lost in thought he doesn't realize the cigarette has burned down to the filter leaving a snub until he feels the ashes burn on his clothes. "Fuck!" He hisses and swipes the heated ash off of him.</p><p>"Nathan, you okay?" The voice, Kelly, asks. </p><p>"Yeah, yeah 'm fine." He answers, voice gravely before he can even think about it. He clears his throat and looks up at her like a deer caught in headlights. "Yeah, I'm fine. 'Course I'm fine." He repeats sounding much more like himself. </p><p>"Right." She says slowly as if she doesn't believe him. </p><p>"Umm what did you say?" He asks because he honestly hadn't processed the first thing she'd said to him. </p><p>"It's time to go?" She repeats for him. He nods and stands up. </p><p>"Okay." Nathan says, his brain forcing itself to jumpstart so he's caught up. "Okay, you guys go ahead." </p><p>"Wot d'ya mean?" Kelly asks, confusion etched on her face as Simon takes a few steps forward and into his direct line of sight. </p><p>"Yeah, I'm just gonna...I've got that....thing?" He lies not so cleverly. </p><p>"Nathan-" Simon says stepping into his personal space-"if this is about earlier..." His voice is dropped down low and he speaks in a hushed tone so only Nathan can hear. "I didn't mean anything by it." </p><p>"No, it's not that. I just have something to do." He keeps the lie up to save face. It's honestly not about that stupid comment that basically meant Simon didn't want to shag him. It's about everything pertaining to Simon. He's never had someone take such a strong hold of him and consume all of his thoughts and free time. He's never slept in the same bed with another person more than once when it wasn't his life depending on it. Simon had a very annoying and special way about him when he began to take up most of Nathan's life. It was starting to feel overwhelming. Simon literally called his home Nathan's. He's literally bathed Nathan and tucked him in as if he were a child. He's taken care of Nathan and Nathan wasn't used to it. The idea of getting used to that kind of treatment was starting to freak him the fuck out. What if Simon didn't feel the same way? What if he merely pitied him? Or wanted a friend so badly he let Nathan spend nights at his house in his bed? What if Simon was so desperate for company that even a bastard like Nathan would do? What if somehow it was all some cruel joke? "Barry, it's fine. I'll be back tonight." He promises, claps Simon on the shoulder and walks off to the nearest bus station. </p><p>He rides the bus for hours not getting off until the last stop. Then he takes the next bus to finally get off at a stop closest to Simon's house. He smokes cigarette after cigarette the whole walk there. It's a nice quiet fall night though it is cold as shit. Nathan wishes he had some alcohol to warm him up. It's 7PM when he gets to Simon's place and he lets himself in through the downstairs window. He didn't bother with the door because he doesn't want Molly or more importantly Simon to hear him come in. He wants to snoop a bit or try and catch Simon in the act...whatever the act is. </p><p>Once inside he takes his shoes off and closes the window. He carries his beat up shoes quietly up the stairs. It's a fairly old house but the creaking is minimal so he doesn't curse too much internally. He notices the light on in the bathroom and can hear the shower running so he makes a bee line for Simon's room and throws his shoes by the door. He makes his way to Simon's desk and is surprised to see his laptop open and on. He clicks on the web browser and goes to find his recent searches but it's all been cleared out. Unless he was watching some freaky porn this is beyond suspicious to Nathan. He goes back to his desktop and clicks on a folder called personal inside the folder there's hundreds of videos that have been taken from Simon's phone. Most of the videos feature Nathan. </p><p>He clicks on one of the more recent ones of Simon's bedroom with the morning light shinning through. He can hear Simon's breathy laugh from behind the camera as it slowly comes into focus on the crumbled up figure of Nathan on the bed. All you can see is his mess of curls poking up from the blankets. He moves slightly under the covers and there's an audible groan that comes from him. "Why'd ya have the blinds open?" He grumbles, voice hoarse from sleep. </p><p>"No reason." Simon says and again there's that breathy laugh. And again Nathan groans. </p><p>"You better not be recordin' me, Barry." He complains his naked arm poking out and pulling the covers over his head. He rolls over on his back and lays there huffing. </p><p>Simon's hand sneaks out from behind the camera and tugs on the blanket pulling it down until it pools at Nathan's waist. His chest is bare as he sleeps in just his underwear at Simon's since it's nice and warm there compared to where he calls home. Goosebumps erupt over his his skin his body lean and light making his ribs stick out slightly. He sort of hates how it looks but the way Simon's breath hitches does something to him. His arms go up and shield his face from the light. "Simon!" He groans but stretches in a cat-like way that lets the other boy know he's going to get up soon if Simon wants him to. </p><p>"What?" Simon asks feigning innocence. He turns the camera around and then himself so he's in the shot with Nathan. He's smiling widely and his eyes crinkle as his head tilts to the side. It's unbearably cute and a certain kind of fondness fills Nathan. </p><p>In the video Nathan sits up with his hair a mess of brown curls and sleep lines on his cheek a tiny bit of drool by his mouth. He wipes his cheek and squints sleepily at the other boy. "Pray tell, Simon Bellamy, why're you recordin' me?"  He asks with a crooked smile as if he knows some secret Simon doesn't. </p><p>"Shut up." Simon says with a small laugh and the video cuts out. </p><p>He browses through the other ones briefly and a few more files and folders but finds nothing interesting or useful. He closes the tabs out and leaves it how he found it. He gets bored from finding nothing and goes across the hall and into the bathroom. </p><p>"Hey, I'm in here!" Simon calls out in a panic as the door opens. </p><p>"Yeah, Barry, I know I can hear the shower." He says sarcastically and stands there staring at himself through the foggy mirror. </p><p>"Nathan, hey!" Simon says and he can hear the excitement and genuine happiness in his voice and it sends chills down his spine. </p><p>"Hey!" He calls back lacking the enthusiasm and having a stale sense of excitement. </p><p>"After you left I went down to the mall and picked up a costume." Simon says carrying a conversation as if they were a married couple that shared a bathroom all the time. It's not like Nathan was shy about it because he wasn't he was just shocked that Simon had grown into such a confident person but that he seemed to be totally fine with Nathan being in the same room as him as he was naked and wet. That did things to him too. </p><p>Nathan heard it plain as day footsteps coming up the stairs. "Barry who's ho-" before he can finish there's a knocking at the bathroom door. </p><p>"Simon. Simon it's mum." Nathan jumps at the sound. Simon must as well because he can hear the sound of a shampoo bottle falling to the tile. </p><p>"Mum! I'm in the shower!" Simon called back trying to hide his panic. </p><p>"Yes, I know love. I've just got to pop in there a minute and get my curling iron. Molly's taken it from me again to impress that stupid boy in school she's got a crush on. Don't worry darling I won't peak and besides it's not like it's nothing I haven't seen before." His mum jiggles the handle on the door and in a panic Nathan pulls the shower curtain open and jumps inside the shower before quickly closing it shut. He's standing there staring a shocked and wide eyed Simon in the face. Hot water streams down the front of Nathan's face soaking his curls and dripping onto his shirt and pants. His face is too close to Simon's for him to see anything else at the moment, anything lower, and he's not sure he's even interested based on how comical Simon's expression is. Simon's mouth opens to protest and kick Nathan out of the shower because he's naked but Nathan backs him up against the shower wall and places a hand across the other boy's mouth to silence him. </p><p>Simon's mum Alice enters the bathroom and begins going through the drawers in search of her curling iron. "Did you have fun at community service?" She asks, making conversation. Nathan motions for Simon to calm down before removing his hand from his mouth so he can answer.</p><p>"Yeah, mum. It was great picking up trash from the side of the road." There's sarcasm in Simon's voice that Nathan doesn't normally here. He sounds a bit petulant like most children do when their parents poke and prod. Nathan grins widely in amusement. </p><p>"Well now you'll think twice before attempting to commit arson won't you, dear." She says rather cheerfully enough that Nathan now has to cover his own mouth to keep from laughing. Simon's eyes narrow at him and he does his best to keep quiet. "Besides, that nice but weird boy Nathan said you've made friends so I'm sure you goof off with them every now and again." </p><p>Nathan looks as Simon and over exaggeratedly mouths the word weird at him like it's the most absurd thing he's been called thus far. </p><p>"That's just Nathan. He's the only one that goofs off." He explains in exasperation wondering when his mum will leave. Nathan finally comes to his impish senses and takes a step back his socks soaked from the water and observes Simon's body. He's fit more so than you can tell when he's got clothes on but he's got scrapes on his knees and random bruising on his body mostly his legs and his sides as if he's taken a few falls. Nathan takes another step away from him in surprise his back hitting the shower wall a soft "oh" escaping his lips. Alarm bells sound off in his head and he's filled with trepidation. "Oh." He says again and for some reason tears are pricking at his eyes though he doesn't even understand the situation or why Simon has these bruises on his body. His own body has knows the feeling of being battered like that and seeing it on Simon makes him fall to the floor of the shower with both hands covering his mouth in shock. The old Nathan, the one that didn't possess these feelings for Simon that even he didn't understand, would've admired his admittedly nice body and stolen a peek at his penis. His brain hasn't even caught up to the fact that his eyes have seen Simon's genitals at all. Flight or fight instincts have kicked in but instead of picking one he's chosen the lest likely third option, freeze. </p><p>"Well, either way he seems like a nice kid bit troubled but...oh there it is." </p><p>"Piss off, mum!" Simon blurts out despite having never cursed at his mum before. He feels hopeless and ashamed that his secret is out without him telling Nathan himself. </p><p>"Alright, alright. You don't want to talk about him. I get it. Just know you can talk to me about anything." Alice says kindly and knowingly as she closes the bathroom door and heads downstairs. Once the sound of her heels dies down Simon moves to crouch in front of Nathan. </p><p>"Nathan, please, I-I can explain." His stutters back which lets Nathan know he's nervous about being caught. He didn't want to be found out. </p><p>"What's going on?" Nathan asks trying to pretend that any tears are really just the water droplets streaming down from his wet curls. Simon's mouth closes into a hard line and he takes a moment to think it over. A moments not good enough for Nathan he wants to know what's going on now. "Explain it to me!" He yells incandescently. </p><p>"Okay...okay...lets just lets get out of the shower and we can- we can talk about this." Simon says slowly like he always does when he doesn't want to set Nathan off. </p><p>"Lets." Nathan snarks standing up so fast he almost slips and busts his head but rights himself just in time. He quickly pulls the shower curtain to the side and steps out his socks squishing uncomfortably on the tile below. He hates that too. Simon wasn't moving fast enough for him so he picked up the white towel Simon had placed on the closed toilet lid and pushes it at him, hitting him squarely in the chest. He rips the door open and again almost slips as he storms to Simon's room. </p><p>He stands in the middle of Simon's room with his arms crossed now fuming instead of tearful. He's gotten cold from the lack of warm water and his wet clothes.</p><p>Simon makes a mad dash into his bedroom trying to wrap the towel securely around his waist. There's water droplets in his hair and down his naked body. It would be very sexy if Nathan didn't feel betrayed and angry. "I can explain." He repeats sounding out of breath. </p><p>"I'm waiting." Nathan says tapping his fingers nervously over his crossed arm. He's staring Simon down acutely aware of how nervous it's making the other boy and for some reason he's glad Simon feels nervous, he wants him to even.</p><p>Simon does his best not to squirm under his gaze. He's trying to remain calm and collected to gather his thoughts and explain clearly and in a way that makes it not seem as bad as it is. "I've been....I've been training." He starts off again slowly like he does when he's explaining things to Nathan that might make him explode with anger or worse scare the other boy off. Nathan doesn't speak but his jaw hardens. He doesn't nod or blink or react in anyway so Simon deems it safe to continue. "I've been training to be a...superhero or a vigilante at the least." He comes out and says it because Nathan's expression is impatient and he doesn't want to lose his attention. </p><p>"A superhero?" Nathan exclaims. "What the fuck? Why are you training to be a feckin' superhero?" His reaction is instantaneous and Simon takes a half a step back. </p><p>"Because, Nathan, everywhere I turn someone is trying to kill you or our friends. But mostly you. You've been killed multiple times and there was nothing I could do but watch you die and wait for the air to fill your body again. I couldn't keep doing nothing about it. Please, you have to understand I never meant for you to-"</p><p>"Find out?" Nathan's shouting now. "Please, you can't sit here and expect me to believe you've done all of this for me!"  </p><p>"No, Nathan, I didn't want you to find out like this, okay? Really I didn't. I was going to tell you, I swear!" He steps closer to Nathan with his arms out as if he's trying to calm a wild animal from running away. "It's not all about you. It's for me too! I can't just be helpless anymore. I have this power and I should do something with it other than murdering people to cover our asses." He hisses the last part quietly. </p><p>"Simon, I know you want to be something great but you've got cuts and scrapes and bruises all over you. You can't seriously consider being some kind of feckin' hero. You're gonna get yerself killed and unlike me you won't fecking come back. You don't get to do that! You don't get to do that to me!" Nathan's yelling so loudly he's sure the neighbors can hear him but he's so overcome with so many emotions he can't think straight. Who the hell did Simon think he was trying to be the worlds hero when his death would destroy not only Nathan but all the people in his life that care about him. When Simon takes another step towards him to comfort him because yes he is crying now he pushes at Simon's chest hard. The other boy stumbles back slightly but for the most part remains sturdy. Probably from his secret superhero training and this just pisses Nathan off further so he pushes and he pushes again. </p><p>"I'm not going to die." Simon says softly. "I'm not. I'm careful I promise." He takes Nathan's wrist in his hands and holds them out so he stops beating against his chest with his fist. "Everything's fine. I have it under control, Nathan. I promise." </p><p>Nathan shakes his head and tries to pull his arms away but can't find the strength. "You have to stop." He whispers finally looking up to meet Simon's eyes. His lashes wet with tears. "You can't do this anymore. It's too dangerous." </p><p>"Nathan, I can't just stop what if one day someone comes after us again? What if they don't just try and kill you but Kelly, Alisha, or Curtis too? Nathan you can die the rest of us won't come back. Someone has to be strong enough to protect us." He explains softly like the time his mum explained to him why his dad wasn't going to be around anymore since he'd been staying in prison for a long time. "I can do this. You just have to trust me."</p><p>"Trust you? Simon, you've been lying to me this whole time. How can I trust you?" Nathan hisses back his eyes narrowed in anger. "I can't." </p><p>"Yes you can. You know you can. I didn't tell you because I was trying to protect you. I've never lied to you not about anything else. Please, you have to know that." Simon pleads with him, taking his hands in his. "I would never do anything to hurt you." He adds staring into Nathan eyes with so much sincerity it almost makes Nathan feel guilty for starting a fight like he always does. Almost. </p><p>"I don't know...I don't know." Nathan says but it's as good as giving up. He can't take the pain and the fear of it anymore and he sags into Simon's bare chest. He's never been scared to lose anyone before not since Jamie but not like this. Not where he genuinely lov- liked someone so much he doesn't think he can function without him. When he closes his eyes he can see Simon's ghost staring at him telling him it's too late. But it's not. Simon's here, alive and warm and right in front of him. Holding him to him. If it's not too late maybe he can...maybe he can convince Simon to change his mind and stop this madness. Maybe if he sees how dangerous it is he'll realize it's a mistake. "Fine." He relents. "You can continue but only....only if you take me with you." </p><p>"Nathan-" Simon interjects and he can feel his breath on the top of his head. </p><p>"Don't argue with me." Nathan says sternly and with purpose. "Don't argue with me or I will walk right out that door and I won't come back." He threatens he's not even sure if he really means it but Simon must think so because he nods. </p><p>"Okay...you can come with me." He capitulates and it makes Nathan let out a breath of relief. </p><p>Slowly he separates himself from Simon and finally gets a good look at him. The fire and anger had dissipated into passion or something close to it. The white towel is hung low on his waist and his muscles are much more defined than Nathan would've thought. He's seen Simon's back from changing in the locker room but he's never seen him fully undressed standing in front of him so confident before. "Fuck." He breaths out and reaches a hand to place it over Simon's heart. There's goosebumps on his chest from Nathan's touch and his hair is still wet and the bangs flop on his forehead. His skin is pale as ever but his chest is still flushed from the heat of the water. Simon is surprisingly quiet and complacent under Nathan's intense gaze. Nathan's heart feels as though it's beating wildly out of his chest and he can't understand why. All he can hear is his heart pounding in his chest ad both of their breathing quickening. Something is meant to happen but again Nathan finds himself afraid to cross that line. He thinks he's grown to care for Simon in more than a friend way and it feels like an electrical shock of a realization because everything he cares about either leaves him or dies. He doesn't know how to tell Simon or anyone how scared he is of this. It feels like he's lived his whole life alone or even with other people around he's been lonely. He doesn't feel lonely with Simon. Sometimes, more often than not, he feels happy especially when it's just the two of them. They're both different people when it's just the two of them like right now. </p><p>Slowly he drops his hand and his eyes become downcast afraid to see Simon's expression in case he feels rejected. "It's cold. Lets get changed." And just to make sure Simon knows he's not rejecting him, not entirely he looks up and winks at him. "If you stay like this your mums bound to walk in on something else she wouldn't want to see." He uses an overly flirty tone and breaks out into a smile when Simon does as well. </p><p>Simon had bought Nathan his own pair of pajama pants because his are too short for him so when he changes he puts them on. Simon pulls his boxers on under the towel and turns around when he puts his sweat pants and t-shirt on. Nathan grabs one of Simon's hoodies and puts it on over his bare chest. Simon gathers Nathan's wet clothes and places them in his full laundry basket and turns to leave the room to take them downstairs. Before he leaves he turns around to Nathan. "My mum probably heard us fighting." He deadpans. </p><p>"Probably." He agrees. </p><p>"Yeah." Simon turns to look at him. "Do you want some tea?" He asks Nathan who smiles. "Or something to eat?" </p><p>"Yeah." He says with a grin. "Sounds good." They both make their way downstairs. Alice is in the kitchen making pasta when they get there. "Hi Ms. Bellamy." Nathan says and casually sits at the table pretending they hadn't just been screaming at one another upstairs. </p><p>"Please, Nathan, it's Alice." She says kindly. She turns around from the pot she's stirring and sees Nathan and Simon both with wet hair. "Hmm." She says with a slight eyebrow raise. Nathan just gives her a cheeky grin. Simon's face flushes as he goes to turn on the kettle. "How was community service?" She asks returning to her pot. </p><p>"S'alright." Simon answers as though he's not really listening as he gets the tea bags out. "Lavender or Chamomile?" He asks Nathan. </p><p>To be honest Nathan actually hates tea. He's always been more of an energy drink or very sugary caffeinated soda type of person. He actually likes coffee more than tea and he's not a big fan of it. "Chamomile." He answers because he knows Simon likes it more. He may not like tea but he knows Simon does. He knows tea makes Simon feel better and he knows when Simon makes it for Nathan he's trying to make him feel better too. He doesn't like tea but he likes Simon so he pretends to like tea. Simon hands him the warm mug once he's added the sugar. "Tanks, love." Nathan says slightly teasingly and holds it in both his hands for the warmth. </p><p>"You're welcome. I'll be right back." He says setting his tea down and picking up the laundry basket and heading to the washer and dryer in the other room. </p><p>Nathan sits there staring at his tea and once it cools down he takes a small sip and since Simon's not there he makes a face. "Something wrong, love?" Alice asks and his head snaps up to look at her. </p><p>"Uh no. Not at all." He lies but cringes slightly when he takes another sip. "It's the tea." He finally confesses. "Simon likes it a lot but I don't." </p><p>She lets out a small and amused laugh. "You don't like tea? At all?" Nathan shakes his head. "But you drink it because my son thinks you like it?" He nods. "Oh, you've got it bad. Don't you?" She teases.</p><p>"I- shut up." He says when he can't think of a clever response since he's so flustered. </p><p>Alice laughs quietly and tries to hide it by turning around. "Kids! Dinners ready!" She calls and Molly comes bounding down the stairs as Alice dishes out the pasta into the bowls and sets them down at the dinning room table. </p><p>Simon comes in and sits beside Nathan. They all sit at the table, laugh, and joke while they eat. It's nice and it feels warm and homey. Nathan tries to swallow down the fear and anxiety of losing this at any time and just tries to enjoy himself. </p><p>Later that night when he's lying in bed with Simon he pretends to be asleep until Simon is. He props himself up on his arm and stares at him. That's all he doesn't move closer or even touch him just stares. Longingly and helplessly. How did this weird kid become the most important person in Nathan's life and more importantly when had that happened? He can't pinpoint a precise moment and doesn't think he'll ever be able to. He wonders is Simon can and if he'd ever share it with him one day. </p><p>He settles back down on the bed and pulls the covers up over his chin. He closes his eyes and falls asleep still facing Simon. He wakes up that way too. </p>
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<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Why Would You Even Kiss Me?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>LMAO I AM SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG. I have like 8 drafts for different fics I'm working on at the same time while getting my bachelors. ANYWAY, I really hope you enjoyed this chapter as always please leave a comment since I thrive on them lol </p><p>Also the song used is Love Me Dead by Ludo it's very halloweeney and def something Simon would listen to in his free time so give it a listen while reading if u want.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
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  <em>Nathan's sitting in the back seat of the car again and when he looks out the window he doesn't see the green fields of Ireland like he usually does. Instead it's the dark streets of the outskirts of London. He looks off to the side of him where the dark figure should be but there's no one there but still he doesn't feel safe. There's a burning feeling in the pit of his stomach that lets him know somethings not right. His eyes wander to the rear view mirror in the front of the car. Simon's driving the car and he feels a small rush of relief before it dissipates completely. Somethings not right with Simon. He can tell right away. There's blood pooling down the side of his face from an injury to the top  of his head. </em>
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  <em>"Simon?" He hears his own voice call out. Nathan reserves the use of his real name for serious situations or when he's trying to get his attention. "Simon, is somethin' the matter?" </em>
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  <em>"It's going to be okay." Simon says in a hauntingly surreal voice and Nathan knows in this moment that it's not Simon not really him anyway but ghost him. Nathan takes a big gulp of fear as panic fills him. He's got tears streaming down his eyes and this time when he reaches for the steering wheel he can feel it. "You shouldn't see this." Simon says in a serious warning tone. He turns around to stare at Nathan as the car continues accelerating forward toward a bridge. "Close your eyes." His hands come to rest over Nathan's and he jerks the wheel of the car so it hits the railing and plummets into the river below. </em>
</p><p>Nathan wakes up with a slight jerk and takes a gasp of air into his lungs as if he'd stopped breathing from the dream. It's still dark outside and Simon is still in the bed beside him. He can register this much. "Fuck." He whispers, laying on his back breathing heavily and staring at the ceiling. </p><p>Perhaps he breathes too loudly because beside him Simon starts to stir. "Nathan?" He asks with a raspy voice thick of sleep like he does every time Nathan wakes him up from a bad dream. </p><p>Nathan reacts to the sound of Simon's voice and immediately rolls over on his side so he was face to face with Simon. He reaches out and cups Simon's sleepy face in his hands and presses his lips to Simon's. It's so quick Simon's tired brain doesn't even register it's happened until it's over and Nathan's placed his head on Simon's pillow staring at him in the dark. "Wha..what's happ...what's wrong?"</p><p>'Nothing." Nathan answers perhaps too quickly. "Nothing. Happy Halloween." He says and pulls the covers back over them. "Go back to sleep." He insists. </p><p>"Uhh okay...happy Halloween?" Simon says with a slight question in his voice as he settles back down beside Nathan. He closes his eyes and falls asleep to Nathan petting his hair. </p>
<hr/><p>The second time Simon wakes up Nathan was lounging on his back with his head positioned up by his arm. The blanket was pooled at his waist and tangled up in his legs. He looked like a breath of fresh air all olive skin and messy hair. His abdomen is taut and his ribs peak through his skin but he looks fit nonetheless. His free hand is idly positioned as if he's dreaming of a cigarette between his fingers. His cheeks are flushed a light pink and his lips are pursed in deep contemplation. </p><p>"Happy Halloween." Simon says, his own face flush from remembering either his very vivid dream or Nathan actually kissing him last night. </p><p>Nathan jumps a bit with a start and turns to look at him as if he'd again seen a ghost. "Oh...I...good morning. Happy Halloween." He replies rather sullenly.</p><p>Simon in a burst of boldness, reaches out and places his hand on Nathan's bare shoulder. "Alright?" He asks with slight concern in his raspy voice. </p><p>"Yeah. Just hungry is all." Nathan lies smoothly with a small smile. "And itching for a fucking cigarette!" He exclaims and he knows Simon would believe this because it's true. He felt an itching, a craving, for a smoke because his mind was in peril. He'd reached over in the night and placed a kiss to Simon's lips for comfort. He sought Simon, another person, out for comfort. He's never needed another person to soothe himself. He'd had alcohol, sex, drugs, and any other form of toxic self medicating. It was making him feel nervous in a way he's never felt before. </p><p>"Okay, well, why don't I go make pancakes and you can have a cigarette." Simon suggest with a kindness only he could have towards Nathan. "But I really think you should-"</p><p>"Quit smoking. I know, <em>dad."  </em>He says sarcastically with a shake of his head. He lets out a groan and rolls over he reaches for his pack of cigarettes on the nightstand. He clambers over Simon and climbs to the edge of the bed where Simon's window is. He lifts the blinds and pulls the window up letting the cold air gush in. </p><p>"Christ, Nathan!" Simon exclaims pulling the covers up to his chest as Nathan lights a cigarette and puffs it out the window. "I meant have a smoke outside!" </p><p>"It's cold outside, Barry!" He whines loudly. "Plus, this is good enough." He sits on the edge of the bed with his knees up hugging them as he lifts the cigarette to his lips. "Besides, aren't you supposed to be making me pancakes?" </p><p>Simon lets out a chuckle and pushes the blanket off of him to get up. "Fine. You're lucky I actually like you." Simon says matter-of-factly. He opens the door and heads down stairs. The pancakes are done by the time Nathan's gathered his clothes and taken a hot shower. When he gets down stairs Simon's made a pot of coffee and Molly was sat at the table eating her breakfast with a glass of milk. </p><p>"You smell like cigarettes." Molly says and again she reminds Nathan of himself, a truly outspoken child. </p><p>"Yeah, kid, well we can't all smell like puppies and unicorns." He comments and ruffles her blonde hair before sitting down beside her. </p><p>"Puppies? I don't smell like puppies or unicorns. Unicorns aren't real, <em>Nathan." </em>She says in a smart and slightly condescending way. She reminds him of Simon now. "By the way are you gonna marry Simon and move in?" </p><p>Simon who was taking a sip of his coffee choked. "Not sure yet, Molly. He hasn't proposed and I haven't found a ring but y'know what they say fingers crossed." He answers smoothly and teasingly as he crosses his fingers. Simon continues to choke while Nathan and Molly laugh. "He's always like this, innit he?" He asks Simon's sister. </p><p>"Yeah. Our poor Simon here's always been easily embarrassed." She answers around a forkful of pancake. </p><p>Simon, who has finally gotten a grip on himself, makes his way over to Nathan with two plates of pancakes. He sets them down and turns around to get two cups of coffee and sets them down as well. "Enjoy." He says fighting down his blush. </p><p>"Thank you, my future husband to be." He continues to joke and the back of Simon's neck as well as the top of his ears go red. They continue to eat and joke about with one another until Nathan finally stands up and places his plate and mug in the sink. "I've got to go." He announces. </p><p>"Go?" Simon starts standing up as well as if he's holding down a panic. "Go where?" </p><p>"Relax, Barry, I've just got to get everything ready for tonight. I'll meet ya' at the bar don't worry."</p><p>"And you know where it is?" Simon asks despite the fact that he knows Nathan knows every fucking bar and club in the area as well as how long they stay open. </p><p>Nathan turns to stare at him with a small smile holding back a laugh. They both knew he knew where the bar was. They also both know that wasn't what this was about. "Simon." He says with a laugh in his voice. "I know where it is. Everything's fine. I will text you and let you know when I'm on my way so you don't have to wait alone, okay?" He takes a few steps forward and leans in to press a soft and swift kiss to Simon's cheek. "I'll text you!" He promises and turns to head out, grabbing his coat off the rack on the way out. </p>
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  <em>hey omw see u soon x</em>
</p><p>Was the text he'd received from Nathan. He'd stood in the mirror starring at himself in his costume suddenly regretting it and thinking he looked absolutely ridiculous. He was starting to feel worried as he combed his gelled hair back leaving a single curl to fall on his forehead. It was too late to get another costume now all the shops would be sold out and it had been hard enough to find a costume this late in his size as is. Even so, he didn't want the group to laugh at him especially Nathan who seemed to be able to find a laugh about everything. </p><p>He grabbed his phone, wallet, and keys and headed out to the bar. He walked knowing they'd be drinking and his mum might have to pick up his sister from the sleepover she was at with her school friends if anything happened. His mum always worried about stuff like that since Simon's little arson stunt. </p><p>When he got to the bar Kelly was standing outside dressed as the bride of Frankenstein with a big black and white wig. She actually looked really cool and wore the costume in a way that still showed how pretty she was under the makeup on her face. Beside her was Alisha having a smoke dressed as a very sexy and powerful looking Cleopatra. Her dress was black and gold two piece attached by the black mesh over her abdomen. She had gold arm bands and a large headpiece over her flat ironed hair. </p><p>"Hey, Happy Halloween!" Simon exclaimed surprised by how genuinely happy he sounded. "You guys look great." His eyes only lingered on the girls for a moment before looking around expecting to see Nathan chain smoking against the brick building. </p><p>"Happy Halloween!" Kelly said with a large smile her lips painted black. "Nath's inside with Curtis." She explained as his eyes searched the sea of people standing outside the building. </p><p>Simon rubbed the back of his neck in slight embarrassment that it was so easy to tell who he was looking for. "Uhh shall we?" He asked politely making Alisha stub out her cigarette to follow him and Kelly in. </p><p>The bar was packed of people in either ironic costumes or sexy costumes. Everyone had a drink or two in their hands and some were dancing to the EDM version of the Monster Mash that was blasting through the speakers. Nathan and Curtis was sat at the bar actually having a pleasant conversation by the looks of them laughing and smiling. It sorta warmed Simon's heart. </p><p>By the dread lock wig and pirate hat Curtis was wearing he could tell Curtis was meant to be Captain Jack Sparrow right away. But Nathan's back was turned to him and all he could see was some kind of collar around his neck. </p><p>"Simon's here." Alisha announced grabbing Curtis's drink from off the bar and downing it. When Curtis raised an eyebrow at her she just shrugged. Perhaps she was still having hard feelings over their break up and didn't want it to show. </p><p>"Hey." Nathan said turning to him with a bright smile. Simon choked on his own spit at the sight. Nathan was wearing a strapless black playboy bunny costume with the white collar and arm bands and fishnet stockings. He had black heels on and a smoky eye with a dark red lip color. There was sparkly glitter on his chest and shoulders. "Happy Halloween, Superman!" He said pulling Simon into a hug like one would greet their significant other. It make Simon's cheeks go pink. Nathan pulled back and played with the ends of the red cape Simon was wearing. "Of course of all people you'd opt to be the hero." He says casually as if he's not wearing well <em>that. </em></p><p>"I like to stay on brand unlike you who likes to make a scene everywhere he goes." Simon says with a shy smile trying to banter as if his stomach hasn't grown hot. "I need a drink." He says with a nervous laugh he tries to play off as normal. </p><p>"Yes, sir Mr. Superman." Nathan says and turns to the bar tender to order Simon the beer he likes and a round of shots for all of them. </p><p>Soon Nikki arrived at met them at the bar dressed as a sexy and dangerous looking vampire. </p><p>Simon had to stifle a laugh when he overheard the ever eccentric Nathan attempt to whisper to Alisha. "Do we hate her? If you want me to hate her I'll hate her. Say the word, yeah?" </p><p>Alisha turns to look at Nathan and playfully shoves him. "Nah, we don't hate her. Curtis should be happy." </p><p>"Well, if you change your mind I'm very good at making people's lives miserable." Nathan replies and it makes Simon grin widely because yeah Nathan may be a train wreck but he was a loyal friend when it counted and also quite funny. </p><p>Most of the night Simon stood listening to everyone chat and compliment each other on their costumes and makeup and what not. They stood in their own circle and danced together screaming the lyrics to the songs they knew. One by one they all became sloppy drunk. Even Simon had let lose and took shot after shot. He was dancing with Nathan quite literally rubbing up against him and Kelly laughing and trying not to be awkward. The alcohol certainly helped him out with that. </p><p>Chills went down his spine when Nathan whispered roughly in his ear. "You really fill out that suit, y'know." It made Simon's face go bright red over the flush he already had from the alcohol. When Nathan pulled back he had a Cheshire grin on his face and gave him a wickedly hot wink. </p><p><em>Huh. </em>Simon thought. <em>Maybe I am gay. </em></p><p>He heard a familiar guitar riff and felt giddy at the sound. <strong><em>"Love me cancerously. Like a salt-sore soaked in the sea. High-maintenance means you're a gluttonous queen, narcissistic and mean. Kill me romantically. Fill my soul with vomit then ask me for a piece of gum. Bitter and dumb. You're my sugarplum."</em></strong></p><p>Simon turned to Nathan who was bobbing his head along to the music and sang along. <em><strong>"You're awful, I love you!"</strong></em></p><p>Simon's hands fall to Nathan's shoulders as he jumps up and down with him happily.<strong><em> "She moves through moonbeams slowly, she knows just how to hold me. And when her edges soften her body is my coffin. I know she drains me slowly. She wears me down to bones in bed. Must be the sign on my head that says, oh love me dead! Love me dead!" </em></strong>Simon is singing along, his face getting closer to Nathan's. <strong><em>"</em></strong><strong><em>You're a faith-healer on T.V. You're an office park without any trees, corporate and cold gushing for gold. Leave me alone. You suck so passionately you're a parasitic, psycho, filthy creature finger-bangin' my heart. You call me up drunk. Does the fun ever start? You're hideous and sexy!"</em></strong></p><p>Nathan's cheek brushes against his as his mouth reaches Simon's ear. "That's hot." He purrs. </p><p>
  <strong> <em>"She moves through moonbeams slowly she knows just how to hold me. And when her edges soften her body is my coffin. I know she drains me slowly. She wears me down to bones in bed. Must be the sign on my head that says, oh love me dead! Love me dead! Wow! Uh! Love me cancerously. How's your new boy? Does he know about me? You've got the mark of the beast. You're born of a jackal! You're beautiful!" </em> </strong>
</p><p>The song continues as Nathan grabs ahold of Simon's wrist and pulls him out towards the toilets. The door closes behind them muffling the music and the people screaming and singing in the bar. To his surprise, Nathan pushes him up against the door of the stall and starts to roughly kiss up and down his neck. He's even more surprised that he doesn't tell him to stop or push him away. Instead, his breath quickens and his heart pounds in his chest. He closes his eyes and stands there rigid because he's never done this before and he's not sure what he's meant to do back or what he's supposed to do with his hands that are awkwardly hanging at his side. </p><p>He's not sure why but Nathan stops his fevering kisses and stares down at Simon like he's trying to figure out something he hasn't asked. Simon's breathing slowly starts to even out and he's looking up at Nathan in confusion and slight disappointment. He wasn't sure what he wanted to happen but it wasn't this. "Sorry, I got carried away." Nathan finally says with an easy smile as if the atmosphere wasn't really weird between them not three seconds ago. </p><p>"Oh." Simon exhales. "No, it's okay." He says quietly over the sound of Nathan's labored breathing and uneasy laugh. </p><p>"We should get back or?" Nathan leaves it open, up to him and there's a reason for it Simon doesn't understand. </p><p>"We could go home." Simon says. Nathan once against stares at him trying to figure him out and he nods. </p><p>"Yeah, lets go home." He agrees, taking Simon by the wrist and escorting him out the toilet. They find Kelly and Alisha dancing together to whatever pop song is playing and tell them they're heading out and that it was super fun. They wave goodbye to Curtis and Nikki who are so busy in their own bubble they hardly even notice. </p><p>They walk to Simon's house together, their arms brushing against one another with each step. They talk in hushed voices and Nathan kicks a few rocks out of habit. He doesn't smoke the whole way there and Simon tries not to interrupt that into something it isn't. </p><p>When they get to his house they crawl into his bed and boot up his laptop. They fall asleep together in their costumes watching shitty horror movies. It was fun, more than fun, it was the best Halloween Simon's ever had. It was all because of Nathan too. Nathan who may or may not have kissed him that morning. Nathan who kissed his neck and not his lips that night. Nathan who claimed to not know what he wants but still found his way to Simon's bed every night. Nathan who just might be in love with him too. </p>
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